this time
So this breastfeeding thing. It’s kind of hard, amirite?
The thing is, it’s working. Working lightyears better than it was when Maggie was a baby and we struggled and fought for 6 long weeks to get her to learn how to latch on properly and hoping that my battered, anemic, dehydrated body would finally start producing the right amount of milk (spoiler alert: it never did.)
This time, the milk is flowing just fine. The flow might be not as PLENTIFUL as a certain little pig-child would like (slow let-down), but it’s there. I have finally felt all the sensations that come with breastfeeding- those sensations that were a mystery to me last time, making me realize that things weren’t working quite right and my body wasn’t doing it’s thing. This time, it’s not a problem. My supply is good.
But this time? I’m exhausted. This baby- sweet, beautiful Audrey- is an eating machine. Last week when she started eating hourly, around the clock, we chalked it up to that textbook 3-week growth spurt. Just hang in there!, the websites and books say. It will only last a few days!
BULLSHIT.
It’s been 10 days. Ten days of not sleeping more than 2 hours at a time, and even that was a miracle. Most times it’s 90 minutes or less. (Alright, I’ll admit: one time she went THREE! GLORIOUS! HOURS! but that was only because I topped her off with an ounce of formula after I nursed for the THIRD TIME IN AN HOUR AND A HALF and Momma was tired and wanted her to just go to sleep already. It worked, but I got a lot of tears on her little head while she drank from that bottle.)
She eats like that during the day most of the time too. I could deal with that, no problem, if it meant that the insane clusterfeeding in the evenings led to, I don’t know, SOMETHING longer than 90 minutes at night.
Her schedule yesterday/last night. Welcome to my insanity. Oh- and add a 3 year old into this too- makes it extra fun!
Woke & ate at 7, then ate at 9, 10, 11, 12, 1, 2, 4 (WOOHOO! TWO HOURS!), 5:15 (Dan gave her the precious few ounces of pumped breastmilk in the fridge while I was off getting my haircut. I KNOW! THE EXTRAVAGANCE!), 6:30 (Mom’s home! I need to eat again!), 7:30, 9, 11pm, 12:30am (this was an HOUR LONG SESSION, oh yes! and neither of us fell back to sleep until well after 2am), 3:30am, 5:30am, 7am.
(Some of those times might be a little off, what with all of the NOT SLEEPING AND HAVING VERY LITTLE BRAIN POWER LEFT, but it’s roughly correct.)
Because of this ridiculous schedule she’s been on for the past week and a half, pumping has become nearly impossible. And naps? BWAHAHAHA! I’ve been able to sneak pumping in a few times- if she nurses on only one side and is satisfied with that, I’m able to pump a glorious ounce or two from the other side. But without much time in between feedings, pumping is limited and therefore, so are my breaks. Dan doesn’t have boobs with milk in them, you know. DID YOU KNOW DADS DON’T LACTATE? WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? WHO CAME UP WITH THIS SYSTEM?!!? So as much as he’d love to help out, he can’t. And that sucks for everybody, frankly.
I’ve determined that the latest challenge is that she’s a lazy nurser. Falling asleep at the wheel bewb. Which would be totally fine if she was efficient and got what she needed in 5-10 minutes. But it usually takes her about 20-30 minutes of good, strong eating before she’s had enough and will stay sleeping or quiet for a while. And yes, I’ve made sure it’s not just comfort sucking she’s looking for. She will take a pacifier no problem if that’s all she wants- but if she’s hungry? SHE WILL CUT YOU WITH THAT PACIFIER. (No joke- last night, she literally ripped it out of her mouth and started beating Dan with it. I was kind of proud.)
I’ve done all the things you’re supposed to do with a lazy nurser- stripped her down, tickled her feet and her spine, switched sides a few times, changed her diaper in the middle, etc etc. And it works for the most part. But it’s tiring at 2am when I’m starting to doze off in the glider and then I’m all WHOOPS! TIME TO TICKLE THE TOES!
