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the thing I didn’t mention

So this is kind of a weird blog post to follow up a fun pregnancy announcement and a 2nd birthday party. I debated even sharing this story because 1) in the end, it really doesn’t matter (but it also kind of does, to me) and 2) it’s just… kind of a weird thing. I dunno.

When I had my sonogram a few weeks ago, I was nervous and excited and scared and excited and… lots of things. It was almost at the exact point of my sonogram last time, which showed 5-ish week growth instead of 7.5 week growth- a heartbeat so faint and an embryo so small, they couldn’t really be measured. I remembered the image well, so I knew what I DIDN’T want to see on that screen.

But I honestly wasn’t prepared for what we DID see on the screen.

7.5wks

On the right is the baby. On the left is where a second baby could potentially be, but the embryo never developed. Which means this pregnancy started as twins… CUE: MY JAW ON THE FLOOR.

I honestly wasn’t sure what I should be feeling when the tech explained it all to me. Shock, obviously, was one of my first feelings. And then… relief? Guilt over that relief? I mean, I had just gone through a miscarriage and that totally sucked and here I was being told that I essentially miscarried again (though not really? I guess?) but also that there was one totally healthy and normal embryo with a strong heartbeat, measuring exactly on track with my dates. So I was THRILLED to hear that, but also a tiny bit glad that I wasn’t looking at TWO HEARTBEATS, because COME ON, YOU GUYS. OMG.

The good news is that there should be nothing to worry about, complications-wise, from that empty sac. I spoke with my doctor last week about it, and she said that basically things just get reabsorbed into my body and because it was so early and never developed, I shouldn’t have to worry about any cramping or bleeding or anything (but also, that would be okay and normal too) She also said that it probably happens a lot more than we all realize, and it’s only ever detected in these early sonograms. So who knows if I’m just prone to shooting out eggs all over the place and both Maggie and Audrey started as twins? A crazy thought!

(Most likely though is that because I HAD just miscarried, my body went into overdrive and stayed true to the theory that immediately following a lost pregnancy, fertility can increase and also there may be an increased incidence of twins. Who knows.)

All of this to say: man, these past few months have been nothing like I expected. Basically since April, I feel like I’ve been riding a rollercoaster of emotions, starting with Audrey’s hospital stays and going all the way through to the moment I saw that little healthy heartbeat on the sonogram machine. I feel like this has all been a bit of a lesson for me, Type A Control Freak. When I first started thinking about possibly having a third (and FINAL OMG) baby last winter, I knew I would have to let go a little bit more and just let things happen. Adding another baby to our family certainly wasn’t going to DECREASE the chaos! But I had no idea just how much control I would need to give up in my head and in my heart and just let things happen and have faith that everything is going to turn out okay.

And it will. I know it will. I’m just trying to relax and pray and enjoy the ride and not go completely insane in the process!

16 Comments

  1. Tracy
    @overmom

    Oh Jen. HUGS. So many Hugs.

    Sep 18 9:23 am


  2. K
    @twoadults

    Holy crap on a cracker.

    I sometimes feel as if God says, “You need to slow your roll. How about I give you THIS!” And, you know, it’s never a pony or a chocolate fountain. It’s usually something…interesting or a tidgy hard or a LOT hard.

    Sigh.

    At any rate, keep your wits about you. You’re going to need them. xo

    Sep 18 9:49 am


    • Jen
      @jayesel

      Oh exactly… I feel like these past few months have definitely been a SLOW YOUR ROLL! attention getter ;) Not all bad, not all good… just, hey, guess what, Jen? You’re not in charge! Surprise!

      Sep 19 2:47 pm


  3. Congratulations on your healthy baby! I can somewhat relate to your feelings about the other sac. When I was pregnant with Bridget (thanks to insemination and fertility drugs) my HCG levels were through the roof and they were certain I had a multiple pregnancy. At the first ultrasound we saw about the same thing as your image. I had desperately wanted a twin pregnancy so I was sad that it wasn’t but of course thrilled to have the one.

    It’s going to be great for you, I just know it. Hugs.

