Twitter Updates

favortweets, round #21

About a bajillion years ago (okay fine: two years ago), I decided to start sharing some of the gems from my Twitter feed that I found worthy enough to mark as ‘favorites’. I planned to make it a regular post topic, and I did just that… for a while. Then my brain exploded and I started back to work with two kids and we got a lot of snow and I took a nap or something.

And here we are, 8 months later.

Let’s get back into this, shall we? Because they are so worth it. I was CRY-LAUGHING today reading some of these. Comedic genius, I tell you! Right there on Twitter! I love you people!

AndreAnnaRose: I feel much better now. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the 3498534908 mg of decongestant I took. Also: I can fly.

jonniker: Being married to Prince William would be a total bore. Can she let loose around him? Be goofy? Fart? DOUBTFUL. This is why I wasn’t chosen.

Sundry: Wow, this Target ‘long and lean’ tank top is SUPER flattering. I look like a snake trying to digest a Volkswagen.

AndreAnnaRose: Parenting: 40% trying to keep them alive, 40% enjoying the joy they bring, and 20% pretending to give a shit about the picture they drew.

rabidcat: Hmm. The nail polish I picked seems to be less Holiday Cheer and more How Much for a BJ.

bearca: Dear Rebecca, you can totally pass for cool and hip until you open your purse and a pull-up falls out. Love, Yourself.

samanthajcampen: Bryan got Theo undressed for his bath and said “Put your hands up.” so Theo busted out “Oh oh oh! All the single ladies!” I. LOVE. HIM. SO.

JanePitt: Gmail says “Hooray!” when I have no spam and “Woohoo!” when I’ve read my important msgs. Hope I someday see, “Inbox: 0. FUCKIN’ A!”

notthatyouasked: And now the best part of this recipe – the part where I add in four tablespoons of butter and watch it melt.

alimartell: So, it was SUPER fun in the car tonight when Josh said, in front of my parents…”Hey, what’s PORN? Oh well, I guess I’ll just google it.”

MommyonFire: So I’m thinking if I were to die tomorrow and a statue was erected in my honor, I would be holding a laundry basket and a screaming toddler.

mooshinindy: I see your farmville request and raise you a finger…

MrsCa: Gabbie: Look, Mom! My baby is eating my nipples! (I don’t think she quite understands nursing.)

agirlandaboy: “I want apple juice.” “No.” “Then I want daddy.” Way to work the system, kid.

TwoAdults: Based on the uneven rate at which she is growing out of clothes (legs = long, arms = kinda short), I fear my daughter may be part T. Rex.

CranberryPerson: Even on a strict calorie count, I can have wine if I eliminate coffee creamer, and if I only eat one saltine for dinner, I can have 9 beers.

dasbecca: What I should have said: “I really like new this powder-scented soap.” What I did say: “OH SWEET! MY HANDS SMELL LIKE BABY!”

allura: parentmath: baby bedtime at 6p = wakes up at 5a. bedtime at 7p = wakes up at 4:30a. bedtime at x = desired wake up at 6:30a. solve for x.

JanePitt: Kate Middleton doesn’t get to pick her own title, according to the P-G. Shame. I would’ve picked Most Supreme Highness of All Yinz Guys.

CranberryPerson: Trying to enter exercise into my weight loss website, but they don’t calculate sex in increments below sixty seconds. :/

hollyburns: Well, I think “holy titballs, this pizza is good” is a decent enough recommendation on Yelp for me to choose this pizza place near my hotel

notthatyouasked: Dear Spammers, You will never, ever, EVER entice me to open your porny attachments if your subject line is, “Chocolate is boring.”

melissity: My son drew a self-portrait, complete w/ heart & lungs–AND something between his legs, 3x the size of his head. *sigh* It starts so young.

redpenmama: Ad on my FB page: “40 and overweight?” Come closer, bitches.

Sundry: 3yo quickly draws on wall RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, turns and says, “Goddammit, wight Mom?” PLEASE SUGGEST APPROPRIATE PUNISHMENT.

Sundry: I swear, some days I want an MRI just so I can submit it to shitmykidsruined.com.

burghbaby: Alexis playing with 3 little girls on the bus to Magic Kingdom caused my husband’s balls to spontaneously snip themselves.

dashoff: Nothing like scolding your toddler and then turning around and tripping over a laundry basket to really assert who is the boss.

foldinglaundry: I am so tired of seeing people running when I’m driving down the road drinking a milkshake. Have people no respect?

