I don’t know about you, but these past few weeks have cleaned my CLOCK. Work, mainly. But also life with two kids, just in general. As a result of the crazyness, I haven’t had enough energy to focus and write anything bloggable in like TEN DAYS. So, to continue my laziness, I’m gonna let 4 months of Twitter Awesomeness do my entertaining today.
(I will not lie: by the time I got to the end of this list, I WAS WHEEZE-LAUGHING. Nothing brightens my day more than my peeps on Twitter. Nothing. Love you guys.)
You know what, Whyatt? Nothing about that was a super-big problem. NOTHING. Take off your stupid shoes, Red. You’re an ASSHOLE.
— Jonna (@jonniker) December 29, 2011
Confession: When I have a ton of work to get done, I listen to intense movie scores. Because then everything is epic. Must EDIT OR DIE!
— AndreAnna (@AndreAnnaRose) January 9, 2012
Sometimes your kid snuggles with you sweetly and other times he jumps on your head from some perch you didn’t know he was on.
— Jennie (@shelikespurple) January 11, 2012
Imagine if I’d known, back when I listened to Bill Cosby’s “Himself” as a kid, that I was laughing at my exact future life.
— Linda(@Sundry) January 11, 2012
I hope J enjoys my texts about toddler farts while he is in court being professional.
— Megan Boley (@MeganBoley) January 12, 2012
New diet idea: eat your food on the couch and have my cat come over and yawn in your face. Gag. Never eat again.
— samantha jo campen (@samanthajcampen) January 12, 2012
Worst FYI ever? “Mama! I’m tooting on your pilllllooowwww!”
— TwoAdults (@TwoAdults) January 13, 2012
Explained to the kids that I had a deadline and I needed them to play quietly. 2min later, oldest to youngest: “Shhh! Mommy has a dead guy!”
— Allyson M. Kane (@ADL_Kane) January 20, 2012
“You don’t come to a BAR to eat a SALAD,” said the bartender. And that’s how I ended up with garlic fries and tacos, Your Honor.
— hollyburns (@hollyburns) January 22, 2012
Whenever I see someone driving the exact same make/model/color car I drive, I feel like we should do something. Honk. Flash tits. SOMETHING.
— Linda(@Sundry) January 23, 2012
There should be a NO COUPONS lane at the grocery store. OMG, now she’s writing a check. Like a freaking CAVEMAN.
— A’Dell (@adellstevens) January 23, 2012
Me: “Can’t you find something to DO?”3yo: “Nope! I’m just gonna stay here and bug you.”Well, points for honesty.
— Linda(@Sundry) January 24, 2012
I love it when I’m feeling all cool & I slam my sweater in the door of the car and try walking and get pulled back to the car. In public.
— Beth@foldinglaundry (@foldinglaundry) January 26, 2012
What does it say about me that I got up for a glass of water and ended up vacuuming the downstairs? Nothing cool, I’ll bet.
— Donna (@DonnaMcKee) January 28, 2012
Just saw a fatty squirrel eating outside. I sat on my couch eating lunch. We shared a knowing look.
— TwoAdults (@TwoAdults) January 29, 2012
When the story of how you got hurt starts with “my feet were on the table,” I have trouble feeling sorry for you.
— burghbaby (@burghbaby) February 5, 2012
I changed into yoga pants and hand to God, Sam said IN A SNIDE TONE, “Are you putting those on for ‘exercise,’ Mommy?” WITH AIR QUOTES.
— Jonna (@jonniker) February 5, 2012
Barfing in Target while buying Poise pads. Pregnancy: FEEL THE MAGIC.
— Jonna (@jonniker) February 9, 2012
Oh, you know. Just brushing my daughter’s hair with a barbed comb of flame and pit vipers. OR SO YOU WOULD THINK.
— metalia (@metalia) February 19, 2012
Now an infomercial is trying to sell me a pan based on how well it smashes other pans. Cooking: You’re doing it wrong.
— BackpackingDad (@BackpackingDad) February 19, 2012
Someone needs to make a candle called “Hamburger Browning (with Onions).”
— BindsTheTuna(@BindsTheTuna) February 20, 2012
Do you have a special place where you display your kids’ artwork? Trying to think where this amazing piece should go! twitter.com/Sundry/status/…
— Linda(@Sundry) February 21, 2012
I’m pretty sure the pioneers croaked at 35 because they did not have kind friends found via Twitter.
— TwoAdults (@TwoAdults) February 22, 2012
So when is Google coming out with their food transporter? I’m hungry. *glares at The Cloud*
— Tristina (@TristinaWright) February 22, 2012
Wito: “Was everyone a baby at some point?” Me: “Yes.” Wito: “Then who took care of the first baby?” CAN’T WE JUST TALK ABOUT ANGRY BIRDS?
— Sarah James (@whoorl) February 25, 2012
PMS makes us do wacky things and cussing out a box of aluminum foil is one of my best.
— Emily Cassee (@notthatyouasked) March 2, 2012
Tomorrow is pajama day in Iris’ classroom at school, and Ezra said “I want a jammie day!” I told him to get in line.
— TwoAdults (@TwoAdults) March 2, 2012
“Look, LOOK!!” he says, pointing out the car window. “That cow’s taking a huge dump!” My husband, the tour guide.
— Kate Welsh (@Kate_Welsh) March 2, 2012
Well. Jones just ate his own poop for the first time. Where’s the baby book?
— mindbling (@mindbling) March 3, 2012
Sooooo. It appears I am on my own for dinner. What wine pairs with a Lean Pocket?
— mindbling (@mindbling) March 4, 2012
My animals were not adequately destroying my favorite possessions so I had kids. #smarts
— Sara Joy (@SaraJOY) March 5, 2012
I’ll never not think gonzaga is a cheese.
