July 3, 2012
Things are finally getting back to normal around our house this week. I kind of forgot what normal even WAS for us. I spent nearly two weeks of couch-potato-ing it- a few days forcing myself to rest and take it easy in the hopes that what we feared was happening might stop and reverse course, and then the rest of the time waiting it out and letting my body do what it was doing and then recovering from surgery. It is always very hard for me anytime I’m sick and unable to do what I want around the house and with the girls, so being forced to remove myself from my normal role drove me crazy. (A GIGANTIC thank you to Dan and my mom for picking up the slack.) I joke at times that what I would GIVE to spend days on end laying on the couch but MAN, my body is a mess. My shoulders and back are tired and achy from all the scrunching, and the rest of my body is actually tired from non-use. How does that even happen? Weird. (Planning a hot stone massage for this weekend and OMG I AM EXCITED.)
The good news is that the physical reminder of the miscarriage is gone and over. And that does wonders for being able to look ahead, at least for me. I still have moments of frustration and sadness and I know that’s normal and it won’t go away for a while. But I’m good, I think. I feel better. I have a follow-up appointment in a few weeks and I have a bunch of questions for the doctor about what to expect the next time around.
I debated quite a bit in my head before making my news public- my blog is connected to Facebook (a WHOLE other decision and story! heh) so pretty much everyone I know would see it within minutes- neighbors, old high school friends, college classmates, family. I know that not everyone understands why I blog and probably a few people think it’s weird to publish details about my life here for all to read- especially such a typically private, heartbreaking thing. But the bottom line is that… well, I’m an oversharer by nature, even face-to-face, and honestly? I was completely fine telling people. And that morning, I NEEDED to share it. My brain and my heart needed to DUMP somewhere.
I am so so so glad I did. For the next few days, I received so many emails and texts from other women, sharing THEIR stories with me. It was unexpected, and heartbreaking at times, but you wouldn’t believe how much it helped. (Also- the gifts! And chocolate! And cards in the mail! YOU GUYS. My heart. It is full.) Having Dan here by my side was great and he was AMAZING, but hearing real stories from neighbors and old friends made me feel less alone and also helped me realize that DANG, we women are STRONG. I’ve always thought that just based on the stuff we deal with during pregnancy and childbirth and newborn-hood (Pregnancy! FEEL THE MAGIC! h/t Jonna) but it’s especially true now, when you feel like your body has failed you, and your heart is hurting and your body is doing crazy things that you can’t control and your hormones are all over the place, and the only choice you have is to move forward. And moving forward is scary… but we do it anyway because how else do you heal? We are strong, even the women fortunate enough to NOT be in this group- I said it before, back when I was pregnant with Audrey. Pregnancy, motherhood, all of it- it’s a leap of faith. We have very little control over it all and if that’s not the scariest thing ever… oy.
I’m sad for the baby that won’t be here in February, but I think now I’m mostly sad because the thought of another pregnancy scares me a little right now. I KNOW in my head that this was just bad luck and there is really no reason to worry that things won’t go as planned the next time. But I also know that I won’t be able to relax and enjoy my last pregnancy the way I imagined. Perhaps that sounds entitled (believe me, the Pain Olympics Guilt is rampant in my brain) but it’s the truth. There will be long weeks of waiting in the beginning, holding my breath, and hoping.
But we’ll get through it. We’ll move forward. We have a lot of good company in the meantime.