So yeah. Lots going on. The good news is that when she finally latches on and eats well, things are fine. I have very little pain anymore (except for when she first starts eating and my nipples are all WTF, MAN? DIDN’T WE JUST DO THIS LIKE FIVE MINUTES AGO?) and I’ve even found some enjoyment in snuggling with her when she’s peacefully snacking away, even through the haze of pure delirium on my part. And she’s obviously gaining weight- I’ll find out later today just how much at her 4-week checkup. But she’s starting to get some leg and arm rolls and a few of the teeny newborn onesies are getting awful snug on her little body.
The other wrinkle this time? Maggie. My heart broke yesterday after Maggie dissolved into tears after repeatedly being told, ‘In a minute, sweetheart! I have to feed your sister!’ She actually said to me at one point when Audrey woke from a TEN MINUTE NAP to scream for the bewb, ‘Is she hungry AGAIN, Mom???’ And there was such disdain and… disgust in her voice. She was annoyed, clearly. All she wanted to do was have a snack. Or for me to play a game with her. Or to go outside.
It sucks having to choose between your kids: taking care of one of them while you disappoint the other one.
We eventually made it outside- two failed attempts at keeping Audrey’s belly full, but we made it! And while Audrey napped in the sling on my chest, Maggie and I played on the slide at the playground and giggled and laughed like we used to, when it was just us.
It was nice. And a little bit sad for me. I love Audrey, I do. I mean- DUH. But it’s tough knowing that it won’t ever be just be and Maggie again. And I want her to love her sister and not see her as some huge interruption in her life with us. Because to her, that’s really what she is right now. I know that will change and in a few years they’ll be playing and fighting and ganging up on Dan and me… but for now, it’s just really really hard.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this, I just needed to get it out. I don’t really need advice, honestly. I’ve received enormous amounts of encouragement and advice on Twitter yesterday when I was melting down a bit- THANK YOU ALL. I know it will get easier, and this will pass, and it will all be a memory soon. And I know what I need to do in the meantime- all the tricks and tips have been helpful. I just need to power through.
I know last time was hard, breastfeeding Maggie. I was so new at all the Mom Stuff anyway, and adding breastfeeding to that- FAILED breastfeeding, no less- made it infinitely more difficult.
But this time? It’s pretty freaking hard, too.
More posts like this:
- I don’t even know what to title this entry May 2, 2007
- in which I pat myself on the back. just a little bit. November 2, 2010
- on breastfeeding and not breastfeeding January 20, 2011
- I can sound like a cow, I can go MOO MOO November 18, 2010
- a lump in the throat. or on her neck, actually. May 4, 2012
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I think you have articulated here what so many moms feel after having a second or subsequent baby. I know exactly what you mean about it not ever being just you and Maggie again. I had that same sentiment and struggle when I had Chuckie.
You are doing so well and totally stronger than I ever could be. I have to be honest, I probably would have given up on breastfeeding by now because I am just not as strong as you. I hate to say that but it’s the truth.
If you ever want to get Maggie out of the house and want a fellow mom there with you to maybe distract her a bit, I know a little boy that would love to play with her. ;)
:hugs:
Oh God do I remember what that was like. I know you said you don’t want advice, but just hear me out on this. Do NOT beat yourself up for subbing in a little formula. You are exhausted, woman! Sleep deprivation is used as torture in some countries! So just remember to cut yourself some slack and take care of you too. A little formula every now and then is not going to hurt her.
{{hugs}}
You are doing great! And I am so glad to see you are enjoying the snuggling sometimes.
So I have a theory about the never-ending cluster feeding. Do with it what you will (including tossing it right out the window — nursing mom’s prerogative!). Since babies cluster-feed before a growth spurt so that your supply ramps up when the growth spurt arrives, I think she may be just getting it all going at once. (Maybe she will be an expert planner when she grows up!) So much so that once the two of you through this rough patch, she will be much more efficient at nursing and you’ll have enough supply to pump too. Her belly will also gradually get bigger and she will stay satisfied longer. Eleanor didn’t start out as small as Audrey but I know things got better as her belly’s capacity grew.
I know you don’t want to hear “it will get better” but I honestly think it will.