— Virginia Montanez (@JanePitt) March 6, 2012
I just took my sports bra off with my workout tank and running jacket still on. No wonder I was popular in college.
— AndreAnna (@AndreAnnaRose) March 7, 2012
I love how happy Leo is when he gets up for the day. SO excited to be alive. He’s basically Alec Baldwin’s Friends character.
— Diane (@dashoff) March 7, 2012
the next time a check engine light comes on in my car I am just going to put a Chiquita Banana sticker over it.
— Elizabeth (@ebj123) March 7, 2012
I’m about to take 3 children to the dentist. Please light all the candles.
— Maggie Cheung (@mightymaggie) March 8, 2012
Anybody else think “What can I eat without having to share?” once their kids are in bed?
— Casey-moosh in indy. (@mooshinindy) March 9, 2012
I have cut myself on the foil yogurt cover three times this week. You can just go ahead and send that Nobel prize to my home address.
— pseudostoops (@pseudostoops) March 9, 2012
I’ve never written a cover letter before. No one told me you just get to talk mad props about yourself! This thing’s gonna be 12 pages long!
— Sarah (@homesweetsarah) March 9, 2012
We followed the garbage truck on our walk home from preschool. Will possibly be the highlight of 2012.
— Maggie Cheung (@mightymaggie) March 9, 2012
Okay, the trick to unlocking the steering wheel is calling it a name that involves four f-bombs.
— EC (@ecsuperhero) March 10, 2012
Next time you want to brag about laziness, please note that I never changed my watch back an hour in the fall, and HAIL YOUR QUEEN.
— metalia (@metalia) March 11, 2012
I’m baking kale and the kids walk into the kitchen. Wito: “Mom’s making that green stuff that smells like garbage again…”
— Sarah James (@whoorl) March 14, 2012
Balki (AKA Bronson Pinchot) is on GMA today. (Of course he is, don’t be ridiculous.)
— Jim Lokay (@lokay) March 15, 2012
I have a hypothesis that I am currently testing: Peanut butter pudding would taste great frozen. I’m basically a scientist.
— Ashley (@LittleLeafAsh) March 15, 2012
Is it inappropriate to spray my son with the cat’s water bottle when he won’t stop doing something he’s not supposed to?
— Erica Dressed Up (@alldressedup) March 16, 2012
Theo woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Then he shouted “MOM! CAN YOU FLUSH FOR ME? I DIDN’T WANT TO WAKE YOU UP!”
— samantha jo campen (@samanthajcampen) March 16, 2012
Apparently I reached down my shirt to scratch my boob in front of our accountant. So, you know, this stay at home gig is really working out.
— Noemi (@NASeason) March 17, 2012
My brother just did 62 pushups in 42 seconds, which means he just beat my 2 pushups in 30.5 years by THISMUCH.
— Diane (@dashoff) March 21, 2012
My phone’s battery just died, sending me a clear “stop dicking around on the Internet & go to bed” message. Except HA HA IS iPAD TIME NOW
— amalah (@amalah) March 21, 2012
I held my hand out behind me for Phil to put a cookie in it. That is not what he put in it. Oh, god. We’re married. This is permanent.
— Temerity Jane (@TemerityJane) March 24, 2012
I would really like to eat my feelings now, but there are no feelings-flavored items in the house.
— Noemi (@NASeason) March 27, 2012
“Do NOT come in the playroom, OKAY, MOMMY? I am VERY BUSY.” Riiiiight. I’m on my way, kid.
— Jonna (@jonniker) March 29, 2012
“I’m so tired. I wish I could take this shower sitting down, or something.” And that’s the story of how I invented baths.
— metalia (@metalia) April 1, 2012
Searching running playlists on Spotify & almost EVERYONE has Eye of the Tiger regardless of music taste. Conclusion? We’re all dorks inside.
— AndreAnna (@AndreAnnaRose) April 2, 2012
— Jill Sloffer (@jillsloffer) April 2, 2012
The cat needs to learn how to light a match.
— samantha jo campen (@samanthajcampen) April 5, 2012
Well my husband has been out of town like 6 hours and I’ve already run off and gotten knocked up with Chipotle’s burrito baby. Just sad.
— Manda (@insidedog) April 10, 2012
Handed my little niece an Etch-a-Sketch.Her: “How do you turn it on?”
— Virginia Montanez (@JanePitt) April 11, 2012
Adele calls “turn signals” “corn scissors.”As you were.
— natalie (@narmalie) April 12, 2012
As many of you said, Super Why taught Kyle all his letters. When I tell offline friends, though, I’ll replace “Super Why” with “his mother.”
— Jennie (@shelikespurple) April 16, 2012
G started running again this week to lose HIS “baby weight gain” of 4 whole lb, which I could totally crush with my 32lb gain of NOT PITY.
— Melissa (@melissity) April 16, 2012
Just cut myself a piece of cake and said, “AWWWWW YEEAHHHH.” out loud in the kitchen. This is why I can never be single again.
— TwoAdults (@TwoAdults) April 17, 2012
“Mommy!I want cereal!I’m at the couch!” -my son who thinks he lives in Denny’s
— mona concepcion (@kirida) April 17, 2012
The 4yo and I are having similar meltdowns today.Him: “DADDY EATED ALL MY SNACKIMALS!”Me: “THE IRS TAKED ALL OUR MONIES!”
— Linda(@Sundry) April 18, 2012
“Wow mom. Lisa must sure like butter because you’ve been eating a lot of it.” *judgy stare*That is why he’s in a time-out until college.
— samantha jo campen (@samanthajcampen) April 25, 2012