BackpackingDad: I like to say “word” as though I’m a black kid from the 80′s. Or a white kid from the 90′s. Or a mom from the 2000′s.

foldinglaundry: I just asked a magic eight ball if my house would magically clean itself this weekend and it said “outlook good.” I am so excited.

Sundry: Tonight I could have used a bedtime story along the lines of “The Little Boy Who Never Listened And So He Was Eaten, Slowly, By a Bear.”

scarletfire: I want to give my house an estate name. But instead of Rolling Hills or Green Meadows, I’m going with House of the Barking Fuckers.

AndreAnnaRose: “Honey, do I look like a 30-year old mom in this?” “Babe, you are a 30-year-old mom.” And then I killed him and ate his liver.

TwoAdults: Long John Silvers is like the porn of fast food. Nobody wants to admit they’ve eaten it, but everyone’s tried it at least once.

metalia: Some days, I feel like, hey, I’ve got myself together! Then there are the days when I am actively ironing clothes already on my person.

MeganBoley: When I picture an AT&T cell tower, I see a burro dragging a broken satellite dish through the hillside.

OrdinarySarah: It’s Elastic-Waistband O’Clock! My favorite time of day.

Sundry: There should be a German word for when you’re pushing your kid on a swing right next to another parent. Awkverdsmalltalkenfratz.

ant_danielle: I think I just accidentally watched about 45 seconds of “Waterworld”. Should I call a priest?!?

CranberryPerson: REUNION TIP: wait until they are out of earshot before asking your wife if that is the one she’s glad got fat.

sarahviola: How dangerous would it be to follow three pink margaritas with peppermint Oreos? I’m totally asking for a friend.

insidedog: You know you’re a parent when you congratulate someone for taking a giant dump in a can 2 feet from where you’re eating a bowl of cereal.

AndreAnnaRose: After driving 18 hrs with no sleep w/ two kids in the car, now that were home, our parenting tactic is such: pleasedontcatchonfirezzzzzzzz

notthatyouasked: I have a headache. I took two fun-size Twix and a glass of milk instead of Advil because I am trying the holistic approach.

busybudgetingma: “is enjoying the heck out of the mini-break that is the post-carseat-buckling walk around to the drivers side.”-My friend Amanda on facebook

18 Comments

  1. Cari
    @mattieflap

    Oh Mah Gah. That last one is KILLING me.

    Jul 20 10:13 pm


  2. Rebecca (Bearca)

    Woot! I’m on the list! These are so funny. They never disappoint!! Totally giggling over here.

    Jul 20 10:36 pm


  3. That last one is like a Louis C.K. bit in “Chewed Up” where he claims that time is a parent’s vacation.

    Jul 20 10:40 pm


  4. ant danielle
    @ant_danielle

    Bwahaha! Those are awesome. And thanks for the mention, lady!!

    Jul 20 11:07 pm


  5. I’M SO HAPPY THEY’RE BACK!!!

    Jul 20 11:57 pm


  6. Jessie
    @MrsCa

    Aw, thanks for including me! That was one of my favorite Gabbie-isms to date, for sure. Glad you liked it too.

    Also, Linda’s tweet about Dylan drawing on the wall is one of my all time favorite tweets. I’m mostly impressed that her head didn’t explode, because mine totally would have.

    Jul 21 9:13 am


  7. K
    @twoadults

    Those are hilarious!

    And I’m not just saying that because my shout-out to the LJS was included.

    Jul 21 9:25 am


  8. sparkyd

    Yay for favortweets! I’m totally crying.

    Jul 21 9:43 am


  9. I have no idea how people are this clever. I wonder if they are that funny in real life? I honestly don’t know many people IRL who are so witty!

    Jul 21 1:41 pm


  10. keli
    @kelihoskins

    SO funny!!!

    Jul 21 2:15 pm


  11. red pen mama
    @redpenmamapgh

    I feel so honored! And now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go find more tweeps to follow for teh funny. What they say about “laughter” and “best medicine”? SO TRUE.

    Jul 21 2:30 pm


  12. I love these.

    Jul 22 8:37 am


  13. Sunshine
    @littlemisssun

    Love these. You almost make me miss Twitter.

    Jul 22 10:44 am


  14. Hilarious! I can’t tell you how many times I laughed out loud! Thanks for including me among your favorites – this is a great idea!!!!

    Jul 22 9:53 pm