For whatever reason, so far during this pregnancy, I’ve been more cautious than last time. More worried, more nagging thoughts in the back of my head. I’m not entirely sure why. When I was pregnant with Maggie, my brain never really Went There with all the What Ifs? and Maybe Something Might Go Wrongs! Perhaps it was because I was new at the whole pregnancy and parenting thing, so I didn’t fully realize how fragile and precious and amazing it all is.

Since then, I’ve either paid more attention or have just simply had more personal contact with people who have Had Tragedies. Numerous friends who have struggled (and some are still struggling) with infertility. Multiple miscarriages. Babies dying in utero during the third trimester. Babies dying shortly after birth. And every time we heard of someone we knew and loved going through something horrible like that, I would just shake my head in amazement at how blessed we’ve been. I guess I’m sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop, or whatever. SOMETHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN, RIGHT?

I’ve realized that this whole pregnancy and parenting thing? It is one big, huge, blind leap of faith.

But we have been lucky. I’m Super Fertile Myrtle, only taking three months to get pregnant with Maggie and this time around, we just kind of sort of thought we might start trying, so let’s throw out the condoms! and a month later, I was pregnant. LUCKY. My pregnancy with Maggie was completely uneventful. The delivery was routine. My recovery was a little bit rough, but that was me and not the baby, and it truly could have been a lot worse. So really, again: LUCKY. And since she was born, other than a few nasty sicknesses that gave me good blog fodder and a couple of trips to the ER and urgent care, Maggie has been healthy and happy. Say it with me: LUCKY.

So when my doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat with the doppler at my 12 week appointment yesterday, I was scared. Immediately I thought, Well, it’s our turn. Our turn to have a Sad Story of a baby that didn’t make it. Miscarriages are common, I know, but that doesn’t make them any less heartbreaking. But, if it’s our turn, we’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.

At least that’s what I kept telling myself as tears streamed down my face during the 25 minute drive from the doctor’s office to the imaging center for an early ultrasound.

I called Dan at work and let him know what was happening. He was of course bummed to begin with that he couldn’t make the appointment, and now he couldn’t be with me on my way to finding out if our baby was okay. That was hard. As was the hour-long wait once I arrived at the imaging center. Thankfully I had my sister and Dan texting me back and forth, keeping me sane. And seeing all the thoughts and prayers coming through my Twitter stream helped like you don’t even know.

After a rather personal experience with an intravaginal ultrasound wand (and it didn’t even BUY ME DINNER FIRST.) there was fantastic news. Everything is just fine. Seemingly perfect, even.

The theory is that I have a retroverted uterus, which basically just means that it tilts backward instead of forward. (HELLO, TMI!) Turns out, most women in our family have this trait. (Again: HELLO, TMI!) At a certain point in pregnancy, it will tip forward like normal- usually around 12 weeks or so, but sometimes it happens a little later than that. And if it’s tilted back too far, it can be really difficult to hear heartbeats on the doppler.


Once again, we are Lucky. And oh so Thankful.


  1. Amy

    March 18, 2010 10:03 am

    I’m so glad everything is okay! I had a miscarriage in 2001 and another in 2007 and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
    .-= Amy’s last blog post: I Has A Productive! =-.

  2. Crissy

    March 18, 2010 10:09 am

    First, I am so glad everything is great, and the baby is adorable already! I have been super blessed with a great, healthy, perfect kid too, but I did have some “iffy” first trimester screening results which pretty much put me in a hell of worry for my entire pregnancy, so, I know how it feels to be scared for your baby and boy does it suck. Imaging that fear you felt when you were waiting lasting for 9 months. Not cool.

    It really is a huge blind leap of faith… so many variables and possibilities.
    .-= Crissy’s last blog post: Free to a good home =-.

  3. Dave

    March 18, 2010 10:19 am

    So glad to hear things are ok, and sorry to hear about the rough day you had yesterday. We’ve been through a few miscarriages and the internal ultrasound and all that jazz. I hope (and will pray) that everything stays A-OK through the labor and delivery and that you and the baby stay healthy through it all.

    Lucky and thankful: we feel those things daily. Having two (generally, just regular germs) healthy kids around every day keeps us thinking about how blessed we are.
    .-= Dave’s last blog post: I Love My Kids =-.

  4. C @ Kid Things

    March 18, 2010 10:22 am

    I’m glad everything turned out OK. Even after 4 miscarriages, I still count myself as lucky because it brought me to the kids I have today.
    .-= C @ Kid Things’s last blog post: Living the Dream =-.

  5. Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks

    March 18, 2010 10:23 am

    Try having a pediatric nurse as your husband. A pediatric nurse who has spent the last 5-7 years in hospitals working with the sickest of kids. And then try having a conversation about starting a family with said spouse. Let’s just say, he’s hard wired to think everything will go wrong. The reality? He sees a really small fraction of babies. Really small. He just happens to see them everyday.

    I’m so glad to hear your baby likely won’t be one of the ones he’ll see. =)

  6. Jenn

    March 18, 2010 12:34 pm

    I know what you mean. At first I thought it (worrying about if my next pregnancy would be uneventful) was because I was reading more blogs, but then I remembered that we have several friends that have miscarried and even one couple that had a stillborn. Life is fragile but God is in control (easier to say & have faith in when things are going well). So glad things are perfect!
    .-= Jenn’s last blog post: Boots & Tractors =-.

