Anytime I need a pick-me-up, I go read through my favorited Tweets on Twitter. I love you guys. Seriously.
TwoAdults: Saw a NYT article about men/women sexting immediately after sending my husband this: I wouldn’t mind a cheeseburger and some cake. Tonight.
AllisonB: There is not enough patience in this world to have to sit quietly and watch a three-year-old button up his five-button pajamas. “Watch me!”
dashoff: Those first two newborn weeks are a thing of nearly effortless glory, aren’t they? Then the Actual Baby shows up.
BackpackingDad: Why are kids so fast when they’re knocking full cups off the table, but so slow to put their fucking shoes on?
narmalie: Not correcting Adele’s pronunciation of “wicked snackmother.” Ever.
AndreAnnaRose: “I GOIN’ ‘MANDO, DADDY! DAT MEANS I HAVE NOFFING ON MAH WIENER!!” (This is what happens when you haven’t done laundry all week.)
playgroupie: I have a new job! I’m responsible for making the cock a doodle sounds for waking up A’s My Little ponies and Zoobles. The pay is terrible.
TristinaWright: So. Half my big toenail ripped off. The baby has already stepped on it 3 times. This morning is brought to you by the letters M and F.
foldinglaundry: I’m about to complete Day 1 of the Car to Baskin Robbins Milkshake Program. (c2brmp)
Sundry: On a scale of Practical Chic to Britney Spears Yelling for Cheetos While Taking a Dump, how would you rate wearing yoga pants on a flight?
AndreAnnaRose: Dear bat who flew too close to my head at 5 am this morning, I will eff your winged shit up. In theory. In reality, I think I peed a little.
MeganBoley: I never put batteries in B’s toys. I did this morning and now he is in baby Vegas.
woycheck: MTV clearly has a branding problem, but “Decline and Fall of Western Civilization Television” doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.
Sundry: “PSHEW PSHEW I NEED MILK PEW OW STOP IT MOMMM HE TOOK MY POW KABOOM WIPE MY BUTT!” — soundtrack for my How to Work from Home video.
LizScott: Just sternly rebuked s/daughter for laziness. Teenagers, right?! She is just going to WATCH commercials when the TiVO remote is RIGHT THERE
metalia: Passing a boat named “Cornucopia Majesty” has inspired my new game, “Boat, Toddlers & Tiaras Contestant, Whore, or My Little Pony.”
mindbling: Dear teenage girls in short shorts, Enjoy it now. I’ve seen your future. And it has a lotta capris.
melissity: patients think we don’t read their info sheets. for the question “are you pregnant?” an 81yo man answered “no, but we’re trying.”
TemerityJane: So crotchless panties are sexy, but my @PumpEase pumping bra with the nipple slits isn’t? I’ll never understand men.
samanthajcampen: Theo kissed my leg then quickly slapped his hands over his mouth and yelled: “Your leg STABBED me! Go in the shower and SHAVE!”
yankeedrawl: 4 yr old running around house sing-yelling “Cotton balls, cotton balls.” I’ll leave your imagination to guess what the adults keep hearing.
CranberryPerson: To get pumped for the week my wife and I have without kids, I’m watching old Vince Lombardi speeches and pretending they’re about doing it.
TemerityJane: One of the current great joys in my life: waiting for Phil to stub his toe and then helpfully suggesting he just breathe through the pain.
dashoff: I’m just saying, I wouldn’t necessarily MIND if the sea witch stole my daughter’s voice for a little while.
melissity: O: “My tummy doesn’t feel good.” Me: “Do you need to poop?” …3 min later… O: “Mommy, you earned a STAR STICKER for solving the problem.”
Sundry: Neighbor kid is over. If this is what it’s like to have three kids I know what I’m having for dinner tonight: a bucket of Ortho-Cyclen.
shelikespurple: “Babe, what’s this green binder?” “That’s our home organizational folder.” “……..it’s empty.” #babysteps
SarahLena: I literally just almost choked to death on a cashew alone in a conference room and thought I CAN’T DIE WITH THIS HAIRCUT.
hollyburns: Nothing will make you feel older than looking on Facebook for the kids you used to babysit. And then finding them. Drinking.
ismile4jc: Hate when I’m in my coffee zone and all “yep, maybe, sounds good” to the kids and Ash goes YAAAY and I have no idea what I just agreed to.
