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I think it’s pretty obvious now which side of the fence I’m on.

(This post includes some TMI kinda stuff. Some people might think it’s weird to share this stuff on the Internet, but whatever. It’s Life. I’m totally comfortable with sharing it. But boys- or MY DAD- if you’re freaked out when girls talk about Girl Things, feel free to skip this one. Or you know- grow a pair and read on! ha)

We have two kids, and the second was only recently added to the collection. So of course, we are asked a lot these days if we’re done having kids or if we’re going to ‘try for a third’ (or ‘try for a boy’. PEOPLE. DON’T ASK GENDER-SPECIFIC BABY QUESTIONS LIKE THAT. It’s annoying.) The answer I give lately is a very obnoxious and sleep-deprivation-induced HELLLLL NO, We are not trying for a third. Come here while I karate chop your face for suggesting it.

But honestly, the official answer is: We just don’t know yet. We’re keeping our options open. (Though I’m leaning pretttttty far over to the ‘We’re Done’ side. Dan is constantly trying to pull me back over. I wish him luck. ha)

So. That being said.

I was four days late with my period this week.

(Spoiler alert: I’M NOT PREGNANT!)

I was due to start on Monday. I am LIKE A CLOCK. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been more than a day or two late with my period in my life. Two of those times? KNOCKED UP. The other times? Blind panic and general freaking out. And peeing on many, many sticks.

Tuesday came and went, no sign of anything happening. I wasn’t concerned yet because really, my body is just starting to get back to ‘normal’ with this stuff, having had a baby in September and breastfeeding until last month. So I didn’t think much of it at all.

Wednesday came. Still nothing. I ate lunch and dinner and felt nauseous after both of them. A little heartburn-y. Huh. Weird. Last time I had heartburn like this I was preg-

HOLY CRAP ON A STICK.

Cut to me, frantically looking at my calendar, trying to remember what day it was that Dan and I actually were coherent enough after the girls were settled in bed to even notice that the other one was in the house, let alone… well, YOU KNOW, winkwinknudgenudge. I counted backwards to my last period to see if it was anywhere close to being the right timing for any surprise baby making and…

HOLY CRAP ON A STICK.

Here is where any woman who has ever been a few days late with her period will start nodding her head. Did you know that if you Google ‘pregnancy symptoms’, they are all EXACTLY THE SAME as PMS? The only difference between them is a positive pregnancy test. (And yes, even when you’ve been pregnant twice, you still may feel the need to consult Google for a list of symptoms. Hey, you NEVER KNOW. Maybe scientists discovered a Magic Symptom since the last time!) There is really no way to know for sure and it’s pretty much worthless to sit there and panic about the possibility of being pregnant until you actually pee on a damn test.

But of course that’s exactly what I did for two entire days.

Now please understand, if I WERE to get pregnant right now, we obviously would be happy (eventually… after I stopped sobbing about getting fat again) and love the baby and it would all work out. It would BE FINE. But try telling that to a woman who hasn’t been getting much sleep lately because her six month old baby likes to wake up a gazillion times a night. And try telling that to a woman who JUST LAST WEEK finally started wearing pants with a zipper and a button again. And try telling that a woman who ISN’T hormonal with PMS/possible pregnancy symptoms.

And of course, then I felt GUILTY for being so insanely panicked and scared. We are so blessed with Extreme Fertility already, who was I to be upset about an unplanned baby? So many people have difficulties! We should be happy! Except: Six Month Old Baby Who Doesn’t Sleep and Has Reflux. No More Babies, Please. (At Least For A While.)

I tried to be patient. I went about my days as usual. I sent a couple of frantic direct messages to a friend on Twitter in the hopes that it would make my period start (because that’s rational, right?) The whole time, in the back of my head, my brain was going at light speed, picking out minivans for our THREE CHILDREN and reconfiguring our bedroom arrangement and trying not to think about how TIIIIIIRRRRED I was going to be for the next 3 years.

And thinking about how I was going to kick Dan in the testicles REALLY REALLY HARD for making all those jokes about “Everybody needs an ‘OOPS!’ baby!”

I also wallowed in the irony of the new pack of birth control pills I was scheduled to start taking the Sunday after my next period. BWAHAHAHAHAHAH oh Alanis would LOVE THAT ONE FOR HER LITTLE SONG.

This morning, there was still nothing happening. After my shower, I held my last pregnancy test in my trembling hand, peed on it (the stick, not my hand! I Got Skillz.), waited the instructed three minutes and…

Negative.

HUUUUUUUGE SIGH OF RELIEF. Told Dan (who was just getting out of bed and had NO IDEA that ANY OF THIS was happening, because I like my mental breakdowns kept to myself where I can enjoy them more fully, thankyouverymuch) that he narrowly missed being bludgeoned to death by a pregnancy test.

Two hours later? My period started.

18 Comments

  1. Burgh Baby

    It’s funny how all it takes to figure out for sure how you feel about getting pregnant is to be a few days late. It’s either OMG! NOOOOOO! or OMG! COULD IT BE? Glad it worked out the way you wanted for now!

    Mar 18 7:27 pm


    • Jen
      @jayesel

      ha yeah. CRYSTAL FREAKING CLEAR ;) (Even Dan said “Now is NOT the time!” So at least we agree on that one. ha)

      Mar 18 7:31 pm


  2. Elizabeth
    @ElizabethMelle

    Oh man. Well, *high five* not this time :)

    Ever since my miscarriage, I have been 5 days late EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I don’t know if it’s related, or if my cycle has like reset itself or something, but for this girl who has been like clockwork since 1995, it’s been terrifying. Hello, Cycle! Get with the program!

