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a series of unfortunate events

I had the greatest time thinking up how I would share the news. That’s the best part, right? I would write a blog post about how for so long I was SO! AGAINST! IT! I was done! No more for me! But then how somewhere along the way, my mind was changed and my heart was opened and suddenly, I wasn’t done and I was ready to do it one more time. But I was going to wait until it was certain and not let many people know of our plans until it was for sure and then bam! The news! So excitingly shocking and oh the celebrating! How fun would THAT all be?

When it all started going horribly wrong last week, I decided that I wouldn’t tell a soul, other than the few close friends who knew the story so far. I still wanted that moment of WOW! when we finally had the happy news to share and felt like after all of THIS, I deserved to have that moment, dangit. I would keep this all to myself and maybe someday, down the road, when things were happy again, I would tell the story.

But I’ve changed my mind. Again. I do that a lot, apparently.

We’re going have another baby, someday soon, we hope. We thought it was going to happen in February, but last week things changed drastically and at 7 weeks pregnant, I miscarried and here we are. Tomorrow I will have a D&C and the next day I will sleep and rest and hopefully the day after that we will start moving on.

The past two months for our family have not been very fun. We spent a large part of May in the hospital with Audrey and worrying about her and hoping for good news from every test and that she’d get better quickly. There was also a death in the family thrown in for good measure. Then two days after we got home from Audrey’s last hospital stay, I found out I was pregnant and I thought THIS. THIS is how May will be balanced out. YES! The Suck can’t just SIT THERE without something good happening to counteract it. But as it turns out, the shitstorm of life continues and while I know it won’t always feel this crappy, it sure does feel awful when you’re in the middle of it all. And for whatever reason, it particularly frustrates me that this is happening in the summer when we should be out having fun and doing summertime things and not sticking close to home and spending time at doctor’s appointments. Petty and kind of silly, but it’s just another level of crappy, you know?

I try to stay positive and not let this latest blow get me down. We are blessed with two beautiful girls and also with (so far) fertility on our side. So there is absolutely no reason to doubt that someday soon, this whole thing will be a distant memory and we will be happily preparing our house for a third child and shopping for a minivan and freaking out about adding another person to our list of responsibilities and laughing at how ridiculously huge my belly is. But the feelings have been creeping up and choking me when I least expect it. When Maggie is arguing about eating her carrots and then breaking into song at the dinner table or when Audrey climbs up on my lap for an unprompted snuggle or when all three of us were holding hands while walking into daycare this morning. They are the best distraction from life’s struggles but also sometimes a perfect reminder of just how insanely lucky we are.

The physical part of this will be over soon, I know. And I know the intensely emotional part will fade with time. And I’m already worrying about my future level of worrying if and when I get pregnant again. Because WORRYING ABOUT WORRYING IS VERY PRODUCTIVE, OBVIOUSLY.

So you know, right now, things suck big time. If you can, say a prayer for us and maybe share some chocolate? Chocolate always helps.

71 Comments


  1. Rebecca (Bearca)

    Ohhh. I am so very sorry, Jen.

    Jun 25 12:08 pm


  2. Oh Jen, I am so very very sorry for your loss. ((hugs)) to you and your whole family.

    Jun 25 12:08 pm


  3. red pen mama
    @redpenmamapgh

    HUGS HUGS HUGS! there aren’t enough. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I will keep you all in my prayers, and figure out how to get you some chocolate!

    Jun 25 12:11 pm


  4. Candace
    @girlhaq

    Thinking of you all Jen! Love you guys xoxo <3

    Jun 25 12:13 pm


  5. Tracy
    @overmom

    Oh Jen. My heart aches for you. Thoughts, prayers and many hugs to you.

    Jun 25 12:13 pm


  6. I’m so sorry you’re going through this!

    Jun 25 12:14 pm


  7. Hillary
    @HillaryCopsey

    Oh Jen! I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I’m sending you the best of thoughts and hopes for the future.

    Jun 25 12:17 pm


  8. Elisabeth
    @Epsnider

    I’m so sorry! I will be sending prayers and good thoughts your way for a rest end of summer for your family.

