a series of unfortunate events

I had the greatest time thinking up how I would share the news. That’s the best part, right? I would write a blog post about how for so long I was SO! AGAINST! IT! I was done! No more for me! But then how somewhere along the way, my mind was changed and my heart was opened and suddenly, I wasn’t done and I was ready to do it one more time. But I was going to wait until it was certain and not let many people know of our plans until it was for sure and then bam! The news! So excitingly shocking and oh the celebrating! How fun would THAT all be?

When it all started going horribly wrong last week, I decided that I wouldn’t tell a soul, other than the few close friends who knew the story so far. I still wanted that moment of WOW! when we finally had the happy news to share and felt like after all of THIS, I deserved to have that moment, dangit. I would keep this all to myself and maybe someday, down the road, when things were happy again, I would tell the story.

But I’ve changed my mind. Again. I do that a lot, apparently.

We’re going have another baby, someday soon, we hope. We thought it was going to happen in February, but last week things changed drastically and at 7 weeks pregnant, I miscarried and here we are. Tomorrow I will have a D&C and the next day I will sleep and rest and hopefully the day after that we will start moving on.

The past two months for our family have not been very fun. We spent a large part of May in the hospital with Audrey and worrying about her and hoping for good news from every test and that she’d get better quickly. There was also a death in the family thrown in for good measure. Then two days after we got home from Audrey’s last hospital stay, I found out I was pregnant and I thought THIS. THIS is how May will be balanced out. YES! The Suck can’t just SIT THERE without something good happening to counteract it. But as it turns out, the shitstorm of life continues and while I know it won’t always feel this crappy, it sure does feel awful when you’re in the middle of it all. And for whatever reason, it particularly frustrates me that this is happening in the summer when we should be out having fun and doing summertime things and not sticking close to home and spending time at doctor’s appointments. Petty and kind of silly, but it’s just another level of crappy, you know?

I try to stay positive and not let this latest blow get me down. We are blessed with two beautiful girls and also with (so far) fertility on our side. So there is absolutely no reason to doubt that someday soon, this whole thing will be a distant memory and we will be happily preparing our house for a third child and shopping for a minivan and freaking out about adding another person to our list of responsibilities and laughing at how ridiculously huge my belly is. But the feelings have been creeping up and choking me when I least expect it. When Maggie is arguing about eating her carrots and then breaking into song at the dinner table or when Audrey climbs up on my lap for an unprompted snuggle or when all three of us were holding hands while walking into daycare this morning. They are the best distraction from life’s struggles but also sometimes a perfect reminder of just how insanely lucky we are.

The physical part of this will be over soon, I know. And I know the intensely emotional part will fade with time. And I’m already worrying about my future level of worrying if and when I get pregnant again. Because WORRYING ABOUT WORRYING IS VERY PRODUCTIVE, OBVIOUSLY.

So you know, right now, things suck big time. If you can, say a prayer for us and maybe share some chocolate? Chocolate always helps.



71 Comments

  1. Rebecca (Bearca)

    June 25, 2012 12:08 pm

    Ohhh. I am so very sorry, Jen.

  2. tehamy

    June 25, 2012 12:08 pm

    Oh Jen, I am so very very sorry for your loss. ((hugs)) to you and your whole family.

  3. red pen mama

    June 25, 2012 12:11 pm

    HUGS HUGS HUGS! there aren’t enough. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I will keep you all in my prayers, and figure out how to get you some chocolate!

  4. Candace

    June 25, 2012 12:13 pm

    Thinking of you all Jen! Love you guys xoxo <3

  5. Tracy

    June 25, 2012 12:13 pm

    Oh Jen. My heart aches for you. Thoughts, prayers and many hugs to you.

  6. Gina

    June 25, 2012 12:14 pm

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this!

  7. Hillary

    June 25, 2012 12:17 pm

    Oh Jen! I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I’m sending you the best of thoughts and hopes for the future.

  8. Elisabeth

    June 25, 2012 12:17 pm

    I’m so sorry! I will be sending prayers and good thoughts your way for a rest end of summer for your family.

  9. Lacey

    June 25, 2012 12:22 pm

    So very sorry, Jen. Thinking of you guys!

