Twitter Updates

favortweets, round #22

Anytime I need a pick-me-up, I go read through my favorited Tweets on Twitter. I love you guys. Seriously.

TwoAdults: Saw a NYT article about men/women sexting immediately after sending my husband this: I wouldn’t mind a cheeseburger and some cake. Tonight.

AllisonB: There is not enough patience in this world to have to sit quietly and watch a three-year-old button up his five-button pajamas. “Watch me!”

dashoff: Those first two newborn weeks are a thing of nearly effortless glory, aren’t they? Then the Actual Baby shows up.

BackpackingDad: Why are kids so fast when they’re knocking full cups off the table, but so slow to put their fucking shoes on?

narmalie: Not correcting Adele’s pronunciation of “wicked snackmother.” Ever.

AndreAnnaRose: “I GOIN’ ‘MANDO, DADDY! DAT MEANS I HAVE NOFFING ON MAH WIENER!!” (This is what happens when you haven’t done laundry all week.)

playgroupie: I have a new job! I’m responsible for making the cock a doodle sounds for waking up A’s My Little ponies and Zoobles. The pay is terrible.

TristinaWright: So. Half my big toenail ripped off. The baby has already stepped on it 3 times. This morning is brought to you by the letters M and F.

foldinglaundry: I’m about to complete Day 1 of the Car to Baskin Robbins Milkshake Program. (c2brmp)

Sundry: On a scale of Practical Chic to Britney Spears Yelling for Cheetos While Taking a Dump, how would you rate wearing yoga pants on a flight?

AndreAnnaRose: Dear bat who flew too close to my head at 5 am this morning, I will eff your winged shit up. In theory. In reality, I think I peed a little.

MeganBoley: I never put batteries in B’s toys. I did this morning and now he is in baby Vegas.

woycheck: MTV clearly has a branding problem, but “Decline and Fall of Western Civilization Television” doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.

Sundry: “PSHEW PSHEW I NEED MILK PEW OW STOP IT MOMMM HE TOOK MY POW KABOOM WIPE MY BUTT!” — soundtrack for my How to Work from Home video.

LizScott: Just sternly rebuked s/daughter for laziness. Teenagers, right?! She is just going to WATCH commercials when the TiVO remote is RIGHT THERE

metalia: Passing a boat named “Cornucopia Majesty” has inspired my new game, “Boat, Toddlers & Tiaras Contestant, Whore, or My Little Pony.”

mindbling: Dear teenage girls in short shorts, Enjoy it now. I’ve seen your future. And it has a lotta capris.

melissity: patients think we don’t read their info sheets. for the question “are you pregnant?” an 81yo man answered “no, but we’re trying.”

TemerityJane: So crotchless panties are sexy, but my @PumpEase pumping bra with the nipple slits isn’t? I’ll never understand men.

samanthajcampen: Theo kissed my leg then quickly slapped his hands over his mouth and yelled: “Your leg STABBED me! Go in the shower and SHAVE!”

yankeedrawl: 4 yr old running around house sing-yelling “Cotton balls, cotton balls.” I’ll leave your imagination to guess what the adults keep hearing.

CranberryPerson: To get pumped for the week my wife and I have without kids, I’m watching old Vince Lombardi speeches and pretending they’re about doing it.

TemerityJane: One of the current great joys in my life: waiting for Phil to stub his toe and then helpfully suggesting he just breathe through the pain.

dashoff: I’m just saying, I wouldn’t necessarily MIND if the sea witch stole my daughter’s voice for a little while.

melissity: O: “My tummy doesn’t feel good.” Me: “Do you need to poop?” …3 min later… O: “Mommy, you earned a STAR STICKER for solving the problem.”

Sundry: Neighbor kid is over. If this is what it’s like to have three kids I know what I’m having for dinner tonight: a bucket of Ortho-Cyclen.

shelikespurple: “Babe, what’s this green binder?” “That’s our home organizational folder.” “……..it’s empty.” #babysteps

SarahLena: I literally just almost choked to death on a cashew alone in a conference room and thought I CAN’T DIE WITH THIS HAIRCUT.

hollyburns: Nothing will make you feel older than looking on Facebook for the kids you used to babysit. And then finding them. Drinking.

ismile4jc: Hate when I’m in my coffee zone and all “yep, maybe, sounds good” to the kids and Ash goes YAAAY and I have no idea what I just agreed to.

TristinaWright: Elmo still wants to know MORE about world domination! How can Elmo find out MORE?

samanthajcampen: Was eating brownie over sink, a chunk fell & seriously, you would have thought I was trying to save the Hope Diamond w/my flailing about.

torrie: The consequences of having a girly big sister- I found a sparkle on my son’s scrotum.

dashoff: Rewriting Katy Perry’s “Friday Night” song to include prepping diapers, watching Scrubs, and eating oatmeal.

shelikespurple: Kyle just sang our grocery list throughout Walmart. Unfortunately that made the lyrics: “Vitamins and beer! Vitamins and beer!”

notthatyouasked: Today at the zoo, Lucy was making tortoise noises. Unfortunately, the tortoise she was imitating was, uh, mounting another tortoise.

kirida: picture day today! which means he’ll wear the opposite of what I want and his hair will look like I combed his hair with a shoe.

notthatyouasked: “Haven’t seen my husband in a week” translates roughly to “wow, I have a lot of shaving to do.”

