Twitter Updates

favortweets! round #16

While I’m gone, entertain yourselves with the daily hilarity that is my Twitter friends feed. Seriously. You people are funny.

metalia (blog) I’m sure I’ve made worse decisions than feeding a toddler beets while wearing a white sweater, but right now, I can’t think of any. 6:49 PM Jan 26th

Greeblemonkey (blog) My child just told me I had morning breath. I reminded him about all those diapers I took care of for him. 9:52 AM Jan 28th

WhisperAmber (blog) I bet if Megan Fox asked Tom to take the trash can to the curb for trash pickup, he would remember to do it. 10:42 PM Jan 28th

Sundry (blog) Husband slept through 2 crying kids last night. Totally unrelated: Ex-Lax is pretty much undetectable when you mix it with someone’s coffee. 12:34 PM Jan 29th

ModernMatriarch (blog) 3-yo just stubbed her toe and yelled out “JESUS CHRIST ON A CRACKER WITH PEANUT BUTTER AND CRAP!” I died. 4:03 PM Feb 3rd

kirida (blog) Chivalry dead? Nah! Teen moved to another bus stop so I wouldn’t inhale the second-hand weed. A gentleman, indeed! 11:20 AM Feb 4th

foldinglaundry (blog) The family & I are about to do our wkly grocery shopping at Walmart on Superbowl Sunday which is basically the same as wishing we were dead. 1:21 PM Feb 7th

alimartell (blog) My hair looks ridiculously good today. I’m sure the people who work at Kroger, Walgreens, and Shell are going to appreciate its awesomeness. 9:41 AM Feb 9th

CranberryPerson When I write too fast, my “E” looks like a “G” making this assignment sheet where I marked several projects as “DONE” look pretty weird. 3:27 PM Feb 9th

mooselicious (blog) Why does my smoke alarm go off when I take a shower, but not when the burner under my tea kettle has SET FIRE TO MY CUTTING BOARD? 6:43 PM Feb 9th

jamesbainbridge I NEVER see happy people going to the gym in our building. Ever. Conversely, I DO see happy people going into McDonalds. Gyms are not happy. 12:14 PM Feb 12th

SarcasticMomLC (blog) Can’t decide whether I like or hate Google Buzz. I’m leaning towards amused tolerance w/ a dash of annoyance & a little bit of flatulance. 1:49 PM Feb 12th

SarahLena (blog) I swear, it will say “SHOULD’VE TAKEN MORE NAPS” on my death certificate. 4:20 PM Feb 13th

jonniker (blog) Caught a recent Madonna video this morning and she wasn’t wearing pants either. Madonna. You are FIFTY. NOW IS THE TIME FOR PANTS. 7:21 AM Feb 15th

Sundry (blog) Welp, I’ve signed Riley up for classes, so in case the haircut, SUV, and four-hook bra didn’t tip you off, I’m officially a soccer mom now. 11:29 AM Feb 18th

ModernMatriarch (blog) Apparently, “ISHIE KAKKA NOW” is Angry Toddlerese for “May I please have some goldfish crackers post haste?” 4:32 PM Feb 22nd

metalia (blog) I can think of no better way to work on the attribute of patience than to telephonically assist older family members place online orders. 9:01 PM Feb 22nd

CranberryPerson Giving my kid “A Wrinkle in Time.” This must be how my dad felt when giving me a football. Except I won’t tell my kid he reads like a girl. 2:12 PM Feb 24th

metalia (blog) Meteorologists, if you call a weather event a “snow hurricane,” I’m gonna be unable to refrain from making jokes about being rocked by it. 10:28 PM Feb 24th

mommywantsvodka (blog) Am in the mood for mischief and merry prankstering. Sadly, I will have to settle for a Hot Pocket. Life in the suburbs sucks. 6:09 PM Feb 25th

kdiddy (blog) I can’t wait until my kid is an adult so I can just say, “Yo, what the FUCK is your problem?” without it being, like, mean or whatever. 8:37 PM Feb 25th

Sundry (blog) If security asks why I have this small tupperware of peanut butter in my carryon I’m telling them it’s my lucky fecal sample. 3:28 PM Feb 26th

mamaspohr (blog) In seven days I’ll be six weeks post-op & I’ll have no excuse not to exercise. You know what that means: time to fake an injury! 9:02 PM Feb 26th

metalia (blog) I would like to invite all teenagers to my safe sex program, called “Watch Me Clean Up Baby Barf From Everything, Including–Yes–My Hair.” 9:46 AM Feb 28th

CranberryPerson Talking with the dad of a kid my son bit at daycare today. I think he was going to yell at me until he saw how powerful my jaws look. 6:25 PM Mar 1st

Sarcomical (blog) the Chilean earthquake knocked Earth off its axis enough to shorten a day by 1.26 microseconds. i knew i felt rushed yesterday. 2:37 PM Mar 2nd

ModernMatriarch (blog) You know what’s awesome? A cat that drools. He’s like a really hairy independent dog that shits in sand. 9:27 PM Mar 2nd

6 Comments

  1. samantha jo campen
    @samanthajcampen

    These are awesome. Yeah for teh twitterz!
    .-= samantha jo campen’s last blog post: Parent: 1 Child: 0 =-.

    Mar 2 9:50 pm


  2. Jamie

    I love love love kdiddy’s tweet, I feel like that all. the. time. :-P

    Mar 3 1:51 am


  3. I always love these and find new people to follow!
    .-= AndreAnna’s last blog post: Another day, another room. =-.

    Mar 3 8:38 am


  4. red pen mama
    @redpenmamapgh

    I feel like I’m cheating on my Lenten Twitter fast. It feels good — and kind of dirty.
    .-= red pen mama’s last blog post: Twitter: The Lecture* =-.

    Mar 3 2:23 pm


  5. Crissy
    @Crissy

    Haha, totally following some of these people now.
    .-= Crissy’s last blog post: Waiting for spring to be sprung =-.

    Mar 7 10:21 am


  6. I am certain I just wet myself laughing at these…pure hilarity!! I want all these people in one room at once…can you imagine?!?

    Mar 10 11:00 pm