  10. Michelle

    June 25, 2012 12:27 pm

    Oh Jen. I’m so sorry. Hugs for you all and hoping for wonderful things starting NOW!

  11. Angela

    June 25, 2012 12:27 pm

    I am so sorry to hear about this. You and your very blessed family are in my prayers. There is always a plan for you, remember that. Things will get better and you have a fantastic support system all around you.

    ~ Angela

  12. Janette

    June 25, 2012 12:31 pm

    I’m sorry you have to go through this. I don’t have any chocolate to spare, though boy I wish I did right now, but I have hugs and positive thoughts and other good things to share with you.

  13. Anne

    June 25, 2012 12:33 pm

    Oh, that sucks. I’m so sorry. I’ll be sending you all the chocolate-covered positive thoughts in the world. I hope you’ll get to share that YAY GOOD NEWS post with us someday super soon.
    xo

  14. Allison

    June 25, 2012 12:35 pm

    Jen, I am so, so sorry. On top of everything else! What a crappy summer it has been so far, huh?

    But I am also very excited that you are going to have a third! I’ll be thinking of you guys.

  15. Samantha Jo campen

    June 25, 2012 12:35 pm

    I wish I were closer. That’s all I can say xo

  16. Diane

    June 25, 2012 12:41 pm

    Too much. It’s all just too much for one little family to deal with all at once. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with it anyway. Sending all the love and hugs and everything and I can’t wait until you get to share all the happy news you deserve. <3

  17. Melissa

    June 25, 2012 12:48 pm

    :( Wish I knew what to say/do… I’ve been there x3 and I still feel so helpless when it happens to other people. Just know that we all love you and we cannot WAIT to cheer with you on the other side someday. xoxo

  18. K

    June 25, 2012 12:50 pm

    This current state of things in your house is a just a giant bucket of poo.

    Thumbs down.

    xo

  19. Cari

    June 25, 2012 12:54 pm

    I’m so sorry, Jen. Good thoughts to you and Dan. Hoping that this is a sucky beginning but not an unhappy ending in the long run.

  20. Becca

    June 25, 2012 1:00 pm

    All I can offer is hugs and virtual chocolate. So *hugs* and *passes out the good stuff*. :)

  21. dee perrin

    June 25, 2012 1:00 pm

    Prayers for you and your family. Hope things turn around soon and we can all celebrate with you!

  22. Jayner @ Yankee Drawl

    June 25, 2012 1:16 pm

    I’m so sorry!

    I was just commenting on someone else’s unfortunate post of their recent miscarriage last night and there was a comment that is so true – someday this will just be a sentence in your history. That doesn’t make it any easier now, but it will be.

    Thinking and praying for you, both for peace and healing now, and for joyous news at the right time in the future.

  23. Jenn

    June 25, 2012 1:23 pm

    I’m so sorry. I will be praying for all of you guys, but you especially. My heart cries for your loss. Can you email me your address (i promise I’m not a creepy stalker!)? I want to send you some chocolate. *hugs*

  24. bessie.viola

    June 25, 2012 1:28 pm

    Sending you so so much love. Love, hugs, prayers and pie for you and the family. Here’s to a much happier next chapter for you all. xo

  25. Sara Joy

    June 25, 2012 1:34 pm

    Chocolate. Hugs. (the pocket internet version, but it’s the very very best I’ve got)

  26. Erica

    June 25, 2012 1:38 pm

    Oh, no. I’m so sorry.

  27. Becky

    June 25, 2012 1:42 pm

    I’m so sorry Jen. My thoughts are with you and your family.

    Now, we’re almost half-way through this year. Time to turn it around!

  28. Stefanie

    June 25, 2012 1:51 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear this news. Thoughts and prayers to you.

  29. Maggie

    June 25, 2012 2:13 pm

    I’m so sorry. Things are so unfair sometimes. I’ll be thinking of you.

  30. Ashley

    June 25, 2012 2:16 pm

    Jen. Oh Jen. I’m so sorry to hear this.

    Many healing, peace-filled thoughts and prayers for you.

