Yesterday went very well, all things considered. I came home feeling much better physically than I thought I would- a little unsteady on my feet from the anesthesia, but I spent some time on the couch while Dan wrangled the girls to gymnastics and my mom brought us dinner and had a good night of sleep. Today is quiet at home- the girls are at daycare and I’m giving myself today to lay around on the couch and watch tv and mess around on the computer and just recharge a bit before getting back to ‘regular’ living tomorrow.
And what better way to recharge and regroup than to giggle myself silly, reading through my Twitter favorites?
In the Can’t Make This Up files, an 81-year-old woman at the deli asked me “as a young reader” what I thought of the sex in 50 Shades.
— Jonna (@jonniker) April 27, 2012
While holding a calculator very official-like, Ezra just told me, “By my compilations (??), Iris needs new shoes and a clean diaper.” Heh.
— TwoAdults (@TwoAdults) April 28, 2012
Facebook friend wished a happy anniversary to William and Kate. I’m sure they saw the message.
— Tara D’Angelo (@mrsdangelo) April 29, 2012
Husband gets his 3rd speeding ticket of the year. 6yo from backseat: “Dad, isn’t there a thing in your car that says how fast you’re going?”
— Linda(@Sundry) April 29, 2012
Oliver, sweetly: “Mom, maybe you could take a nap while I draw quietly.” ?!? Um, okaaaay. And you’re plotting… what? a coup?
— Melissa (@melissity) April 30, 2012
Husband is not responding to my, “No naps. Am dying. Get ass home asap.” email. Perhaps I should’ve worded it differently?
— Andrea (@ajh_rigs) April 30, 2012
Do you think while the ENT is putting tubes in Spencer’s ear tomorrow, he’ll remove the rest of the Nutella that I know I missed?
— Andrea (@ajh_rigs) May 1, 2012
Asked S why she wasn’t eating: “this dinner tastes mysterious.”
— Sunshine Franklin (@beingfranklin) May 1, 2012
“Being awake is really difficult right now,” screams my haggard face crossed with pillow lines
— the grumbles (@thegrumbles) May 2, 2012
Accidentally took two vitamins instead of two Advils. Headache remains, but scurvy is gone.
— hollyburns (@hollyburns) May 2, 2012
What would we do without husbands who come home with fresh wells of patience and excitement for our kids? Drink heavily, that’s what.
— Jonna (@jonniker) May 3, 2012
I’d like to give a medal to whoever cameup with “The Cleaner Weiner” slogan on the side of this organic hot dog truck.
— metalia (@metalia) May 4, 2012
She showed up about an hour ago and we both went back to sleep. I woke up to someone whispering “here, mom, take dis booger.”
— HereWeGoAJen (@HereWeGoAJen) May 4, 2012
I stood in line to get fabric cut long enough to make a friend. Then she invited me to her sewing group. I’ve become my grandmother!
— nataliejanette (@nataliejanette) May 5, 2012
“Those fireworks were completely unnecessary.” — No one in Pittsburgh ever.
— Virginia Montanez (@JanePitt) May 6, 2012
Weight Watchers weigh-in day: The day you really, really hope you have to poop.
— scarletfire (@scarletfire) May 7, 2012
I am even dressed with makeup on. Thanks to moby wrap and the ability to play soccer while applying mascara. #boys
— Megan Boley (@MeganBoley) May 9, 2012
Zofran is my new favorite. I don’t have enough words to describe my love of Zofran. If I ever get a tattoo it will say S.C. + Z 4 EVR.
— samantha jo campen (@samanthajcampen) May 9, 2012
— keli (@keli_h) May 10, 2012
Cut out alcohol and added an extra day per week of exercising. Gained 5 pounds. See? It’s so easy! Just make a few simple lifestyle changes!
— Swistle Thistle (@Swistle_Thistle) May 10, 2012
You let a monkey watch your candy counter. WHATEVER HAPPENS IS OF YOUR OWN DOING! #curiousgeorge
— samantha jo campen (@samanthajcampen) May 10, 2012
Got a hand vac. I’m sucking crumbs off the floor when I thought “It would be great if this had a long handle so I don’t need to hunch over!”
— samantha jo campen (@samanthajcampen) May 11, 2012
I just dipped my stomach into the nachos. So here we go with that again.
— HereWeGoAJen (@HereWeGoAJen) May 12, 2012
The only way this COBRA situation we’re dealing with could be less fun is if it involved actual cobras.