Twitter: jayesel
- October 15th, 2010 at 11:25 am |
I’m hoping you’re right! The ped even seemed surprised/impressed by the eating schedule, heh. She said maybe Audrey will be one of those babies who BOOM! sleeps through the night all at once. I know it will get better, just taking it a day at a time for now :)
Twitter: redpenmamapgh
You are doing great. I don’t think you should beat yourself up too much supplementing with formula at this point. I did it with Kate, and we still primarily nursed for upwards of 10 months. You need rest.
That was suspiciously close to advice. Sorry.
Hang in there! I’ll say it again: You are doing great. Your love and dedication to both your girls is so evident. And — as I am sure you have heard — it *does* get easier. Sending *hugs* and good thoughts your way.
Twitter: jayesel
- October 15th, 2010 at 11:28 am |
No longer beating myself up over the occasional bottle- last night it was necessary to save my boobs and my sanity! (three straight hours of feeding from 7-10pm!!) It doesn’t seem to be effecting my supply (which is really my only concern) so when I need a break but don’t have anything pumped? she’s getting some, man :)
Hang in there. I know EXACTLY what your going through. I think all moms feel this at some point. Isabella was a ferocious eater as a newborn, and still not sleeping throughout the night. Sadcakes.
I am finding it really hard right now having bigger kids, Tweens and teens, and feel stuck because I can’t do all the stuff with them that I could a year ago. I don’t get to play as much,unless I get bella babysat, and it sucks.
I’m sorry. It WILL get better. It will be different, but you will love it one year from now.
Twitter: twoadults
For so many of the reasons you articulated but mainly because it cuts my heart more than once a day to tend to one and seemingly disappoint another–I think we are done having kidlets. I *often* think what the fresh hell were we thinking in trying to have more; pretty sweet gig we had before. And then the crushing guilt ensues. Lather rinse repeat.
If (so mighty that “if”) we do have more, I am skipping nursing all together. I will be too old for that every two hours nonsense–growth spurts aside–and T will need to step in with the nightly help. It is not fun to cry in the nighttime.
Twitter: jayesel
- October 15th, 2010 at 11:31 am |
ha Dan is already trying to bring up having a third (brave man) and he jokingly (or maybe not!) said “You can formula feed the next one!!!” It still only gave me a moments pause though- it’s not the ONLY reason I have for not really wanting a 3rd ;)
But yeah- no fun crying alone in the dark on your baby’s head.
I can’t say this enough, but GREAT JOB with the bfing!
No advice, just wanted to let you know I felt the SAME exact guilt with B…. My feelings got better when we were able to do things together throughout the day- all three of us. But every once in a while there’s still that twinge- for both kids. For B for what it used to be, for Spenc b/c he NEVER gets a ton of Mommy & Me time.
Also, fyi- it’ll only be a few months, not years, before they start playing together and ganging up on you…. You’ve been warned.
Twitter: melissity
Add in a non-English-speaking overbearing mother-in-law for the first 10 weeks of kid #2′s life and HEY! That sounds familiar! lol ;)
I know what it’s like to want BFing to work with all your heart, and I know how hard it is to feel like you are letting down your first baby while you try to do the best you can for the second. I am in awe of women who make it happen but I also 100% understand that sometimes it doesn’t get better and compromises must be made. So in case you need more cheerleading ;), I think you are awesome and SO STRONG for making it through these first (most difficult) four weeks. Maggie and Audrey won’t remember these days, nor will they hold any grudge against you. Even though there are moments when you just can’t make one or both of them happy, they know you love them, and that’s all that matters. Someday if/when they have their own kids, they will truly respect you for all of this.
Personally, I’ve decided the guys can keep their Push Presents. They need to start giving I Gave Up My Boobs And My Sanity To Nourish Our Child(ren) Presents! Maybe WEEKLY! :)
What’s a Push Present? (Just kidding, I know, but I’m pretty sure my husband doesn’t….) :) I second the I Gave Up My Boobs And My Sanity To Nourish Our Children WEEKLY Presents! Maybe some new camera accessories to take pictures of the said children??? :)
Everyone with more than one child can relate to you… so know that you are not alone!
I know you said no advice BUT… we supplemented 1 bottle of formula a day pretty much from the beginning. It didn’t hurt either of us. I got a chance to sleep or pump (whatever I needed the most that day), daddy got a chance to bond, baby still got the benefit of breastfeeding, baby got used to formula and a bottle, and my first child didn’t smother the baby in his sleep out of jealousy and lack of attention. Total win/ win. This just made all of our lives easier and when you have two kids that is all that you need!!!