    (I am tickled to hear that you are open to more kids, though. I can’t wait for the day when I come and see your pregnancy announcement. I KNOW it will happen. :))

  31. Kate

    June 25, 2012 2:17 pm

    I am so so sorry. Hugs and prayers for you and your family. Rest up.

  32. heather

    June 25, 2012 2:22 pm

    I am sorry for your loss. Sending prayers your way.

  33. Dave (Scrumpy Daddy)

    June 25, 2012 2:23 pm

    Oh, I’m so sorry, Jen. I hope all goes well, smoothly, and quickly with the D&C, so that you can leave that part behind you.

    All the best to you and Dan.

  34. keli

    June 25, 2012 2:40 pm

    so much love and hugs and prayers and wishes that i could bring you some chocolate and my bony shoulder. but my virtual bony shoulder is ALWAYS HERE. anytime.

    i hope Wednesday brings a brighter day and a new start for you guys. and a much nicer universe. xoxo

  35. Erin

    June 25, 2012 2:44 pm

    Hey, universe. This is unfair. I know I’m sorry is true. But I am. I’m sorry. Very.

  36. Manda

    June 25, 2012 2:45 pm

    Oh Jen. I am so, so sorry to hear this. It’s truly just unfair. Hugs, lady. You have my prayers and tears and condolences on your loss. xo

  37. Jennie

    June 25, 2012 2:55 pm

    I’m thinking of you, Jen. You are such a beautiful person and mother and I’m so sorry any dark clouds are shadowing you these last couple months. Big, virtual hugs.

  38. the grumbles

    June 25, 2012 2:57 pm

    I’m so sorry. Thinking of you all. What a pile of suck.

  39. Laura Diniwilk

    June 25, 2012 2:58 pm

    I’m so sorry, Jen. My heart goes out to you and your family, I will absolutely keep you guys in my thoughts. xoxo

  40. Susan

    June 25, 2012 3:24 pm

    Hi, Jen. I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry for your loss. I was in your shoes 2+ years ago and, after a miscarriage, storm damage to our house (which, naturally, was for sale at the time), our buyer backing out, not one but two cases of aggravation with insurance companies, my sister going through a difficult divorce and other family members having continuing health issues, it all seemed just a bit too much to handle. But, you’re right in that the good eventually comes back. Just remember to give yourself time to grieve, no matter how long after tomorrow’s procedure. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. *Many hugs*

  41. Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children

    June 25, 2012 3:26 pm

    Jen, I’m really, really sorry. Sending lots of prayers and hugs your way.

  42. Miranda

    June 25, 2012 3:37 pm

    I’m so sorry to read this, Jen. Big hugs to get you through the next few days especially. I’m right here, if you need anything at all. You’re right, at some point this will be a distant heartache.Until then, I’m sending you all my very best wishes. xo

  43. Elsha

    June 25, 2012 3:39 pm

    Oh, I am so sorry. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.

  44. Sara @ Belle Plaine

    June 25, 2012 3:43 pm

    Many hugs coming your way now through the internet and in person (!!!) in November.

  45. Julie

    June 25, 2012 4:08 pm

    I’m so sorry for all the stinkiness. You’ve summed it up so beautifully, though, and I know you’ll get through this because of your amazing spirit. Hugs and prayers and good vibes to you and yours.

  46. Jaci

    June 25, 2012 5:35 pm

    Jen, I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending good thoughts for you guys through the treeline and hoping things will be looking up for you guys very soon.

  47. HereWeGoAJen

    June 25, 2012 6:14 pm

    I’m so sorry. I’m thinking about all of you.

  48. Carmen

    June 25, 2012 6:18 pm

    Oh, Jen, I’m so so sorry to hear this. I’m thinking about you guys.

  49. Janet

    June 25, 2012 6:43 pm

    Jen, I am so sorry. Ugh, it’s like…is anyone safe from this particular piece of Life Crap? Apparently no, it seems.

    Sending hugs, chocolate, wine, love, all of it. I’ll be thinking about you lots. xoxo

  50. Erica

    June 25, 2012 7:54 pm

    Very sorry to hear.

  51. Jesabes

    June 25, 2012 9:02 pm

    I’m so very sorry, Jen. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow.