    Jun 25 12:17 pm


  9. So very sorry, Jen. Thinking of you guys!

    Jun 25 12:22 pm


  10. Michelle
    @notraisingbrats

    Oh Jen. I’m so sorry. Hugs for you all and hoping for wonderful things starting NOW!

    Jun 25 12:27 pm


  11. Angela
    @Damicoistrouble

    I am so sorry to hear about this. You and your very blessed family are in my prayers. There is always a plan for you, remember that. Things will get better and you have a fantastic support system all around you.

    ~ Angela

    Jun 25 12:27 pm


  12. Janette
    @JanetteZimZim

    I’m sorry you have to go through this. I don’t have any chocolate to spare, though boy I wish I did right now, but I have hugs and positive thoughts and other good things to share with you.

    Jun 25 12:31 pm


  13. Anne
    @annabellespeaks

    Oh, that sucks. I’m so sorry. I’ll be sending you all the chocolate-covered positive thoughts in the world. I hope you’ll get to share that YAY GOOD NEWS post with us someday super soon.
    xo

    Jun 25 12:33 pm


  14. Allison
    @AllisonB

    Jen, I am so, so sorry. On top of everything else! What a crappy summer it has been so far, huh?

    But I am also very excited that you are going to have a third! I’ll be thinking of you guys.

    Jun 25 12:35 pm


  15. Samantha Jo campen
    @samanthajcampen

    I wish I were closer. That’s all I can say xo

    Jun 25 12:35 pm


  16. Too much. It’s all just too much for one little family to deal with all at once. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with it anyway. Sending all the love and hugs and everything and I can’t wait until you get to share all the happy news you deserve. <3

    Jun 25 12:41 pm


  17. Melissa
    @sempremelissa

    :( Wish I knew what to say/do… I’ve been there x3 and I still feel so helpless when it happens to other people. Just know that we all love you and we cannot WAIT to cheer with you on the other side someday. xoxo

    Jun 25 12:48 pm


  18. K
    @twoadults

    This current state of things in your house is a just a giant bucket of poo.

    Thumbs down.

    xo

    Jun 25 12:50 pm


  19. Cari
    @mattieflap

    I’m so sorry, Jen. Good thoughts to you and Dan. Hoping that this is a sucky beginning but not an unhappy ending in the long run.

    Jun 25 12:54 pm


  20. Becca
    @beccasanborn

    All I can offer is hugs and virtual chocolate. So *hugs* and *passes out the good stuff*. :)

    Jun 25 1:00 pm


  21. Prayers for you and your family. Hope things turn around soon and we can all celebrate with you!

    Jun 25 1:00 pm


  22. I’m so sorry!

    I was just commenting on someone else’s unfortunate post of their recent miscarriage last night and there was a comment that is so true – someday this will just be a sentence in your history. That doesn’t make it any easier now, but it will be.

    Thinking and praying for you, both for peace and healing now, and for joyous news at the right time in the future.

    Jun 25 1:16 pm


  23. I’m so sorry. I will be praying for all of you guys, but you especially. My heart cries for your loss. Can you email me your address (i promise I’m not a creepy stalker!)? I want to send you some chocolate. *hugs*

    Jun 25 1:23 pm


  24. bessie.viola
    @bessie_viola

    Sending you so so much love. Love, hugs, prayers and pie for you and the family. Here’s to a much happier next chapter for you all. xo

    Jun 25 1:28 pm


  25. Sara Joy

    Chocolate. Hugs. (the pocket internet version, but it’s the very very best I’ve got)

    Jun 25 1:34 pm


  26. Erica
    @ericahuff

    Oh, no. I’m so sorry.

    Jun 25 1:38 pm


  27. Becky

    I’m so sorry Jen. My thoughts are with you and your family.

    Now, we’re almost half-way through this year. Time to turn it around!

    Jun 25 1:42 pm


  28. I’m so sorry to hear this news. Thoughts and prayers to you.

    Jun 25 1:51 pm


  29. I’m so sorry. Things are so unfair sometimes. I’ll be thinking of you.

    Jun 25 2:13 pm


  30. Jen. Oh Jen. I’m so sorry to hear this.

    Many healing, peace-filled thoughts and prayers for you.

