I think we all need some funny right now, don’t you?
I think I owe Steve Jobs like eight thousand dollars in babysitting fees for the iPad.
— BackpackingDad (@BackpackingDad) June 26, 2012
“Mom! Mom! We heard a really weird noise! Come outside and listen!”(IT WAS A RINGING LAND-LINE PHONE.)
— Linda(@Sundry) June 28, 2012
I think the best part of being a parent is watching your child spin in a circle, chasing her arm through the sleeve hole.
— Diane (@dashoff) June 29, 2012
Husband “jokingly” reminded me to clean the toilet. I bet he’ll be delighted by what a great job his toothbrush does!
— Linda(@Sundry) July 3, 2012
Magic Mike was…entertaining. I happened to pay for my ticket with 10 ones. Cashier said it was perfect for the movie I was seeing. amen.
— little miss mel (@littlemissmel) July 3, 2012
Actually, this Twix would be way more ‘fun size’ if it were like eight times as big.
— Alessandra Souers (@asouers) July 3, 2012
No, it’s not creepy at all when your kid stands at the window pointing at the trees saying “scary ghost, where’d it go? I see him.”
— Jen (@jenbshaw) July 3, 2012
Called my friend’s two year old a “heartbreaker”. She immediately burst into tears and sobbed: “I DON’T WANNA BREAK HEARTS”. I’m good w kids
— Liz T (@LizScott) July 4, 2012
In my house alone, with 6 cupcakes. I mean 5. No, 4. Nevermind. In my house alone. Send (more) cupcakes.
— Kristie999 (@Kristie999) July 8, 2012
“Mom, can you help me take off this princess dress? I’m a velociraptor now, and I can’t catch prey in this thing.”
— Erica Dressed Up (@alldressedup) July 9, 2012
I’m thinking of burning my bra. Not to make a statement of any kind other than I hate my bra.
— Megan Boley (@MeganBoley) July 10, 2012
“Oh well. Failed again at going to bed at a reasonable time. May as well FB/Tweet/Pin until 1AM. There’s always coffee.” -All the parents
— Honest Toddler (@HonestToddler) July 10, 2012
“No, you may not have chocolate chips.” “Okay. I am going to go get my white chair and be sneaky to get my own chocolate chips.” #didn‘twork
— HereWeGoAJen (@HereWeGoAJen) July 12, 2012
I can wait here allll day until J acknowledges the genius of my idea for a show about a chef looking for love, called The Spatulor.
— metalia (@metalia) July 13, 2012
Gotta be honest, after that setup I want to see you morph into Optimus Prime, kid, not hop over a crack in the sidewalk.
— Linda(@Sundry) July 13, 2012
It was sweet that Asher cried about missing Dave (who was at work late) until I realized he was just sad that I don’t play Wii racing games.
— Emily Cassee (@notthatyouasked) July 19, 2012
‘Jed Bartlet called. He wants to have a video conference.’ My husband’s way of telling me he wants to watch some West Wing. Heh.
— Ashley (@LittleLeafAsh) July 20, 2012
No, sister of mine, that book is not called 50 Shards of Glass. If that is what you’re reading, I don’t want to know what else you’re into.
— Kate Welsh (@Kate_Welsh) July 20, 2012
“I love you mom and think you’re beautiful. . .but boy are you getting BIGGER! “So close, son. So close.
— samantha jo campen (@samanthajcampen) July 20, 2012
Kyle, ran down the hallway naked, then stopped in front of the full-length mirror to pose. If there was ever a doubt he’s Mike’s…
— Jennie Canzoneri (@shelikespurple) July 21, 2012
Sophia is over summer because she doesn’t like it when her butt sweats. What? She told the store, so I am telling you.
— Sunshine (@beingfranklin) July 23, 2012
I need a contraption that plays me yelling with the touch of a button- SLOW DOWN! SHARE! NO! WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS! #easybuttonformoms
— Christina (@ChristinaRTS) July 25, 2012
You have to be shitting me, motherhood. instagr.am/p/NhN988Mxle/
— Jonna (@jonniker) July 25, 2012
Vacation feet pictures are just a relaxing middle finger.
— Mike Woycheck (@woy) August 4, 2012
The problem with the slow cooker is that it makes things smell delicious well before they stop being poisonous.
— Temerity Jane (@TemerityJane) August 5, 2012
Aaaaaand there’s a guy with no legs running in the Olympics. I am such a lazy bag of crap.
— samantha jo campen (@samanthajcampen) August 6, 2012
I would like to meet the first woman who shaves her legs and kick her in the shin. THANKS FOR RUINING IT FOR THE REST OF US.
— mindbling (@mindbling) August 6, 2012
Me: Our baby put poo on my face. Him: Yeah, that was a pretty shitty thing for her to do… do.
— Temerity Jane (@TemerityJane) August 9, 2012
House reno fantasy: gazing at Pinterest, fondling paint chips. Reality: hauling heavy, dirty shit, scraping glue, touching 10,000 spiders.
— Linda(@Sundry) August 11, 2012
IKEA IS TOO MUCH FOR ME YOU GUYS I AM BARRICADING MYSELF BETWEEN THE FLKJRRRP AND THE EDSRDSM.