CranberryPerson: So, parents who model appropriate behavior for their kids, is that, like, in ADDITION TO or INSTEAD OF screaming at them to just be good?

SarahLena: As I hobble around tonight, wondering what Katniss would do if this happened to her, it’s evident that, YES, she would eat 4 sugar cookies.

Sundry: My husband made a clock out of two potatoes and some wire. BURN HIM HE’S A WITCH

mooshinindy: Asparagus pee is your body’s way of saying “You ate something healthy today, please help yourself to another mini Twix.”

TemerityJane: Penny is all kinds of fussy. Me: Do you want me to put her to sleep? Phil: Well, no, I think THAT’S a little drastic.

AndreAnnaRose: It is wrong to ask the hot guy at the coffee shop who can’t find a seat if he wants to sit on my lap. It is wrong to ask the hot guy at….

DonnaMcKee: Why are we not using raw jalapeno juice in chemical warfare?

JanePitt: Today my husband wore black shoes and white socks to church. I prayed for him.

narmalie: Shrieks come from the girls’ room; I investigate. “We’re playing bus, and Adele is the kid who didn’t pay attention and got RUN OVER.”

metalia: Phone just autocorrected “parent-teacher confs” to “parent-teacher congas,” which, HOW FUN WOULD THAT BE?

samanthajcampen: “Thanks for my cereal mom! You’re like a SERVANT!” Truer words have never been spoken. Fact.

TemerityJane: CVS Earplugs Saved my Marriage: The Temerity Jane Story.

ChristinaRTS: Everytime there is a crash somewhere in the house and I’m on the computer my head goes to “tonight at 11, child dies while mother tweets!”

LittleLeafAsh: Me: “Gabe, you’re so much more fun this year than you were last year. ” Mike: “Yeah, you totally sucked last year.”

alldressedup: Maddie: Mom, I wiped my heinie this morning. It was HORRIFYING.

asouers: OH at Mac Experience: “What’s the difference between WiFi and 3G?” Sir, you are not allowed to buy that iPad.

Sundry: I literally can’t talk to my kids for like an hour after I clean their toilet.

TwoAdults: Sometimes being an adult blows (see: bills, pinchy pants) and sometimes it is okay (see: giving someone the finger in the car, M&Ms in bed).

AndreAnnaRose: Um, how do you get silly putty off a couch? And please, skip the step about killing the kid that kid it. I’m on that part right now.

shelikespurple: “Mommy, hand me my juice, please.” “You can reach it, buds.” “But, I’m siiiiiiiiick.” Yep, I totally gave birth to my husband.

BackpackingDad: What do you mean “IEIEEEE” isn’t a word? Stupid wwf.

bearca: Suspicious: when you ask a 3 yo after a long silence in the other room what she’s doing and she says brightly, “I love you mommy!!”

TwoAdults: Eating a steak and watching “Top Gear.” I may also be growing a penis.

tooptumber: Watching a show about leopards with A. There’s a gazelle running from a leopard WHILE GIVING BIRTH. We humans are WIMPS.

13 Comments

  1. Cari
    @mattieflap

    TEARS. TEARS running down my face. Oh Damn, my night needed that.

    (and I hope, one day, to be funny enough to make this august list.)

    Jan 9 8:51 pm


  2. Jesabes
    @Jesabesblog

    I love these posts!

    Jan 9 9:32 pm


  3. Tracey (sparkyd)

    Ditto on the tears. My husband is going to wonder what the hell happened to me when I go upstairs. I love favortweets!

    Jan 9 10:23 pm


  4. These are awesome.

    Jan 9 11:37 pm


  5. TwoAdults
    @twoadults

    Oh my lands. Those made my laugh-cry at work.

    Jan 10 9:22 am


  6. -R-

    I love these. Except for the last one. The last one traumatized me.

    Jan 10 11:01 am


  7. Dave (Scrumpy Daddy)
    @scrumpydaddy

    I need to back into Twitter! These crack me up, every time!

    Jan 10 12:53 pm


  8. Andrea
    @ajh_rigs

    “Mommy! Are you okay? You are laughing! Why are the tears in your eyes?”

    Omg- I have to start following Temerity Jane! Putting the baby to sleep… Breathing through the pain… Haha!!!

    Jan 10 2:37 pm


    • Jen
      @jayesel

      oh you DO. She’s hilarious (and lovely in person, too, I met her at The Blathering!)

      Jan 10 2:50 pm


  9. keli
    @kelihoskins

    huh-freaking-larious!

    Jan 10 9:33 pm


  10. red pen mama
    @redpenmamapgh

    crying over here. CRYING. also, I clearly need to step up my game a little. ;)

    Jan 11 10:49 am


  11. Erica
    @ericahuff

    I have to start favoriting tweets.

    Jan 11 3:56 pm


  12. These remain my most favorite posts ON THE INTERNET.

    Jan 15 12:24 am