About a bajillion years ago (okay fine: two years ago), I decided to start sharing some of the gems from my Twitter feed that I found worthy enough to mark as ‘favorites’. I planned to make it a regular post topic, and I did just that… for a while. Then my brain exploded and I started back to work with two kids and we got a lot of snow and I took a nap or something.
And here we are, 8 months later.
Let’s get back into this, shall we? Because they are so worth it. I was CRY-LAUGHING today reading some of these. Comedic genius, I tell you! Right there on Twitter! I love you people!
AndreAnnaRose: I feel much better now. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the 3498534908 mg of decongestant I took. Also: I can fly.
jonniker: Being married to Prince William would be a total bore. Can she let loose around him? Be goofy? Fart? DOUBTFUL. This is why I wasn’t chosen.
Sundry: Wow, this Target ‘long and lean’ tank top is SUPER flattering. I look like a snake trying to digest a Volkswagen.
AndreAnnaRose: Parenting: 40% trying to keep them alive, 40% enjoying the joy they bring, and 20% pretending to give a shit about the picture they drew.
rabidcat: Hmm. The nail polish I picked seems to be less Holiday Cheer and more How Much for a BJ.
bearca: Dear Rebecca, you can totally pass for cool and hip until you open your purse and a pull-up falls out. Love, Yourself.
samanthajcampen: Bryan got Theo undressed for his bath and said “Put your hands up.” so Theo busted out “Oh oh oh! All the single ladies!” I. LOVE. HIM. SO.
JanePitt: Gmail says “Hooray!” when I have no spam and “Woohoo!” when I’ve read my important msgs. Hope I someday see, “Inbox: 0. FUCKIN’ A!”
notthatyouasked: And now the best part of this recipe – the part where I add in four tablespoons of butter and watch it melt.
alimartell: So, it was SUPER fun in the car tonight when Josh said, in front of my parents…”Hey, what’s PORN? Oh well, I guess I’ll just google it.”
MommyonFire: So I’m thinking if I were to die tomorrow and a statue was erected in my honor, I would be holding a laundry basket and a screaming toddler.
mooshinindy: I see your farmville request and raise you a finger…
MrsCa: Gabbie: Look, Mom! My baby is eating my nipples! (I don’t think she quite understands nursing.)
agirlandaboy: “I want apple juice.” “No.” “Then I want daddy.” Way to work the system, kid.
TwoAdults: Based on the uneven rate at which she is growing out of clothes (legs = long, arms = kinda short), I fear my daughter may be part T. Rex.
CranberryPerson: Even on a strict calorie count, I can have wine if I eliminate coffee creamer, and if I only eat one saltine for dinner, I can have 9 beers.
dasbecca: What I should have said: “I really like new this powder-scented soap.” What I did say: “OH SWEET! MY HANDS SMELL LIKE BABY!”
allura: parentmath: baby bedtime at 6p = wakes up at 5a. bedtime at 7p = wakes up at 4:30a. bedtime at x = desired wake up at 6:30a. solve for x.
JanePitt: Kate Middleton doesn’t get to pick her own title, according to the P-G. Shame. I would’ve picked Most Supreme Highness of All Yinz Guys.
CranberryPerson: Trying to enter exercise into my weight loss website, but they don’t calculate sex in increments below sixty seconds. :/
hollyburns: Well, I think “holy titballs, this pizza is good” is a decent enough recommendation on Yelp for me to choose this pizza place near my hotel
notthatyouasked: Dear Spammers, You will never, ever, EVER entice me to open your porny attachments if your subject line is, “Chocolate is boring.”
melissity: My son drew a self-portrait, complete w/ heart & lungs–AND something between his legs, 3x the size of his head. *sigh* It starts so young.
redpenmama: Ad on my FB page: “40 and overweight?” Come closer, bitches.
Sundry: 3yo quickly draws on wall RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, turns and says, “Goddammit, wight Mom?” PLEASE SUGGEST APPROPRIATE PUNISHMENT.
Sundry: I swear, some days I want an MRI just so I can submit it to shitmykidsruined.com.
burghbaby: Alexis playing with 3 little girls on the bus to Magic Kingdom caused my husband’s balls to spontaneously snip themselves.
dashoff: Nothing like scolding your toddler and then turning around and tripping over a laundry basket to really assert who is the boss.
foldinglaundry: I am so tired of seeing people running when I’m driving down the road drinking a milkshake. Have people no respect?
BackpackingDad: I like to say “word” as though I’m a black kid from the 80′s. Or a white kid from the 90′s. Or a mom from the 2000′s.
foldinglaundry: I just asked a magic eight ball if my house would magically clean itself this weekend and it said “outlook good.” I am so excited.
Sundry: Tonight I could have used a bedtime story along the lines of “The Little Boy Who Never Listened And So He Was Eaten, Slowly, By a Bear.”
scarletfire: I want to give my house an estate name. But instead of Rolling Hills or Green Meadows, I’m going with House of the Barking Fuckers.
AndreAnnaRose: “Honey, do I look like a 30-year old mom in this?” “Babe, you are a 30-year-old mom.” And then I killed him and ate his liver.
TwoAdults: Long John Silvers is like the porn of fast food. Nobody wants to admit they’ve eaten it, but everyone’s tried it at least once.
metalia: Some days, I feel like, hey, I’ve got myself together! Then there are the days when I am actively ironing clothes already on my person.
MeganBoley: When I picture an AT&T cell tower, I see a burro dragging a broken satellite dish through the hillside.
OrdinarySarah: It’s Elastic-Waistband O’Clock! My favorite time of day.
Sundry: There should be a German word for when you’re pushing your kid on a swing right next to another parent. Awkverdsmalltalkenfratz.
ant_danielle: I think I just accidentally watched about 45 seconds of “Waterworld”. Should I call a priest?!?
CranberryPerson: REUNION TIP: wait until they are out of earshot before asking your wife if that is the one she’s glad got fat.
sarahviola: How dangerous would it be to follow three pink margaritas with peppermint Oreos? I’m totally asking for a friend.
insidedog: You know you’re a parent when you congratulate someone for taking a giant dump in a can 2 feet from where you’re eating a bowl of cereal.
AndreAnnaRose: After driving 18 hrs with no sleep w/ two kids in the car, now that were home, our parenting tactic is such: pleasedontcatchonfirezzzzzzzz
notthatyouasked: I have a headache. I took two fun-size Twix and a glass of milk instead of Advil because I am trying the holistic approach.
busybudgetingma: “is enjoying the heck out of the mini-break that is the post-carseat-buckling walk around to the drivers side.”-My friend Amanda on facebook