    (I am tickled to hear that you are open to more kids, though. I can’t wait for the day when I come and see your pregnancy announcement. I KNOW it will happen. :))

    Jun 25 2:16 pm


  31. Kate

    I am so so sorry. Hugs and prayers for you and your family. Rest up.

    Jun 25 2:17 pm


  32. heather

    I am sorry for your loss. Sending prayers your way.

    Jun 25 2:22 pm


  33. Dave (Scrumpy Daddy)
    @scrumpydaddy

    Oh, I’m so sorry, Jen. I hope all goes well, smoothly, and quickly with the D&C, so that you can leave that part behind you.

    All the best to you and Dan.

    Jun 25 2:23 pm


  34. keli
    @kelihoskins

    so much love and hugs and prayers and wishes that i could bring you some chocolate and my bony shoulder. but my virtual bony shoulder is ALWAYS HERE. anytime.

    i hope Wednesday brings a brighter day and a new start for you guys. and a much nicer universe. xoxo

    Jun 25 2:40 pm


  35. Erin
    @ecsuperhero

    Hey, universe. This is unfair. I know I’m sorry is true. But I am. I’m sorry. Very.

    Jun 25 2:44 pm


  36. Manda
    @insidedog

    Oh Jen. I am so, so sorry to hear this. It’s truly just unfair. Hugs, lady. You have my prayers and tears and condolences on your loss. xo

    Jun 25 2:45 pm


  37. I’m thinking of you, Jen. You are such a beautiful person and mother and I’m so sorry any dark clouds are shadowing you these last couple months. Big, virtual hugs.

    Jun 25 2:55 pm


  38. I’m so sorry. Thinking of you all. What a pile of suck.

    Jun 25 2:57 pm


  39. Laura Diniwilk
    @lauradiniwilk

    I’m so sorry, Jen. My heart goes out to you and your family, I will absolutely keep you guys in my thoughts. xoxo

    Jun 25 2:58 pm


  40. Hi, Jen. I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry for your loss. I was in your shoes 2+ years ago and, after a miscarriage, storm damage to our house (which, naturally, was for sale at the time), our buyer backing out, not one but two cases of aggravation with insurance companies, my sister going through a difficult divorce and other family members having continuing health issues, it all seemed just a bit too much to handle. But, you’re right in that the good eventually comes back. Just remember to give yourself time to grieve, no matter how long after tomorrow’s procedure. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. *Many hugs*

    Jun 25 3:24 pm


  41. Jen, I’m really, really sorry. Sending lots of prayers and hugs your way.

    Jun 25 3:26 pm


  42. I’m so sorry to read this, Jen. Big hugs to get you through the next few days especially. I’m right here, if you need anything at all. You’re right, at some point this will be a distant heartache.Until then, I’m sending you all my very best wishes. xo

    Jun 25 3:37 pm


  43. Elsha

    Oh, I am so sorry. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.

    Jun 25 3:39 pm


  44. Many hugs coming your way now through the internet and in person (!!!) in November.

    Jun 25 3:43 pm


  45. Julie
    @julaver

    I’m so sorry for all the stinkiness. You’ve summed it up so beautifully, though, and I know you’ll get through this because of your amazing spirit. Hugs and prayers and good vibes to you and yours.

    Jun 25 4:08 pm


  46. Jen, I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending good thoughts for you guys through the treeline and hoping things will be looking up for you guys very soon.

    Jun 25 5:35 pm


  47. HereWeGoAJen
    @herewegoajen

    I’m so sorry. I’m thinking about all of you.

    Jun 25 6:14 pm


  48. Carmen
    @CarmenDHF

    Oh, Jen, I’m so so sorry to hear this. I’m thinking about you guys.

    Jun 25 6:18 pm


  49. Janet
    @loveisblonde

    Jen, I am so sorry. Ugh, it’s like…is anyone safe from this particular piece of Life Crap? Apparently no, it seems.

    Sending hugs, chocolate, wine, love, all of it. I’ll be thinking about you lots. xoxo

    Jun 25 6:43 pm


  50. Very sorry to hear.

    Jun 25 7:54 pm