— Sarah Lena (@SarahLena) August 11, 2012
Something happend to me when I gave birth to two boys- I just handled a cicada and then we looked it up on the web to learn about A BUG.
— Christina (@ChristinaRTS) August 12, 2012
Leo has started trying to repeat everything we say, and he basically sounds like Joey speaking French.
— Diane (@dashoff) August 13, 2012
My four-year-old nephew, watching me change Alex’s diaper: “Her penis is SO TINY!”
— Jonna (@jonniker) August 13, 2012
This morning I woke to the sweet dulcet sound of, “Mama, my hands smell like bum-bum.”
— TwoAdults (@TwoAdults) August 15, 2012
the best thing about having kids who are totally different from each other is realizing that you didn’t cause any of this stuff. it just is.
— Elizabeth (@ebj123) August 17, 2012
“YES! Three strikes! I GOT A TURKEY!” said Tony, throwing the baseball bat in celebration as I checked into local arts schools.
— Sarah Lena (@SarahLena) August 20, 2012
“Pick up the pace, picante,” I said to my dawdling kid. “New York CITY?” murmured a random passerby.Awesome.
— Linda(@Sundry) August 20, 2012
(Ezra this AM) “Mama, there is Tuesday, Thursday, Friday & then Shaboggan day.” “What?” “It’s a day to celebrate all the birthdays & cake.”
— TwoAdults (@TwoAdults) August 24, 2012
Santa I would like to formally introduce you to my character reference. Her name is grandma and she speaks the truth.
— Honest Toddler (@HonestToddler) September 2, 2012
Captcha: “The characters you entered didn’t match the word verification.” Me: “NO SHIT, CAPTCHA. THAT’S NOT EVEN REAL WORD YOU SHOWED ME.”
— TwoAdults (@TwoAdults) September 11, 2012
Said I needed to go to the bathroom, told the girls to watch their brother. As soon as I shut the door, “I know! Let’s teach him TRICKS!”
— Diane (@dashoff) September 14, 2012
Went to Target on payday, only spent $46. I assume there’s a medal ceremony, is it formal or are jeans ok? I’ll have the chicken.
— Temerity Jane (@TemerityJane) September 14, 2012
I dropped my 400-degree curling iron this morning, and caught it one-handed. Ninja Skills: Awesome. Self-Preservation Skills: Sadly Lacking.
— Sarah Lena (@SarahLena) September 15, 2012
These Cialis commercials KILL ME. The poor woman is just trying to do the dishes! Leave her alone boner boy.
— samantha jo campen (@samanthajcampen) September 18, 2012
I said to Henry as he was talking after nursing, “who are you talking to, big guy?” Emma responded without missing a beat, “your boob.”
— keli (@kelihoskins) September 18, 2012
I went to kiss LG, she turned her head & said, “No, no!” then kissed Chris instead. I fucking birthed your giant head, kid. KISSES FOR LIFE.
— Sarah (@homesweetsarah) September 19, 2012
Rocking Iris and she keeps holding up the back of her hand up to my mouth for me to kiss it. It’s like putting Queen Elizabeth to bed.
— TwoAdults (@TwoAdults) September 20, 2012
I don’t know how I THOUGHT eating off a knife would go, but it’s clear I did not think things through.
— metalia (@metalia) September 28, 2012
Got cut off harshly in the grocery store parking lot by a smart car. I’m in a Pilot. Really? Your car is made of pretzel sticks.
— Jonna (@jonniker) October 9, 2012
If the zombies ever attack, I’m just going to squirt Nair at them. That stuff is NO JOKE.
— TwoAdults (@TwoAdults) October 15, 2012
I’m afraid I’ve become immune to coffee. Or my tiredness has become coffee-resistant. I have the MRSA of tiredness.
— Erica Dressed Up (@alldressedup) October 20, 2012
Post-bath steam reveals child-sized handprints on the top of the bathroom mirror, a good 6′ off the floor. All explanations are undesirable.
— Linda(@Sundry) October 31, 2012
The bath drama here is at threat level orange. “I need a washcloth! A DRY one! No, a PINK dry one!”(eyes closed) “I can tell it’s not pink!”
— natalie (@narmalie) November 6, 2012
So Cool Whip was .99 cents at the store and for I real gasped out loud. And maybe heard “Dreamweaver” in the background.
— TwoAdults (@TwoAdults) November 22, 2012
“Pluck” is too delicate a word for what I just had to do to remove that chin hair. “Put my back into it,” maybe?
— Noemi (@NASeason) November 27, 2012
Erik has just informed me that were he ever called as an expert witness, he would wear atshirt that read “Member of the Hung Jury.”
— Elizabeth (@ebj123) December 5, 2012
When asked where she wanted me to place her stick-on tattoo, my daughter pointed immediately to Tramp Stamp Zone. Help.
— metalia (@metalia) December 5, 2012
Who needs the sign for “all done” when instead you can remove your bib and throw it at your mother?
— Rhiannon (@RhiRhi) December 19, 2012