For whatever reason, so far during this pregnancy, I’ve been more cautious than last time. More worried, more nagging thoughts in the back of my head. I’m not entirely sure why. When I was pregnant with Maggie, my brain never really Went There with all the What Ifs? and Maybe Something Might Go Wrongs! Perhaps it was because I was new at the whole pregnancy and parenting thing, so I didn’t fully realize how fragile and precious and amazing it all is.
Since then, I’ve either paid more attention or have just simply had more personal contact with people who have Had Tragedies. Numerous friends who have struggled (and some are still struggling) with infertility. Multiple miscarriages. Babies dying in utero during the third trimester. Babies dying shortly after birth. And every time we heard of someone we knew and loved going through something horrible like that, I would just shake my head in amazement at how blessed we’ve been. I guess I’m sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop, or whatever. SOMETHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN, RIGHT?
I’ve realized that this whole pregnancy and parenting thing? It is one big, huge, blind leap of faith.
But we have been lucky. I’m Super Fertile Myrtle, only taking three months to get pregnant with Maggie and this time around, we just kind of sort of thought we might start trying, so let’s throw out the condoms! and a month later, I was pregnant. LUCKY. My pregnancy with Maggie was completely uneventful. The delivery was routine. My recovery was a little bit rough, but that was me and not the baby, and it truly could have been a lot worse. So really, again: LUCKY. And since she was born, other than a few nasty sicknesses that gave me good blog fodder and a couple of trips to the ER and urgent care, Maggie has been healthy and happy. Say it with me: LUCKY.
So when my doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat with the doppler at my 12 week appointment yesterday, I was scared. Immediately I thought, Well, it’s our turn. Our turn to have a Sad Story of a baby that didn’t make it. Miscarriages are common, I know, but that doesn’t make them any less heartbreaking. But, if it’s our turn, we’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.
At least that’s what I kept telling myself as tears streamed down my face during the 25 minute drive from the doctor’s office to the imaging center for an early ultrasound.
I called Dan at work and let him know what was happening. He was of course bummed to begin with that he couldn’t make the appointment, and now he couldn’t be with me on my way to finding out if our baby was okay. That was hard. As was the hour-long wait once I arrived at the imaging center. Thankfully I had my sister and Dan texting me back and forth, keeping me sane. And seeing all the thoughts and prayers coming through my Twitter stream helped like you don’t even know.
After a rather personal experience with an intravaginal ultrasound wand (and it didn’t even BUY ME DINNER FIRST.) there was fantastic news. Everything is just fine. Seemingly perfect, even.
The theory is that I have a retroverted uterus, which basically just means that it tilts backward instead of forward. (HELLO, TMI!) Turns out, most women in our family have this trait. (Again: HELLO, TMI!) At a certain point in pregnancy, it will tip forward like normal- usually around 12 weeks or so, but sometimes it happens a little later than that. And if it’s tilted back too far, it can be really difficult to hear heartbeats on the doppler.
SO THANKS FOR THE PANIC ATTACK, UTERUS.
Once again, we are Lucky. And oh so Thankful.