Twitter Updates

favortweets! round #13

So far, this week is kicking my butt. Thank goodness I have Twitter to keep me giggling.

Sundry (blog) I’m on my third Red Bull which means I can see through walls and also my spirit animal is a testicle. 6:47 PM Dec 1st

ModernMatriarch (blog) Do you think my Christmas tree will fit UP my cat’s ass? Because that’s apparently how close he needs to be to it. 3:52 PM Dec 3rd

jamesbainbridge Wanna turn a rational human being into a raving douche bag? Elect them to a homeowner’s association. 4:29 PM Dec 3rd

metalia (blog) Sometimes, there’s no expletive to satisfactorily describe a situation, and you have to invent one. As I did today, with “whorefart.” 8:03 PM Dec 3rd

SarahLena (blog) Christ on a cracker, I want to fuse my own Fallopian tubes shut tonight with a creme brûlée torch and swear off sperm FOR.EV.ER. 7:32 PM Dec 6th

burghbaby (blog) It’s been ages since it all came out but I still think the most shocking thing about the Tiger debacle is that he had sex. More than once. 11:44 AM Dec 7th

ModernMatriarch (blog) So,”pssshhawww. FO SHIZZLE” is probably not the most professional thing to say to your boss when she asks if you got your issue out on time. 3:35 PM Dec 7th

JanePitt (blog) Son: “Why does the smoke alarm beep every time you cook?” Me: “Go to your room.” 5:31 PM Dec 7th

metalia (blog) At some point in the last decade, my reaction to parties shifted from “WOOOO! Let’s do this thang!” to “It starts at TEN? PM?!” 5:31 PM Dec 7th

Sundry (blog) They need to rename that show from I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant to I Thought I Was Dropping a Monster Shit PS: I Am Too Stupid To Breathe. 6:08 PM Dec 7th

scarletfire (blog) My morning commute has convinced me that there is a douchebag convention in the city today. 8:28 AM Dec 9th

wishcake (blog) A sign my sister put on her door years ago: “Don’t come in! Raping presents!” I still get a good giggle thinking about that one. 1:17 PM Dec 9th

dasbecca (blog) Me: “Seriously– get in bed.” Addie: “That’s what SHE SAID! HA!” Me: “… Yeah, you’re too old for naps.” 2:18 PM Dec 10th

Sundry (blog) I’m just going to say this: it’s FREEZING in our bathroom. Especially under the cabinet. … Where the tampons are stored. 5:44 PM Dec 11th

samanthajcampen (blog) For the record, my jeans fit better 3 weeks post partum then they do this very second. Now, how do I unzip my skin? 5:46 PM Dec 12th

jonniker (blog) Sometimes all it takes to put my kid in a brand-new, happy mood is to just take off her pants. This may be something we can all learn from. 5:08 PM Dec 13th

pocklock (blog) Bean is so tired she’s wandering from room to room whining/crying as if to say, “will one of you assholes please put me to bed? NOW?” 7:03 PM Dec 13th

babyrabies (blog) Wondering how long I can claim I’m a “new”mom. When do I have to own up to the fact that I should know what I’m doing by now? 12:35 AM Dec 15th

melissity (blog) OB said today: “You healed fast, everything looks great!” Translation in husband’s mind: “MERRY CHRISTMAS!” 2:46 PM Dec 15th

SarahLena (blog) Gods of Long Meetings, what be a worthy sacrifice to appease your mercy? Engineers abound; a virgin must be among them. Name your wishes. 5:32 PM Dec 15th

jonniker (blog) I wish there were something stronger I could do with my eyes other than roll them. Like maybe scoop them out and bowl with them. 7:03 PM Dec 15th

1 Comment

  1. Okay, melissity’s had me rolling!!! thanks for the giggles. I needed them tonight!
    .-= Jenn’s last blog post: Pray for these little ones =-.

    Dec 16 11:57 pm