    Sep 18 9:52 am


  4. Melissa
    @sempremelissa

    Oh GIRL. Your mixed emotions are completely understandable, under the circumstances! And there is no One All-Encompassing Emotion to feel because even one tiny difference in the timing/process/etc changes the outcome and the entire future of a family. I will never not be sad that I had three miscarriages, but if things had happened any other way, I would not have the *exact* little boys that I love. So it’s okay to feel and wonder a hundred different things. Over time it will get easier to make peace with the “broken road” that led you to your beautiful, completed-at-last family. :)

    So glad THIS baby of yours is here to stay. xo

    Sep 18 9:58 am


  5. Janet
    @loveisblonde

    Oh man, fertility is a CRAZY CRAZY thing. As I posted about today, we didn’t even see our twin until the 3rd u/s and then around 10 weeks at another u/s the doctor said he thought maybe we had a 3rd sac with a “vanishing triplet” and I almost fell on the floor at that point. Thankfully it was like your situation where it clearly WASN’T a 3rd (or in your case 2nd) baby but just the idea of going there…oh my.

    You have been through a lot this year and it makes sense that your emotions aren’t linear. Sending hugs! xoxo

    Sep 18 10:29 am


    • Jen
      @jayesel

      I just read your post and WOW, I didn’t realize you didn’t see the 2nd baby until later! And the possibility of a THIRD? Yowza! It’s such a weird thing to think about, losing something you didn’t really ever have but also being shocked and relieved and weirded out… crazy. But obviously: hooray for healthy babies all around :)

      Sep 19 2:49 pm


  6. Twinmamateb

    I too had the blighted ovum (the empty sac) and still felt very pregnant. Of course I *also* have had the “there are HOW many in there?” moment. Pregnancy is always a rollercoaster of emotions, as is motherhood. Yet what a fun ride (that we keep getting on, lol!)

    Sep 18 10:50 am


  7. Oh, Jen. So hard. So many emotions. I will keep you and that little embryo in my thoughts – thinking of you all. Congrats again!

    Sep 18 11:06 am


  8. Dave (Scrumpy Daddy)
    @scrumpydaddy

    It has definitely been quite the roller coaster. I’m glad to hear that things are going well! I can totally understand the emotions on finding the empty sac, from sadness to “phew!” (Oh no, more rollercoasters!)

    Fortunately, it seems as though Audrey’s neck thing is in the past, this pregnancy seems to be going well as it is, and how is Maggie settling into school?

    I hope that everything continues to go well with the pregnancy and that there are no new surprises. (No more rollercoasters!)

    Wishing you all the best!

    Sep 18 2:25 pm


  9. HereWeGoAJen
    @herewegoajen

    It’s very strange to lose something that you didn’t even know you had yet. So I am sending lots of hugs.

    Sep 18 4:24 pm


    • Jen
      @jayesel

      That is so exactly it. Should I be sad? Or not? I DON’T KNOW. SOMEONE TELL ME HOW I SHOULD FEEL. ha ;)

      Sep 19 2:50 pm


  10. Elsha
    @vandeblogger

    Wow, what a lot to process. I can’t imagine all the emotions. I’ll be thinking of you, and hoping the rest of this pregnancy is uneventful.

    Sep 18 5:26 pm


  11. red pen mama
    @redpenmamapgh

    Eek, girl.

    After we lost Gabriel, pregnancies were never easy. I was convinced that both Kate and Michael were twins before the first sonograms (I was *so sick*, worse with M). I remember how interesting that was to deal with in my head. Also: I am the queen of u/s. I had so many with my subsequent pregnancies, I can’t even.

    Life in general throws a lot of different things at us. God bless, lots of hugs, and lots of prayers and luck to you!

    Sep 19 9:14 am


    • Jen
      @jayesel

      Our heads like to mess with us, don’t they? I’ve been surprised actually at how (mostly) okay I’ve been this time. I thought I’d be a nervous wreck, but thankfully (??) I’ve been sick enough that I was pretty confident things were going just as expected. So, yay nausea? LOL But even under normal circumstances, I find early pregnancy to be a scary thing. Very thankful it’s almost over, looking forward to feeling reassuring kicks and bumps!

      Sep 19 2:52 pm


  12. Two of my friends had the same ultrasound at the same point and reabsorbed with no complications. Wishing you the same. And congrats!

    Oct 8 10:30 am