Twitter Updates

favortweets, round #19

burghbaby (blog) I am on my third wardrobe change of the day. I’m just like Cher, except without all the sparkles and butt cheeks hanging out. 12:01 PM Jul 3rd

lanakila (blog) just put neosporin and a bandaid on andrew for the 39th time this week. how do boys make it to adulthood with any kneecaps left? 10:38 PM Jul 3rd

ModernMatriarch (blog) Mike: “I stepped on the Sit n Spin in the dark room and almost died: Me: “Best death EVER.” 7:18 PM Jul 6th

burghseyewife Searching for jobs. “While performing the duties of this Job, the associate is regularly required to stand; walk; sit and talk or hear.” 2:22 PM Jul 7th

melissity (blog) Oliver in the bathroom: “…8, 9, 10! Ready or not! but it won’t come out.” Well, THAT’S a new way to play hide & seek. 1:18 PM Jul 8th

ohhkatrina (blog) im going to make a facebook group called: you made fun of me in middle school and now you have an ugly boyfriend; i win. 6:40 PM Jul 8th

metalia (blog) Some of the things I say as a parent are straight from a game of Mad Libs: “Please stop mashing that {APPLE} on your {FOOT}.” 6:55 PM Jul 8th

3weasels (blog) Women in hotel lobby: “We have twin boys, they are 42 now.” Her husband: “The first 20 years were the hardest.” 9:36 AM Jul 10th

Sundry (blog) Weekend task list: Me: laundry, dishes, groceries. Him: disappearing into garage for 12 hrs, presumably shrieking in delight over penis.10:33 PM Jul 11th

onedamnthing (blog) I owe a $1.59 for lab tests. Really? My insurance agency couldn’t check the couch for loose change? 2:05 PM Jul 12th

Greeblemonkey (blog) “I gotta find a way to lose all this friggin’ weight I’ve gained.” Says some lady getting off the 2nd floor elevator. 4:48 PM Jul 12th

OHmommy (blog) I just stepped out of the shower to dozens of maxipads stuck on the wall. I don’t think interior design is in the toddler’s future. 10:08 AM Jul 13th

mindbling (blog) I had a kale smoothie this morning. I repeat: A kale smoothie. Also, took a fish oil capsule. I HOPE THE BABY APPRECIATES THIS SHIT. 10:48 AM Jul 13th

foldinglaundry (blog) If I had a $1 for every time my daughter asked me a question, I’d have $99,354,201. And I’d spend it all on ice cream. 11:10 AM Jul 13th

Sundry (blog) Me: lecturing 2-yo. Him: silent, seemingly contemplative. Me: Wow, I’m really getting through to him! Him: *blows enormous fart, cracks up* 11:03 PM Jul 14th

ModernMatriarch (blog) OMG OMG OMG STOP FUCKING WRITING CHECKS. GET OUT OF THE LINE AND GET A DEBIT CARD. (I mean, excuse me Granny. You dropped your pen.) 12:20 PM Jul 17th

ellessu Dark bedroom. Flipped on switch to find Strum on bed, splayed wide open on back & McNabb, dog-cousin, sniffing his crotch. Nice. 9:56 AM Jul 23rd

BackpackingDad (blog) Vasectomies are for wusses. Real men can turn their potency off through sheer will. Or by watching a romantic comedy. 4:19 PM Jul 23rd

SarahLena (blog) I just watched a woman go through “orgasmic birth”. I feel fairly confident saying that I believe I did birth wrong now. 10:36 PM Jul 25th

scarletfire (blog) My kids are having an asshole contest and guess what? They’re both winning! 4:55 PM Jul 26th

MeganBoley (blog) If you were treated to a luxurious bath and fluffy towel, would you grin and then puke all over your clean self and said towel? #rudebabies 11:24 AM Jul 28th

rougeneck (blog) Looking at all the cute PJs in Old Navy but refuse to spend the money because really? I don’t think my cat gives a crap what I sleep in. 2:32 PM Jul 31st

Sundry (blog) I hate how “my tummy hurts” can mean anything from “I’m tired and whiny” to “I’m about to spray half-digested milk on the wall”. 3:42 PM Jul 31st

babyrabies (blog) “Why was K bothering you so much tonight? What was he doing” “Uh, he was being TWO and I was being pregnant and you were drinking beer.” 11:36 PM Jul 31st

keli_h (blog) we just struggled through giving away 5 stuffed toys. FIVE. and she acted like she bore each one through her loins. 12:45 PM Jul 20th

metalia (blog) The movers labeled my wardrobe boxes “mom clothes.” HOW DARE YOU, SIRS. 7:43 PM Jul 22nd

ajh_rigs Take THAT, Mom! Video games DID help me in real life… Fitting board games into a cardboard box = Tetris. 1:07 PM Aug 4th

kirida (blog) I like the idea of offers for salsa lessons or sandwiches but really, I need 56% off hiring someone to watch the kids so I can pee in peace. 1:14 PM Aug 5th

burghbaby (blog) Me: “Get down before you fall.” Her: “I won’t fall.” *crashes to floor* Her: “You told me so!” 8:06 PM Aug 8th

OHmommy (blog) Preschooler locked herself in her room because I didn’t allow her to pack tutus for Chicago. Looking forward to a 6 hr roadtrip w/her. 8:29 AM Aug 9th

MyMessyParadise (blog) “what can I use for a puppy bed?” “I don’t know, use your imagination.” “THAT Wouldn’t be comfortable. What else can I use?” 10:29 AM Aug 9th

SarcasticMomLC (blog) Had random mild rash on my ass. Found we still have Desitin. Put it on. If I get the urge to shit my pants or suck a bewb, will report back. 8:49 PM Aug 9th

12 Comments

  1. God I’m funny.

    Aug 10 8:55 pm


  2. Pingback: Tweets that mention favortweets, round #19 | jayesel -- Topsy.com

  3. You always make me feel so special when you include me. Thank you! :)

    Aug 10 9:09 pm


    • Jen
      @jayesel

      well you make me nearly pee my pants sometimes, so thank YOU! :)

      Aug 10 9:37 pm


  4. As soon as the kids are in school and out of my hair… I am sooooo doing this and giving you credit. So many funny peeps out there.

    Aug 10 9:57 pm


    • Jen
      @jayesel

      With Twitter, things fly past so quickly and so many good Tweets get lost. I love keeping track of them and sharing them later- sometimes a month or more! And I love giving shout-outs to those in my list who make me smile :)

      Aug 10 10:15 pm


  5. Andrea
    @ajh_rigs

    As soon as you retweeted me, I thought, “Yesssss, I’m going to be in Favortweets this time!” :)

    Aug 10 9:59 pm


  6. I have to agree with BackpackingDad. That was the one that made me laugh out loud.

    Aug 10 10:08 pm


  7. Man, I love these. I especially love it when I’m part of this fun, it’s like winning an Oscar. or something.

    Aug 10 10:31 pm


  8. C @ Kid Things
    @kidthingsnet

    I don’t even mind not making the list (mostly) because these are funnier than I could ever be. I love favortweets.

    Aug 11 8:59 am


  9. Damn, we’re a funny bunch. Good-looking, too.

    Aug 11 9:43 am