June 25, 2012
I had the greatest time thinking up how I would share the news. That’s the best part, right? I would write a blog post about how for so long I was SO! AGAINST! IT! I was done! No more for me! But then how somewhere along the way, my mind was changed and my heart was opened and suddenly, I wasn’t done and I was ready to do it one more time. But I was going to wait until it was certain and not let many people know of our plans until it was for sure and then bam! The news! So excitingly shocking and oh the celebrating! How fun would THAT all be?
When it all started going horribly wrong last week, I decided that I wouldn’t tell a soul, other than the few close friends who knew the story so far. I still wanted that moment of WOW! when we finally had the happy news to share and felt like after all of THIS, I deserved to have that moment, dangit. I would keep this all to myself and maybe someday, down the road, when things were happy again, I would tell the story.
But I’ve changed my mind. Again. I do that a lot, apparently.
We’re going have another baby, someday soon, we hope. We thought it was going to happen in February, but last week things changed drastically and at 7 weeks pregnant, I miscarried and here we are. Tomorrow I will have a D&C and the next day I will sleep and rest and hopefully the day after that we will start moving on.
The past two months for our family have not been very fun. We spent a large part of May in the hospital with Audrey and worrying about her and hoping for good news from every test and that she’d get better quickly. There was also a death in the family thrown in for good measure. Then two days after we got home from Audrey’s last hospital stay, I found out I was pregnant and I thought THIS. THIS is how May will be balanced out. YES! The Suck can’t just SIT THERE without something good happening to counteract it. But as it turns out, the shitstorm of life continues and while I know it won’t always feel this crappy, it sure does feel awful when you’re in the middle of it all. And for whatever reason, it particularly frustrates me that this is happening in the summer when we should be out having fun and doing summertime things and not sticking close to home and spending time at doctor’s appointments. Petty and kind of silly, but it’s just another level of crappy, you know?
I try to stay positive and not let this latest blow get me down. We are blessed with two beautiful girls and also with (so far) fertility on our side. So there is absolutely no reason to doubt that someday soon, this whole thing will be a distant memory and we will be happily preparing our house for a third child and shopping for a minivan and freaking out about adding another person to our list of responsibilities and laughing at how ridiculously huge my belly is. But the feelings have been creeping up and choking me when I least expect it. When Maggie is arguing about eating her carrots and then breaking into song at the dinner table or when Audrey climbs up on my lap for an unprompted snuggle or when all three of us were holding hands while walking into daycare this morning. They are the best distraction from life’s struggles but also sometimes a perfect reminder of just how insanely lucky we are.
The physical part of this will be over soon, I know. And I know the intensely emotional part will fade with time. And I’m already worrying about my future level of worrying if and when I get pregnant again. Because WORRYING ABOUT WORRYING IS VERY PRODUCTIVE, OBVIOUSLY.
So you know, right now, things suck big time. If you can, say a prayer for us and maybe share some chocolate? Chocolate always helps.