favortweets! round #14: Best of 2009 Edition

It’s the end of 2009, my friends. Instead of a boring year-in-review post of my personal life (which is TOTALLY happening eventually, I know you’re excited.) I thought I’d do a Best of 2009 Favortweets edition.

Now, I was going to try to keep it to 10 because that’s like, a THING with these types of lists, but seriously? You guys are too awesome and hilarious to limit myself. So I made it 20. Because I can do that! I’m mad with POWER!

I hope you all have a jolly New Years celebration. Whether you’re going out or staying in or whatever. Here’s to 2010 being a wonderful year for all of us!

Sarcomical: maybe, just maybe, if i don’t eat these birthday cupcakes nightly, the island will blow up. …better keep eating. i’m a hero. 11:07 PM May 30th

samanthajcampen: Sitting at my desk, minding my business when all of a sudden I whip my head around because I thought I saw our CAT. WHO DOES NOT WORK HERE. 3:28 PM May 27th

redpenmama: I just had to block someone on twitter. Her only update was about people looking for sex in my area. Yeah, I got one of those at home. 9:07 PM May 5th

CranberryPerson: Her: TV’s broken, what are we going to do WINK WINK Me: Dunno. Read? Her: No, I mean we can go up in the BEDROOM Me: OH YEAH THAT TV WORKS 9:16 PM Jul 14th

amalah: Cleaning mussels for dinner. The Internet informs me that I must remove the “fibrous byssal threads.” I think I want a pizza. 7:00 PM Jul 20th

alexaflotsam (blog) Happily, the antiviral he gave me is a herpes med, so according to the commercials I should be riding horseback on the beach any time now. 11:00 AM Jul 29th

CranberryPerson Driving my minivan alone. Need bumper sticker that reads “my other car doesn’t make me question what in God’s name my life has become.“ 5:59 PM Aug 5th

Sarcomical (blog) i just paused the Golden Girls in my office while i left someone a message. then i realized. I PAUSED THE GOLDEN GIRLS. 9:21 AM Aug 7th

JanePitt (blog) If I write a book, I shall call it “If stabbing pigeons is wrong, I bet it’s really wrong when I light them on fire.” #PETA 3:11 PM Aug 26th

Sundry (blog) Last night’s trainer: “Hey, guess how I came up with this exercise?” Me (gasping): “While you were watching that movie SAW?” 11:29 AM Aug 29th

CranberryPerson I ran over that bee’s home with my lawn mower, so he stung me. End of story. And this is why the animal kingdom doesn’t need lawyers. 4:19 PM Sep 6th

loveisblonde (blog) I have been a Productivity Rockstar this morning. Probably because I am drinking coffee from a mug decorated with cats dressed up as cowboys 12:25 PM Sep 22nd

pocklock (blog) I have a feeling my obit is going to contain the words, flight-of-stairs, laundry basket, and cat. 9:17 AM Sep 25th

jonniker (blog) Just got my belt loop stuck in the door handle, which RIPPED MY PANTS OFF and made me hit the floor, face down. Am living Darwinian fail. 12:22 PM Sep 28th

SarcasticMomLC (blog) I’ve been getting screamed at all day long by someone who knows WAY LESS than I do, but won’t admit it. Who says this isn’t like a real job? 7:32 PM Oct 2nd

scarletfire (blog) I love my spam folder. I got an email from Jesus today, who I didn’t know was so tech-savvy. Or so concerned with my ability to ejaculate. 8:53 AM Oct 15th

Sundry (blog) Apparently delivering a sarcastic rendition of “Everybody Hurts” to a tantruming toddler doesn’t help matters. Parenting is SO unintuitive. 10:34 PM Nov 4th

mooshinindy (blog) the moosh ended her prayer today with dot com. As in “In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. Dot Com.” 9:13 PM Nov 19th

metalia (blog) Sometimes, there’s no expletive to satisfactorily describe a situation, and you have to invent one. As I did today, with “whorefart.” 8:03 PM Dec 3rd

jonniker (blog) I wish there were something stronger I could do with my eyes other than roll them. Like maybe scoop them out and bowl with them. 7:03 PM Dec 15th