  7. Kate

    March 18, 2010 1:03 pm

    Oh man, I can so relate to this post. Since finding out we were pregnant with #2 I’ve had 3 friends lose babies. When I started bleeding at 16 weeks I thought, Oh God, its our turn. Thankfully everthing is fine but every day I remind myself just how lucky we are.

    I’m so glad you got good news yesterday! Hoping the rest of your pregnancy is uneventful.
    .-= Kate’s last blog post: Signs of Spring =-.

  8. red pen mama

    March 18, 2010 2:32 pm

    I was so glad — am so glad — to hear the news. And yes: pros of the Internet: awesome communities! On-line relationships that become real-life friendships! Support, hugs, prayers, and so on!

    Con (at least one): TMI, all the way around. And I don’t just mean your tipped uterus.

    I am sorry you had to go through that “alone”. It’s nice to have a real hand to hold sometimes!

    Can’t wait to meet Maggie’s little sibling.
    .-= red pen mama’s last blog post: Lost: Recon =-.

  9. Laura

    March 18, 2010 2:36 pm

    I go through exactly the same “other shoe” thoughts and I’m not even pregnant! But I did the same during my pg with Andrew. As much as I love my girls on my Dec 2007 mommies forum (it’s a fertility forum… so most ppl there are there for a reason), it’s very heartbreaking to be among them and it has really given me a LOT of perspective. I was SO WORRIED during my 20-wk u/s that my bp was through the roof. I don’t think I enjoyed a single second of it… I just KNEW all of the “ifs”. Ignorance certainly would have been bliss.

    I’m so glad everything is okay. I’m praying for you all the time. Was this your first experience with the Peek-n-Poke ultrasound? ;)
    .-= Laura’s last blog post: melting prints of grass and snow =-.

  10. Mel

    March 18, 2010 3:12 pm

    I was so happy to hear that everything was ok. I saw on both Twitter and Facebook and my thoughts were with you!
    .-= Mel’s last blog post: baby talk. candidly. =-.

  11. samantha jo campen

    March 18, 2010 3:43 pm

    I was a nervous wreck yesterday and even reading this KNOWING how it turned out still made me anxious.


    Now, how soon can we have a chat with that pesky uterus of yours?
    .-= samantha jo campen’s last blog post: Parent: 1 Child: 0 =-.

  12. Priscilla

    March 18, 2010 4:34 pm

    Just like the others, I am so happy to hear that things are okay.

    I know that a huge part of your being worried that something will happen is because of hearing about close friends’ experiences and heartaches…that makes it hard NOT to think about those things.

    When I started bleeding when pregnant with Lincoln, I cried from the moment the doctor told me to rush to the ER until we were told everything was hopefully going to be okay (still had to spend a few nights at Magee and then no major activity for the rest of the pregnancy including sex…yikes! ;)

    Oh and just for some more TMI, I also have the tilted uterus, doctor told me that’s why I had backaches during that time of the month! Sorry, folks, had to add that in there!
    .-= Priscilla’s last blog post: Looking forward =-.

  13. bluzdude

    March 18, 2010 4:41 pm

    So the baby has a recliner… doesn’t seem so bad… Was that a remote I saw in his hand?
    .-= bluzdude’s last blog post: Brushes – Part 9 =-.

  14. san

    March 18, 2010 4:44 pm

    OMG… I was holding my breath there for a moment.
    I am so glad everything’s ok! :)
    .-= san’s last blog post: Precious time =-.

  15. Melissa

    March 18, 2010 5:08 pm

    I’m glad I wasn’t on the computer until after your first Tweet about it yesterday, because I only saw the good news!

    Having been in a worrisome situation several times, with both good and bad outcomes, I know how your heart just *drops* at the moment when you find out something might not be right. But I’m SO happy everything turned out ok. I’ve been praying for you & baby since you shared the news. Here’s to the best of luck, continued. :) Hugs!
    .-= Melissa’s last blog post: even if it leads nowhere =-.

  16. AndreAnna

    March 18, 2010 5:25 pm

    Very happy to hear that everything went well. You had me holding my breath all morning.
    .-= AndreAnna’s last blog post: Explaining Death to an Almost-Four-Year-Old =-.

  17. Nichole

    March 18, 2010 7:16 pm

    So glad everything turned out ok! I hope the next 27 or so week are uneventful! :)

  18. Stefanie

    March 18, 2010 7:57 pm

    I am so glad everything is okay. I also didn’t see that first tweet. I saw the 2nd one with the picture and was all happy. After reading this, I can only imagine what you must have been going through within that hour.
    .-= Stefanie’s last blog post: When the Army comes first. =-.

  19. the ambitious mrs

    March 18, 2010 10:24 pm

    I’m sure that was the worst hour ever! I’m so glad everything is okay!
    .-= the ambitious mrs’s last blog post: Stuff and Stuff =-.

  20. Korinna

    March 19, 2010 1:44 pm

    I, too, am glad everything is okay.

    I’m thinking that probably shaved years off your life. Darn kids.
    .-= Korinna’s last blog post: One fell swoop =-.

  21. Susan

    March 19, 2010 3:06 pm

    So happy and relieved to hear your news!

  22. Steph

    March 20, 2010 9:30 pm

    I was scared this time around with Ben’s pregnancy too because of all the baby bad news blogs. :( I’m praying everything will be just fine with your new little one (and I’m sure it will be). BOY, RIGHT? (as per dream?) :P

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