— Linda(@Sundry) May 12, 2012
‘Somebody’s Grandpa’ would be a great band name. “Put your hands together for Somebody’s Grandpa!” “Win passes to meet Somebody’s Grandpa!”
— Alessandra Souers (@asouers) May 14, 2012
If you’re asking if your toddler is a ‘jeanous’, the answer is probably no.
— mindbling (@mindbling) May 14, 2012
I shaved my legs this morning. that automatically qualifies me for Cirque du Solei, right? #36weekspregnant
— keli (@keli_h) May 14, 2012
Am wearing jammie pants that shrunk after one wash. So now my options are Camel Toe (pulled up) or Weird Gut/Plumber Crack (pulled down).
— TwoAdults (@TwoAdults) May 14, 2012
coworker walking up to the fax machine:”no faxies? :(” and then I killed her.
— katrina (@ohhkatrina) May 15, 2012
Employee: “You want soup AND a salad AND a pastry?!” Imaginary Me: “FOOL, I DIDN’T STUTTER!” Real Me: “Yes.”
— TwoAdults (@TwoAdults) May 15, 2012
Getting blood taken at the doctor is so much less traumatizing than stepping on the scale. I asked if she could take blood twice instead.
— Emily Cassee (@notthatyouasked) May 16, 2012
I tell you what, a Mockingjay tattoo really just screams “I think long-term.”
— metalia (@metalia) May 17, 2012
I used to be a jerk, judging you for your baby’s dirty face. Guys, babies are fast, CRAZY strong, and fucking HATE having their faces wiped.
— Temerity Jane (@TemerityJane) May 17, 2012
Motherhood has given me the circus-like ability to balance on heels and carry a freakish amount of weight and things and people in my arms.
— TwoAdults (@TwoAdults) May 18, 2012
Oh, girl at Publix. Maybe check to make sure your shorts aren’t see-through before wearing underwear proclaiming that you’re a “sure thing.”
— Kate Welsh (@Kate_Welsh) May 18, 2012
Don’t worry! I appear to have gotten the raspberry seed out by eating a Butterfinger and a Twix. Take that, fruit!
— HereWeGoAJen (@HereWeGoAJen) May 20, 2012
Sophia, on being asked to pick up her shoes: “Everything is so boring of you!”
— Sunshine Franklin (@beingfranklin) May 21, 2012
In an unfortunate first, a dirty diaper was accidentally flung open and a snowball of feces rolled across the bathroom floor. BLEACH AHOY.
— TwoAdults (@TwoAdults) May 21, 2012
I’m afraid to look at the serving size on this jumbo bag of chocolate-covered pretzels, since I’m pretty sure it won’t say “FISTFULS.”
— Emily Cassee (@notthatyouasked) May 25, 2012
so. my 5-year old can take her plate and cup and put them in the dishwasher without prompting. but my 43-year old can’t. huh. #men
— keli (@keli_h) May 25, 2012
Just realized Kyle calls clothes hangers “hookers.” He’s walking around the house going “I need a hooker!” This is why people have kids.
— Jennie (@shelikespurple) May 26, 2012
Can smell dinner cooking. Guess we’re having fire. :(
— Honest Toddler (@HonestToddler) May 26, 2012
Jamie: I need a napkin. Me: I need a napkin, what? Jamie: I need ONE napkin. ?#notthemagicword?
— Cari Taylor (@mattieflap) May 27, 2012
“She was literally the apple of his eye.” Really? Because how does that work, actually?
— Kerri W. (@yourwishcake) May 27, 2012
Sweatpants. For when saying you don’t want to have sex today just isn’t enough.
— mindbling (@mindbling) May 29, 2012
My boy is playing with his stuffed monkey & giving him “tisses.” Sometimes the cuteness is overwhelming. And then someone poops themselves.
— Erica Dressed Up (@alldressedup) May 29, 2012
You know, I spend way too much time trying to make sure my bra strap isn’t showing. WHY? It’s not like a big secret. HEY I HAVE BOOBIES???
— AndreAnna (@AndreAnnaRose) May 29, 2012
omg. Something really gross in my mouth. Gotta find my mom’s hand.
— Honest Toddler (@HonestToddler) May 29, 2012
“How to tell if your 4-year-old is upset” – you know what, BabyCenter? I think I’ve got THAT down.