    Mar 18 7:40 pm


  3. It’s a tried and true fact in my house….pee on the last stick and your period will start within an hour. You just didn’t use them up fast enough.

    Mar 18 7:44 pm


  4. red pen mama
    @redpenmamapgh

    Oh, dear. Poor you. As blessed as i know we are, i want nothing to do with another pregnancy. I would go to bed until it was over. My mother would have to move in with us.

    I’m glad you still have time to change your mind. ;)

    Kate was our ‘ooops’ baby, and we still shot for Nixhae

    Mar 18 7:50 pm


  5. red pen mama
    @redpenmamapgh

    So i bumped publish before i was done,and now it looks like i named M something Sumarian. Geez.

    Mar 18 7:53 pm


  6. @RPM
    I thought you were breaking into Pig Latin or something…

    Mar 18 7:58 pm


  7. sparkyd

    Yup, I agree that the best way to find out if your ready for another baby is to have one of these episodes. I’ve always had 3 in the back of my mind but after number 2 I really started to question that idea because I found the 2nd pregnancy really hard and as much as I love babies I don’t deal well with sleep deprivation so that whole newborn phase is not my favourite. Early on after #2 my husband kept saying he wanted 3 but then after I started getting some sleep and wrapped my mind around the idea I said, “OK, let’s do it. Now. If we’re doing it, I want to it now and suffer for a bit through all the hard parts so we can move on instead of jumping down the rabbit hole again right after we’ve gotten out”. I’m guessing you know what I mean by that. Anyway, once I said that he changed his mind and said he was only kidding about wanting 3! Many months have passed and we’re still on the fence about making that final decision, but it will be made soon. I’m very happy with where we’re at right now so I’m leaning towards leaving well enough alone. ;)

    Mar 18 8:47 pm


  8. Yeah, I had the “oops” baby and it wasn’t so fun. ;) I’ve had a few episodes similar to this and I don’t want to experience that again.

    This is one of the reasons I chart my cycles – because it’s always that one stupid late cycle that causes so much worry and stress.

    Mar 18 9:04 pm


  9. Mel
    @overdramaticmel

    I think that’s the surefire way to get your period when you’re late by a couple of days — pee on a stick. That’s happened to me and my husband a few times! (And I just saw that other people have said this same thing! :) At least I’m not alone!)

    Mar 18 9:35 pm


  10. Melissa
    @sempremelissa

    *WHEW* :)

    I was nodding the whole way through this post–I was 3 days late this week myself!! I have always been like clockwork, but since I had #2, “Aunt Faithful” has been a little wonky. It’s bad enough that my cycle shortened again (24 days = EFF), but in addition to that, now about every 3-4 months I get a cycle where I’m late by 2-4 days (I religiously chart because no BC pills here, just good old Mr. Trojan). The late cycle usually coincides with a time when the kids have been super difficult and I decide I’m DONE. Coincidence? (Did I just hear Mother Nature snort laughing?)

    The husband and I are still leaning towards opposite sides, too. He thinks it would be great to just have #3 now, then I’ll get an IUD (notice who has to do all the work in this scenario??). But every time I’ve been late, I’ve been SO RELIEVED when I started… so I guess I’m still on the NO side! lol

    Mar 18 11:09 pm


    • Cari
      @mattieflap

      May I suggest B6 for the cycle issue? This has happened to me. Both just before we tried for #2 and after #2 came and my body got back into the swing of cycling. It was annoying as all get out and it messed with my moods too.

      100 mg of B6 once a day did the trick. I’m back to 28 days on the nose as long as I remember to take my B6 every single day (thank god for cell phone alarms!) :)

      Mar 19 7:25 am


      • Melissa
        @sempremelissa

        Ooh, thanks for the advice, I’ll have to get some B6 at the store today!!

        Mar 19 2:45 pm


        • Sunshine
          @littlemisssun

          My cycle went crazy after #2 also. 28 days, 30 days, 24 days, 35 days. Insanity. It’s better now (and it’s been FOUR years) but I think I’ll try the B6 also.

          Mar 21 9:33 am


  11. This made me laugh really hard. Only because I’m in the same boat. I have “pregnancy” symptoms every month– get this– even round ligament pain– right before my period. And every month I know I’m not ready to have another one b/c I’m so relieved when I know for sure and for certain that I’m not.

    Being a mom of two is HARDwork. Do people tell you three is easy once you have two? I hear that a lot and frankly, I’m just not convinced.

    Thanks for making me laugh. :-)

    Mar 18 11:26 pm


  12. Andrea
    @ajh_rigs

    Oh good Lord. *whew!* :)

    B and S are 16 months apart, and believe me, that is close enough!!!!! :) Even though I’m on pills, I am irregular as they come. I totally skipped my period last month (took three pg tests, all neg.) It came this month. My body always has been f**ked up! Between that an taking pregnancy tests all the time while we were trying for B, I don’t get worked up over that stuff anymore. :)

    Although I’d like more, if that happened to me, I’m with ya- I’d cry for the first month. There is no place to put another human being in this condo! :)

    “bludgeoned to death by a pregnancy test.” I totally imagined that in my head! A fitting death for the crime. Love it!!! :)

    Mar 18 11:52 pm


  13. Girl I have so been there lol. Only I panicked in the unmarried, I’m too young way lol. Well, that was when I was in my *sob* early twenties.

    You always make me giggle with your posts ;)

    Mar 19 9:32 pm


  14. maddy

    Love your posts….I feel its me thinking aloud………

    Mar 21 11:06 am