Take care of yourself and you will find a balance that is perfect for you family!
Twitter: mattieflap
Here’s what I know from my experience:
1) Yes it will get better
and
2) it sucks before it’s better.
I spent a lot of time consoling myself with the fact that this was one of the reasons we had a second child – beyond just wanting another child in our family we felt it was super important for our older kid to learn that he is NOT the center of the world. Nothing teaches that better than having to share Mom and Dad with a sibling. The adjustment was not easy and my elder was 4 when my younger was born. I can’t imagine if I’d had The Terrifically Terrible Threes mixed in to boot.
The first 6 months were the hardest. It did get easier after that in terms of how the kids related to each other and how much time and effort on my part was required to care for the younger one. Things evened out a bit after that. I know that seems like an eternity right now – it certainly seemed that way to me in the midst of it – but just try to take it one day at a time.
Last, if you need any help during the day, I would be happy to help in any way I can. I don’t work and I live in the North Hills. If there is anything you need – even just 20 minutes with someone else watching the kids so you can shower, I am happy to do what I can.
Twitter: onedamnthing
Now I have a Bryan Adams song in my head. ;-)
I feel we have very similar nursing experiences. I was going to leave a super long comment, but instead I think I’m going to blog about it.
Hang in there, Lady. Remember that Mama’s sanity is just as important as the baby’s eating, so don’t beat yourself up too much about supplementing.
You are definitely not alone in this. It is harder than we can imagine it being, and those first 6-8 weeks are the hardest for me too. But it does get better and becomes better than you can imagine! Your girls love you and they love each other. It does get better, I promise. Hugs and prayers for you.
I think that is the biggest misconception about breastfeeding: that it is easy. It is SO not easy. I’m at 11 months with my second baby (and am pregnant again. Yikes!). I think it is so worth it though and just want to say that it is hard and you’re doing a great job.
My only advice is to make sure you feed her from both sides at each feeding. My routine would be to feed baby from one side, change her diaper and get her nice and awake and then feed the other side. Yes, the first 6 to 8 weeks of breastfeeding are exhausting to say the least – it does get better!
Hugs – it is so hard! I remember reading Lily a lot of books from my glider and watching a lot of TV in those early weeks.
All I can say is set small goals – nurse for two more week and then reevaluate. You can make it!
Twitter: jayesel
- October 15th, 2010 at 11:33 am |
That’s exactly what I’m doing! My first goal is 6 weeks. I have a feeling things will be much different by then :)
Hang in there!!!
Twitter: loveisblonde
You are a rockstar bf-ing mama. I agree with this sentence from Melissa: “Maggie and Audrey won’t remember these days, nor will they hold any grudge against you.”
I barely remember anything from age 3 or 4 even. And really nothing before. So even if there are bad days or moments, Maggie is a resilient little kid and she will be okay. So take care of yourself and be gentle on yourself. You are doing your best!
It’s so hard in the best of circumstances. Support is essential; I’m glad you have lots of it. It will get easier and these days will be a distant memory. You know all of this.
Andrew was an efficient eater (5-10 minutes) which ruined us in the end. It’s funny because I am envious of your baby who is willing to stay at the breast for 30 minutes. Just remember – grass is ALWAYS greener. Look for the little silver linings every day. I’m sure you are. :) *hugs*
Twitter: S_cerevisiae
As everyone else here has mentioned, I know that feeling as well. Lexi was also a poor nurser, she was slightly tongue-tied and she has a very poor sucking reflex. So I could get the nipple in there properly, but she just wouldn’t suck. Nursing was a misery for the first 6 weeks. It is impossible to stay awake to stimulate the kid to nurse more effectively when you’ve been awake all day & all night nursing every hour. I remember that misery. But it will get better – and it will get better very soon.
When Lexi was a newborn, Kieran was pretty good though; he loved to help me with stuff. He’d fetch me a water bottle while I was nursing (if I could remember to fill it up and put it in the fridge), he refused to let me change a diaper if he couldn’t be right there to give me the clean one, he wanted to help Lexi fall asleep and he was eager for her to learn how to play with him :) He wanted to be involved with everything, so that helped.
