favortweets, round #20

It’s been way too long, man. Way too long.

aPSUmama (blog) Sliced my finger on my Wells Fargo application. Blood all over it. Irony. 11 Aug

CranberryPerson I wonder if the statistics about kids having sex at a younger age are related to car seat laws keeping them in the backseat for so long. 12 Aug

luvstheburgh (blog) Not sure why it took me this long, but I just realized that parenting and the textbook definition of insanity have much in common. 17 Aug

feuxdeforet (blog) If I had cleavage, that raisinet would be stuck in it right now. 17 Aug

SamAbernethy (blog) I just had a delicious fruit smoothie for lunch. Just kidding! It was a strawberry milkshake. 19 Aug

babyrabies (blog) If the unthinkable were to ever happen and we were to get a divorce, the reason listed would be “Home Depot, Lowes and Ikea.” 22 Aug

metalia (blog) I applaud your bedtime postponement initiative, kid, but “my teeth aren’t sleepy yet” sounds like something Paula Abdul would say. 23 Aug

CranberryPerson You can be plenty intimate after you have kids, you just have to squeeze it in the 12 minutes between their bedtime and yours. 26 Aug

BackpackingDad (blog) Sweet! I just leveled up to Major Annoyance on Twitter. Now I can cast +7 rickrolls and have a 20% resistance to shame. 27 Aug

melissity (blog) It all starts with Pregnancy Craving runs for milkshakes, and 4 years later it ends up with Kids Drove Me Crazy Today runs for wine. 31 Aug

Sundry (blog) First thing in the morning: “That’s IT, I’m going to eat healthy from now on!” 2 PM: “HRRNNGHH. COOOOOKIE.” Every. Single. Day. 6 Sep

pocklock (blog) PSA: one day you *will* hear yourself saying, “Well you can just sit there until you eat your vegetables.” and you won’t believe your ears. 7 Sep

SarahLena (blog) So far today, both my car & wireless router have just surrendered and died. PLEASE LET THE CAT BE NEXT. 9 Sep

mandajuice (blog) I know what this IKEA bunk bed project needs! ANOTHER DRINK. 11 Sep

scarletfire (blog) My email auto-corrected problem as horrible. Lord knows how many emails I send out all, “Hello! Unicorn purple cheese ball nanny ching bee” 15 Sep

torrie (blog) You know, you’d think at some point the man with the yellow hat would learn not to leave George alone. 16 Sep

samanthajcampen (blog) Theo has taken to calling me Old Girl such as “C’mon old girl, you can do it.” I feel like I’ll be put out to pasture and turned into glue. 18 Sep

melissity (blog) When women spend time together, their cycles align. Maybe the same with men? The 3 in my house are ALL on their Imaginary Man Periods today. 21 Sep

Sundry (blog) Play-Doh: Will Buy You Some Time, But Let’s Be Honest, It’s Probably Not Worth It. 22 Sep

babyrabies (blog) Got a spam email titled “NAP” Finally, they’re catching on to what really makes me tick. Not porn, not lottery winnings, NAPS. 22 Sep

aliciamelban (blog) Sending important documents to school in Sawyer’s backpack is like sending by carrier pigeon. Not really reliable & it might get poop on it. 23 Sep

onedamnthing (blog) Nothing wakes up this baby faster than putting him down for a nap. 24 Sep

pseudostoops (blog) Embarking on week 3 without Internet at home. Need to pay bills. Badly. John suggested something about checks? And stamps? Am confused. 26 Sep

ModernMatriarch (blog) I can only hope that our children will look back on this emo-hair-in-face thing with the same abhorrence as say, Electric Youth. 27 Sep

mindbling (blog) Dear Mavbling, it is hard for me to convince everyone you’re a super genius baby when you are trying to nurse off my chin. 30 Sep

shireman (blog) Picking up a water filter for my fridge and going home to work. Pretty sure this is exactly how Ice Cube starts his Tuesdays. 5 Oct

SarahLena (blog) Pssh. I am NOT watching Macbeth on PBS. I’m watching.. Real Housewives.. of.. Denmark. 6 Oct

CranberryPerson I hate when I realize my belt doesn’t match my shoes, and my tie doesn’t match the globs of guacamole I spilled on it. 8 Oct

Sarcomical (blog) boys, the apt reaction to “i don’t feel cute enough to go to out” is “whatever, of COURSE you’re cute enough.” NOT “okay, let’s stay here.” 9 Oct

pseudostoops (blog) Diff. b/w boys & girls: I love football, but when the game’s over I go to bed. John stays up to watch highlights of the game we just saw. 10 Oct

Sundry (blog) I say, “I’m not kidding. You need to stop that right now.” 5yo hears: “Go ahead and try me: do it one more time.” 11 Oct

mindbling (blog) Eating healthy is great, as long as you add enough melted cheese. 14 Oct

epayer (blog) A sign you are getting old: Your halloween costume selection depends on whether or not it can incorporate a sweater or jacket. 17 Oct

OurLittleAshley (blog) Normal person: “Hey. I have a tiny baby & we’re all sick. Cereal for dinner!” Crazy person (me): “I like food. Stupidly involved dinner!” 19 Oct

ModernMatriarch (blog) There are days that I barely eat or think about food. And then there are days I have to prevent myself from eating the couch. 28 Oct

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