— Bethany (@bessie_viola) May 30, 2012
Toddler Tip: Your mom on the phone? Stay calm. Find some scissors & do something to make sure she never chats on your time again. #curtains
— Honest Toddler (@HonestToddler) May 30, 2012
“J, THERE SHOULD BE A PLACE IN THIS NICE RESTAURANT FOR ME TO LAY DOWN AND COME BACK TO FINISH MY STEAK.” I just invented eating at home.
— metalia (@metalia) May 30, 2012
Pretty sure the Twilight Bark just erupted in our neighborhood. Seriously. YOU MADE YOUR POINT. FIFTEEN SPOTTED PUPPIES STOLEN WE GOT IT.
— samantha jo campen (@samanthajcampen) June 2, 2012
I held out my hand and said, “High five!” Phil thrust his crotch and me and said, “High three!” Ladies and gentlemen, my husband.
— Temerity Jane (@temerityjane) June 3, 2012
“Mommy, don’t worry, I got my OWN breakfast.” As I see her running off with the Chips Ahoy box. Riiight.
— Jonna (@jonniker) June 4, 2012
Lady, if you point your finger at me taking too long to put my kid in the car again, I will remove it. Bath salts have SHIT on 40 weeks.
— Jonna (@jonniker) June 4, 2012
“I’m DONE with dinner I’m FULL I don’t WANT ANY MORE put me in PJs, I’m TIRED I want– oh you guys eating? That looks good. I’ll have it.”
— Temerity Jane (@temerityjane) June 5, 2012
I’m putting together a prenatal yoga DVD. The entire thing will consist of trying to put lotion on your feet.
— keli (@keli_h) June 6, 2012
Every toddler you see alive is a miracle. No other age group routinely falls off of couches, slides, runs into walls, end tables, as much.
— Honest Toddler (@HonestToddler) June 7, 2012
New tactic for avoiding sleep: “The dark is making me cough,” followed by super fake coughing noises.
— -R- (@Andyouknow) June 8, 2012
Thanks to autocorrect, I just told my mom, “thanks for the labium, I slept great last night.”
— Megan (@MegglesP) June 9, 2012
Changing M’s diaper, and he grabbed his p3nis. “Mine,” he said. #andsoitbegins
— Dawn Patton (@redpenmamapgh) June 11, 2012
“Thank you for the fun outing, which we will appreciate instead of being needy and demanding upon returning home.” – Thing I’ll never hear.
— Linda (@Sundry) June 11, 2012
“I’m in a meeting right now, can I call you back?” -lady in business clothes at nail salon
— Caitlin (@HBapothecary) June 13, 2012
I fink I put too much watermewon in dere instagr.am/p/L1YzDsNWJi/
— keli (@keli_h) June 14, 2012
Have been Lone Wolf for 45 minutes. Does Taco Bell make breakfast?
— Erica Huff (@ericahuff) June 14, 2012
Nate want’s me to build track, I told him I need a shower “Mom, you really don’t, you don’t even smell like hot dogs yet.”
— Christina (@ChristinaRTS) June 14, 2012
Thing I just accidentally said at the drive-through: “Hi! Is your McFlurry machine McWorking?” #dork
— Virginia Montanez (@JanePitt) June 19, 2012
Sam, so committed to the three-year-old notion of doing things all by herself, informed me she’s taking a vacation all by herself next week.
— Jonna (@jonniker) June 21, 2012
Was rocking Iris a bit before bed and Ezra busted into the room saying, “I’M BEING QUIET LIKE A NINJA AND I’M LONELY.” Sigh.
— TwoAdults (@TwoAdults) June 21, 2012
“Stop getting me wettttttttt!” –Every water-adjacent child in a bathing suit ever.
— metalia (@metalia) June 22, 2012
I went to get a drink and returned to Sam, “She’s saying hi to me!” as Alex waved via her hand, Weekend at Bernie’s style.
— Jonna (@jonniker) June 25, 2012
TWO OF OUR BUTTERFLIES ARE DOING IT.
— samantha jo campen (@samanthajcampen) June 25, 2012
Sam: I love Baby Alex. My daddy got her fir me in the hospital! NO KID I PROMISE I DID THAT MYSELF.
— Jonna (@jonniker) June 26, 2012
Dr is happy w/weight gain. “Just continue to keep making those good food decisions.” So I laughed & got 4 tacos & a bean burrito afterwards.
— samantha jo campen (@samanthajcampen) June 26, 2012
I think I owe Steve Jobs like eight thousand dollars in babysitting fees for the iPad.
— BackpackingDad (@BackpackingDad) June 26, 2012