September 18, 2012
So this is kind of a weird blog post to follow up a fun pregnancy announcement and a 2nd birthday party. I debated even sharing this story because 1) in the end, it really doesn’t matter (but it also kind of does, to me) and 2) it’s just… kind of a weird thing. I dunno.
When I had my sonogram a few weeks ago, I was nervous and excited and scared and excited and… lots of things. It was almost at the exact point of my sonogram last time, which showed 5-ish week growth instead of 7.5 week growth- a heartbeat so faint and an embryo so small, they couldn’t really be measured. I remembered the image well, so I knew what I DIDN’T want to see on that screen.
But I honestly wasn’t prepared for what we DID see on the screen.
On the right is the baby. On the left is where a second baby could potentially be, but the embryo never developed. Which means this pregnancy started as twins… CUE: MY JAW ON THE FLOOR.
I honestly wasn’t sure what I should be feeling when the tech explained it all to me. Shock, obviously, was one of my first feelings. And then… relief? Guilt over that relief? I mean, I had just gone through a miscarriage and that totally sucked and here I was being told that I essentially miscarried again (though not really? I guess?) but also that there was one totally healthy and normal embryo with a strong heartbeat, measuring exactly on track with my dates. So I was THRILLED to hear that, but also a tiny bit glad that I wasn’t looking at TWO HEARTBEATS, because COME ON, YOU GUYS. OMG.
The good news is that there should be nothing to worry about, complications-wise, from that empty sac. I spoke with my doctor last week about it, and she said that basically things just get reabsorbed into my body and because it was so early and never developed, I shouldn’t have to worry about any cramping or bleeding or anything (but also, that would be okay and normal too) She also said that it probably happens a lot more than we all realize, and it’s only ever detected in these early sonograms. So who knows if I’m just prone to shooting out eggs all over the place and both Maggie and Audrey started as twins? A crazy thought!
(Most likely though is that because I HAD just miscarried, my body went into overdrive and stayed true to the theory that immediately following a lost pregnancy, fertility can increase and also there may be an increased incidence of twins. Who knows.)
All of this to say: man, these past few months have been nothing like I expected. Basically since April, I feel like I’ve been riding a rollercoaster of emotions, starting with Audrey’s hospital stays and going all the way through to the moment I saw that little healthy heartbeat on the sonogram machine. I feel like this has all been a bit of a lesson for me, Type A Control Freak. When I first started thinking about possibly having a third (and FINAL OMG) baby last winter, I knew I would have to let go a little bit more and just let things happen. Adding another baby to our family certainly wasn’t going to DECREASE the chaos! But I had no idea just how much control I would need to give up in my head and in my heart and just let things happen and have faith that everything is going to turn out okay.
And it will. I know it will. I’m just trying to relax and pray and enjoy the ride and not go completely insane in the process!