Even so, I became an expert at walking around the house while nursing – something I NEVER thought I’d be able to do when I was nursing Kieran. But with Lexi, I had to, because Kieran needed me elsewhere. I would get up to get him a snack or to help him get dressed, all while nursing. I even answered the door once – I was all covered up, but I think the mail carrier was a bit taken aback!
Anyway, I know this sucks. But you’re doing an awesome job & it WILL get better!
Twitter: #!/celica18l
You are doing great.
Have you thought about sleep nursing? Putting her in bed with you and you going back to sleep and her nursing? I did this and it made the biggest effing difference in my sleep patterns. I was getting 5-6 hours of sleep instead of 1-2 at a time.
It’s a form of co-sleeping. I used to start Lucas out in his crib/bassinet/playard then when he woke for the first feeding I’d feed him then put him back into the crib/bassinet/playard and then the second feeding I’d bring him to bed with me and he’d nurse I’d sleep and usually that kept him happy as a clam. I think he just needed to be next to the boob and when he opened his eyes if it was there he was nice and calm lol.
I feel for you. Most mom’s have been where you are and the key motto is “This too shall pass…” (I always wanted to smack folks who said it but it’s true). You are doing a fantastic job keep it up after 6 weeks it usually gets a lot easier.
I know you didn’t want advice, so you can just ignore the following if you really don’t want to hear anymore! :))
I second the sleep/breastfeeding. I did it with mine, even added a rail next the bed so she could sleep next to me and not between hubby and I. HUGE difference. I would be so tired I would doze off and find her sometimes sleeping/nursing or just sleeping next to me. I sometimes put her in her bed, sometimes just went back to sleep. SOOOO much better than getting out of bed and sitting to nurse (UGHHHH!).
Second, have you consulted a BF consultant? Maybe she isn’t latching on completely correctly and isn’t getting enough during each feeding. Sorry if this was already mentioned. It is so hard, not knowing if she is just growing so much she is hungry, or if she isn’t getting enough and is hungry again too soon. But it may be worth just seeing what they say. And if you do, be careful who you consult with. I would stick with someone who is recommended by La Leche league (just consult the local LLL). I have always found that my doctors/nurses etc knew WAY less than I did about breastfeeding.
Good luck and sorry for the unsolicited advice!
Twitter: kidthingsnet
I second (third?) the sleep nursing. I breastfed my youngest 2 and I would have been a mess without doing that. Well, even more of a mess.
Also, I’m pretty sure this goes against every breastfeeding rule out there, but if you’re going to want to supplement/have Dan do feedings, I suggest doing it now as often as possible. You don’t want to mess up your supply, but I waited until after the recommended 6 week mark to try to give my breastfed kids a bottle and neither of them wanted anything to do with it. You would think I would have learned the first time. So I had to continue breastfeeding whether I really wanted to or not. And sometimes I really didn’t.
I know that’s advice. I’m sorry. But you’re doing a great job, hang in there. It sucks, yes, but it does get easier.
You are doing so wonderfully, Jen, but I am so sorry it is so difficult. And I truly believe it must be – I’ve been debating a second child for exactly these reasons. I do need to second the idea of sleep nursing. Life saver! But that’s it for advice, I promise.
And can I say? This line: “No joke- last night, she literally ripped it out of her mouth and started beating Dan with it. I was kind of proud”? Best laugh I have had in weeks. Seriously.
Quit whining and WHIP THEM OUT!!!
Sounds to me like you are doing a fantastic job. I have successfully bf both of my girls. The first one to 10.5 months, the second one to just after her 1st birthday. And I always supplemented a little with formula. I never, never got much pumping & it stressed me out too much. So we supplemented with formula when I’d go out without baby or when I went back to work part time. They probably only got 3-4 bottles of formula a week, at most, but there was absolutely nothing wrong with that. So even though you don’t want advice… here’s mine – if it will help you to bf longer, supplement with formula instead of pumping. That decision changed everything for me when it came to bf.
Hope you’re able to get some rest soon!