TristinaWright: Elmo still wants to know MORE about world domination! How can Elmo find out MORE?
samanthajcampen: Was eating brownie over sink, a chunk fell & seriously, you would have thought I was trying to save the Hope Diamond w/my flailing about.
torrie: The consequences of having a girly big sister- I found a sparkle on my son’s scrotum.
dashoff: Rewriting Katy Perry’s “Friday Night” song to include prepping diapers, watching Scrubs, and eating oatmeal.
shelikespurple: Kyle just sang our grocery list throughout Walmart. Unfortunately that made the lyrics: “Vitamins and beer! Vitamins and beer!”
notthatyouasked: Today at the zoo, Lucy was making tortoise noises. Unfortunately, the tortoise she was imitating was, uh, mounting another tortoise.
kirida: picture day today! which means he’ll wear the opposite of what I want and his hair will look like I combed his hair with a shoe.
notthatyouasked: “Haven’t seen my husband in a week” translates roughly to “wow, I have a lot of shaving to do.”
CranberryPerson: So, parents who model appropriate behavior for their kids, is that, like, in ADDITION TO or INSTEAD OF screaming at them to just be good?
SarahLena: As I hobble around tonight, wondering what Katniss would do if this happened to her, it’s evident that, YES, she would eat 4 sugar cookies.
Sundry: My husband made a clock out of two potatoes and some wire. BURN HIM HE’S A WITCH
mooshinindy: Asparagus pee is your body’s way of saying “You ate something healthy today, please help yourself to another mini Twix.”
TemerityJane: Penny is all kinds of fussy. Me: Do you want me to put her to sleep? Phil: Well, no, I think THAT’S a little drastic.
AndreAnnaRose: It is wrong to ask the hot guy at the coffee shop who can’t find a seat if he wants to sit on my lap. It is wrong to ask the hot guy at….
DonnaMcKee: Why are we not using raw jalapeno juice in chemical warfare?
JanePitt: Today my husband wore black shoes and white socks to church. I prayed for him.
narmalie: Shrieks come from the girls’ room; I investigate. “We’re playing bus, and Adele is the kid who didn’t pay attention and got RUN OVER.”
metalia: Phone just autocorrected “parent-teacher confs” to “parent-teacher congas,” which, HOW FUN WOULD THAT BE?
samanthajcampen: “Thanks for my cereal mom! You’re like a SERVANT!” Truer words have never been spoken. Fact.
TemerityJane: CVS Earplugs Saved my Marriage: The Temerity Jane Story.
ChristinaRTS: Everytime there is a crash somewhere in the house and I’m on the computer my head goes to “tonight at 11, child dies while mother tweets!”
LittleLeafAsh: Me: “Gabe, you’re so much more fun this year than you were last year. ” Mike: “Yeah, you totally sucked last year.”
alldressedup: Maddie: Mom, I wiped my heinie this morning. It was HORRIFYING.
asouers: OH at Mac Experience: “What’s the difference between WiFi and 3G?” Sir, you are not allowed to buy that iPad.
Sundry: I literally can’t talk to my kids for like an hour after I clean their toilet.
TwoAdults: Sometimes being an adult blows (see: bills, pinchy pants) and sometimes it is okay (see: giving someone the finger in the car, M&Ms in bed).
AndreAnnaRose: Um, how do you get silly putty off a couch? And please, skip the step about killing the kid that kid it. I’m on that part right now.
shelikespurple: “Mommy, hand me my juice, please.” “You can reach it, buds.” “But, I’m siiiiiiiiick.” Yep, I totally gave birth to my husband.
BackpackingDad: What do you mean “IEIEEEE” isn’t a word? Stupid wwf.
bearca: Suspicious: when you ask a 3 yo after a long silence in the other room what she’s doing and she says brightly, “I love you mommy!!”
TwoAdults: Eating a steak and watching “Top Gear.” I may also be growing a penis.
tooptumber: Watching a show about leopards with A. There’s a gazelle running from a leopard WHILE GIVING BIRTH. We humans are WIMPS.