Twitter Updates

favortweets, round #9

It’s been nearly a month since the last FavorTweets! What the heck, Jen? GET WITH THE PROGRAM.

SarcasticMomLC (blog) Dear Braden: It will never, EVER be ok for you to rub your junk on my foot. EVAR. Love, Mommy 12:45 PM Oct 11th

metalia (blog) My god, it is FREEZING outsi– Wait. A weather tweet is boring, right? I’ll just add some BENGAL TIGERS to it! Yeah, how you like me now? 6:41 AM Oct 15th

scarletfire (blog) I love my spam folder. I got an email from Jesus today, who I didn’t know was so tech-savvy. Or so concerned with my ability to ejaculate. 8:53 AM Oct 15th

ModernMatriarch (blog) Whenever I heard a loud bang in the house, I mentally locate my nearest bra is so I can grab it really fast before the ambulance arrives. 6:25 PM Oct 16th

Sundry (blog) I would like to file a sexual harassment complaint against the giant bowl of Reese’s cups in the snack room, please. 3:59 PM Oct 19th

BackpackingDad (blog) Damned TSA almost stole my weather balloon filled with Nestle formula. Luckily, Kanye was there to interrupt them. 5:48 PM Oct 19th

melissity (blog) G hasn’t bought any more bags of 3 Musketeers for Halloween since the ghost got into it. And now the bag is empty, and the ghost is ANGRY. 10:58 PM Oct 20th

whoorl (blog) Awwww yeah, I won. Take THAT, person with way too many asterisks in their eBay user ID. 6:05 PM Oct 21st

MyMessyParadise (blog) Old couple looking at Depends, “I wonder what that crazy astronaut wore. Those were good for a long drive. That’s what I want.” Ha! 12:53 PM Oct 22nd

Sundry (blog) Something’s gotta power me past this 3 PM slump. I’m thinking a pile of blow, a latex catsuit, and a tranny hooker. Or maybe a Yoplait. 6:03 PM Oct 22nd

scarletfire (blog) As soon as these kids get jobs, they need to start financially compensating me for what they have done to my bladder. 10:45 PM Oct 24th

mooshinindy (blog) Dear derfwad who gave me my flu shot today. I feel sorry for whomever you sleep with, gentle is not on your list of qualities. 10:03 PM Oct 26th

ModernMatriarch (blog) If Voldemort had a child, I believe he would behave like my 15-mo after I remove a dangerous object from his hand. Waiting for death spell. 2:10 PM Oct 27th

Sundry (blog) If you’re repeatedly retweeting your OWN tweet, I don’t think that’s really a RT. Whatever it is, it should be done in private. With lube. 2:24 PM Oct 28th

metalia (blog) I just uttered the phrase “In MY day…” Next thing I know, the crinkling of a butterscotch wrapper will have a near-Pavlovian effect on me. 5:05 PM Oct 28th

CranberryPerson As I argue with a six year old and a three year old over who farted, I realize this is exactly how I imagined fatherhood would be. 8:04 PM Oct 30th

SarahLena (blog) Also, Halloween runs are kind of a blow to the ego. For example, I got beaten by a giant sequined glove. An ode to a pedophile beat me. 10:45 AM Oct 31st

Sundry (blog) Long oversized scarves are so trendy and cute and the last six inches are *perfectly* suited for falling into a public toilet. 9:34 PM Nov 1st

RockingPony (blog) I used my new dryer for the first time. I found $1. I’m pretending that it’s minting money as it’s drying clothes. I love it that much. 4:06 PM Nov 2nd

notthatyouasked (blog) I think I must have developed a child callous. How else to explain why Dave is utterly exasperated by them 15mins after getting home? 7:11 PM Nov 3rd

dasbecca (blog) Addie announced: “They’re dead. I didn’t do it, I just found them like that… I’m sorry. They’re ALL DEAD.” High drama for toy batteries. 10:33 AM Nov 4th

hollyburns (blog) On a scale of one to DRESSING LIKE YOUR MOM, how disturbed should I be that I liked something in the window of Talbots? 12:43 PM Nov 4th

kirida (blog) Hate maternity pants without front pockets. Where am I going to put my keys?! My uterus is full. 6:40 PM Nov 4th

3 Comments

  1. You’ve got some of the best friends ever. I always look forward to reading these.
    .-= Karen’s last blog post: It Needs a Title, Too? Geez. =-.

    Nov 5 8:58 am


  2. These are hilarious :)

    Nov 5 3:32 pm


  3. And my husband is still awfully confused why I spend so much time on the twitterz.

    Nov 8 12:03 am