  52. Becky

    June 25, 2012 9:21 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss.

  53. Sarah in Ottawa

    June 25, 2012 9:25 pm

    Blah. I am so, so sorry Jen. Sending lots of prayers your way. xo

  54. Lea

    June 25, 2012 9:33 pm

    I’m so, so sorry. I really hope things start turning around for you very soon.

  55. Erika

    June 25, 2012 9:55 pm

    So very sorry for your loss. Thinking about you.

  56. Kate

    June 25, 2012 11:11 pm

    Oh Jen, I am so sorry. Thinking of you and keeping you guys in my prayers. xoxo

  57. Athena

    June 26, 2012 7:36 am

    I’m so sorry to hear Jen. It feels so awful and it seems like it will always feel awful. But it does get easier. I hope that it gets easier quickly for you and and Dan and Maggie and Audrey. So much love and hugs and prayers and chocolate for you. Looking forward to bigger and better news very soon! xo

  58. Hannah McCurry

    June 26, 2012 7:54 am

    So, so sorry for your loss. Been there. Thinking of you today and sending hugs and love. May copious amounts of chocolate find their way to you.

  59. Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks

    June 26, 2012 9:42 am

    WHAT THE HELL, UNIVERSE, WHAT THE HELL??? Seriously? You guys! I’ve been told the Universe doesn’t give you what you can’t handle. And if that’s the case, you are the strongest person on earth!! My heart breaks to read about this. I know you have an amazing support network and incredible kids and you will get through this. But, it’s ok to be mad, sad, upset and emotional right now. Here’s hoping everything goes smoothly this week … thinking of you.

  60. Tracey (sparkyd)

    June 26, 2012 9:59 am

    I’m so sorry. Sending hugs and healing thoughts for all of you. I think it is great that you “put it out there”. Being able to talk about and acknowledge your grief is a good thing. And it will help other people too. I had a 6 week miscarriage with my first pregnancy and for awhile I felt like I shouldn’t be so upset since it was “only” six weeks. It was a huge relief when I found some info online clearly stating that, no, this was your baby, and you HAVE to grieve. Hang in there.

  61. -R-

    June 26, 2012 10:52 am

    I’m sorry, Jen. I’ll be thinking of you today.

  62. Elizabeth

    June 26, 2012 11:48 am

    You have my prayers today. Unfortunately, this is a place I know. Take care.

  63. CharlieSue

    June 26, 2012 4:29 pm

    I am so very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family!

  64. irene

    June 26, 2012 5:33 pm

    Oh Jen!!! I am SOOOO very sorry!! What a craptastic spring/summer you have had so far! Many prayers for you!

  65. Chrissie

    June 27, 2012 9:28 am

    I am so sorry to hear this and for the loss that you are going through right now. I wish you and your family all the best.

  66. Elizabeth

    June 29, 2012 12:40 pm

    What a perfect storm. I’m so sorry and sad for you that this isn’t the news you wanted to share, and I hope you do get that news soon.

  67. Tara

    June 29, 2012 1:11 pm

    Oh, Friend. I’m so sorry to hear this. Sending big hugs to you!

  68. Judi Reber

    June 29, 2012 3:53 pm

    Jen & Dan, I just read this and am so very sorry. God has great plans for your family, I know!

  69. Home Sweet Sarah

    July 2, 2012 1:29 pm

    I have been living under a rock and I missed this and lady, I am so, so sorry :-/

    I hope you’re feeling better and let’s all rally around July and tell it to LAY OFF. You deserve nothing but good things.

  70. Emily

    July 4, 2012 10:16 pm

    I’m so, so sorry to hear this. Sending you so much love.

  71. Stephanie

    July 23, 2012 12:08 pm

    I’m so, so sorry for your loss. But thank you for sharing what’s going on. I miscarried last September and what helped the most was having heard about other people’s experiences. It made me feel less alone and I reached out to some of them, which helped so much.

    Please take the time to grieve. I pushed it away and was determined to just move on. Now that I’m pregnant again, I’m realizing how I didn’t allow myself enough space to heal, and am so emotional.

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