Twitter Updates

favortweets, round #17

Wow it’s been way too long since I took the time to go through my favorites list on Twitter. I forget how much I need to just sit here and snort-laugh into my computer screen for a while.

CranberryPerson The new me is thinking about going running after work on a Friday, instead of going to happy hour. The new me is an asshole. 3:06 PM Mar 5th

metalia (blog) There are two types of kids: the ones that freeze when caught unraveling TP, and the ones that FAKE-BLOW THEIR NOSES IN IT AND KEEP GOING. 7:24 PM Mar 8th

ModernMatriarch (blog) They always give you way more hummus than they give you crackers for in this stupid snack pack. Does hummus go with post-its? 2:20 PM Mar 10th

Sundry (blog) Remember, IMHO stands for In My Hairy Orifice, so make sure you read those emails in context. 7:26 PM Mar 10th

undomesticdiva (blog) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 1:07 PM Mar 15th

babyrabies (blog) Do all children of the 80′s instinctuallly blow inside electronics to get them to work, or is that just me? 9:30 PM Mar 16th

mandajuice (blog) “Come on Genoa, let’s play Wii Sleep. If you get past the first level, you get to play Wii DREAM!” My husband = nap time genius. 9:27 PM Mar 18th

scarletfire (blog) Is there anything LESS reassuring than watching your IT guy (via remote) GOOGLING how to fix your problem? 2:46 PM Mar 19th

torrie (blog) Is it possible to be so angry that you get your period 4 days early? Like, I’m so mad, my VAGINA is bleeding. 6:15 PM Mar 21st

melissity (blog) Me: “Everything has consequences.” O: “I don’t like consequences.” Me: “Some consequences are good.” O: “Oh. Like chocolate?” Me: “Exactly.” 7:54 PM Mar 21st

MommyToDexter (blog) why must kids tell on each other when they fart? I think we’re all aware. It’s not like, oh wow, did someone just toss rancid meat in here? 3:20 PM Mar 23rd

Sundry (blog) That Discovery show LIFE is awesome but it should be called DEATH (From the Water, the Air, the Ground, and Mommy Is That Aminal Okay?). 11:21 PM Mar 23rd

burghbaby (blog) Watching a mom pop the collar on her tween son’s pink polo shirt. That’s child abuse in 39 states. 2:32 PM Mar 24th

Sundry (blog) I hate it when the bridge traffic’s so bad the DOT cam just shows that photo of a guy screwing a goat. 7:58 PM Mar 25th

babyrabies (blog) I’m totally going to order a shirt that says “JUST YOU WAIT” and wear it every time I take my toddler around newborn moms. 10:20 PM Mar 25th

scarletfire (blog) Why does facebook keep suggesting that “See yourself older” app? Dude – I AM myself older. 10:51 PM Mar 27th

burghbaby (blog) It’s funny how my brain interprets that bright red exclamation mark in Outlook as denoting an email that I should ignore until later . . . 3:52 PM Mar 31st

BackpackingDad (blog) Me: “You can ask me over and over but I still won’t be able to give you any juice.” Toddler: “I can ask you over and over?” Crap. 9:13 PM Mar 31st

melissity (blog) 3-yr old’s cold: runny nose. Mom’s cold: runny nose, headache, sore throat, body aches, malaise. Dad’s cold: THE END OF THE WORLD. 8:27 PM Apr 1st

ModernMatriarch (blog) Pretty sure the last few months have been a test. Not sure what I get when I pass but it better be naked and rhyme with Berard Hutler. 8:53 AM Apr 5th

Sarcomical (blog) cat just gave me attitude. i said “hey jerk, remember last night when i had to pull a hanging poop off your butt?” put him in his place. 2:35 AM Apr 10th

ModernMatriarch (blog) Oh the uses of the video monitor! Latest: convincing 4-yo I’m psychic & know exactly when she’s hitting her brother in the face w/ a Barbie 11:02 AM Apr 11th

jamesbainbridge Dear Mr. Rooney. I would like to suggest this year in camp we have a presentation titled: Your Penis & All The Things You CAN’T Do With it. 9:00 AM Apr 12th

bearca Let’s replace all IQ tests with this: can you use the grocery self-checkout? If so, then congrats on being a productive member of society. 12:25 AM Apr 16th

metalia (blog) I just closed an email with “Happy Monday!” Feel free to beat me with a ream of TPS reports. 9:23 AM Apr 19th

mooshinindy (blog) five year old found in closet with fingernail polish. tomorrow it will be a boy and then the next day i will die. 5:19 PM Apr 20th

dasbecca (blog) … Wow. God love my daughter, but she is the worst ballerina I’ve ever seen. 2:06 PM Apr 22nd

CranberryPerson As parents we try to be consistent, but some mixed messages are inevitable, like “Be proud of your work,” and “GROSS, FLUSH THE TOILET.” 8:15 AM Apr 29th

mandajuice (blog) Just told ADT salesman “Sorry, we don’t need an alarm. We’re well protected by Smith & Wesson.” He couldn’t get off my porch fast enough. 7:06 PM Apr 29th

bearca How is it possible that Jack Bauer can singlehandedly defeat terrorism again and again, yet not be able to pronounce “nuclear” correctly? 11:45 PM Apr 29th

JanePitt (blog) Have to make snickerdoodles tonight for my kiddo’s school. Another way I could have tweeted this: I’m having snickerdoodle dough for dinner. 5:30 PM May 5th

3 Comments

  1. Hilarous post! Great way to start the morning.
    .-= SeriousMom’s last blog post: Mom panties? =-.

    May 6 9:19 am


  2. I always love when you do these. SO MUCH.
    .-= Burgh Baby’s last blog post: Butimjust is About to Get Her Ass Kicked =-.

    May 6 12:30 pm


  3. Jamie

    I love them too! I was so happy to see it back again!
    I especially love ModernMatriarch’s tweet…..mmmm…..Gerard Butler :)

    May 6 1:20 pm