Twitter Updates

favortweets, round #7

Dude. You all need to stop being so clever on Twitter. Or I need to do this more than once every three weeks. ha

CranberryPerson You said “Thanks for the quick response!” but I know you meant “you poor sad bastard, alone at your computer, desperate for human contact.” 3:38 PM Sep 3rd

redpenmama (blog) I dream of a day when all children will listen to their mothers the first time they say something. But then the world will end. 9:10 PM Sep 3rd

pgha (blog) Does it freak you out that we’ve convinced ourselves that “:)” means “smiley face?” 10:56 PM Sep 3rd

BackpackingDad (blog) Unpacking from vacation is almost impossible. It’s a task that casts a lethargy spell at me from the future. 7:43 PM Sep 4th

AllisonB (blog) My quota for witnessing men with their hands down their pants has been surpassed. 7:55 PM Sep 4th

Sundry (blog) I can’t believe how often I find myself saying “Finish what’s in your mouth first”. Like it EVER helps. See also: “Be careful!” 12:57 PM Sep 5th

CranberryPerson I ran over that bee’s home with my lawn mower, so he stung me. End of story. And this is why the animal kingdom doesn’t need lawyers. 4:19 PM Sep 6th

jamesbainbridge Watching Gods & Generals and wondering why someone didn’t say “This Napoleanic style of warfare is fucking stupid – YOU get in front.” 11:03 AM Sep 7th

Sundry (blog) Glad for work/school today. Apparently I thrive on banal routine, or someth—excuse me while I press this lever, I get a PELLET. 11:33 AM Sep 8th

notthatyouasked (blog) I have killed three mosquitoes this week while sitting on the toilet. I swear, there is not one moment of the day when I’m not multitasking. 10:52 PM Sep 8th

burghbaby (blog) My MIL sent me a romantic hot air balloon ride on Facebook. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? 9:25 AM Sep 9th

MommyToDexter (blog) Sign on the road: free odds and ends. Next to it an adult portable toilet. Talk about an odd for your end. 7:24 PM Sep 10th

Sundry (blog) “I know how to do EVERYTHING,” shouts my child indignantly, .2 seconds before walking facefirst into the open car door. 2:01 PM Sep 11th

kidthingsnet (blog) Jayden, holding out a rubber ducky: “This is my friend. He accepted my friend request.” 2:37 PM Sep 12th

JanePitt (blog) Am afraid to follow @asteroidwatch for fear one day I’ll see a tweet that just says: “FUCK!” 8:14 PM Sep 12th

amalah (blog) I just bowled a 19. A NINETEEN. Then I threw mozzarella sticks at that drunk heckling asshole and killed him. (Half of this tweet is true.) 9:47 PM Sep 12th

dasbecca (blog) Things I should not have to say: “Addie, please. Cover your lady business at the dinner table.” 6:48 PM Sep 13th

mooshinindy (blog) I can tell it’s fall because all the conversations I have with myself in my head have football in the background. 10:07 PM Sep 14th

JanePitt (blog) Optimism: The Oakland Raiders fan on my TV last night who after Oakland’s first touchdown started screaming “SUPERBOWL!!!” into the camera. 5:56 PM Sep 15th

CranberryPerson You’re mad he left $1 but didn’t take the tooth? Well maybe the tooth fairy has a stressful job and doesn’t need this kind of grief at home. 11:08 AM Sep 16th

Torrie (blog) I think next time I want to watch a specific show on TV that isn’t on I will refuse to eat my breakfast and throw a fit. 7:34 AM Sep 17th

kirida (blog) Going to hear the heartbeat today, unless my multiple layers of cheeto-induced belly fat muffles the sound. 12:06 PM Sep 17th

jonniker (blog) Spent last night making homemade organic applesauce for my kid. I feel both virtuous, and kind of like I want to punch myself in the face. 1:36 PM Sep 17th

pgha (blog) Home again, home again, I barely recognize the place. George redecorated with a new art installation. He calls it “Neglect.” 10:17 PM Sep 17th

burghbaby (blog) Highlight of yesterday: Kid hands me a dripping wet bracelet. Me: “Why is this wet?” Her: “It fell in the toilet when I was pooping.” 9:17 AM Sep 18th

melissity (blog) Had impure thoughts about the Hostess truck in front of me on the way to work earlier. 1:32 PM Sep 18th

Sundry (blog) Marking off a major life goal in a to-do list app is kind of anticlimactic. Feature request: CONFETTI. 1:24 PM Sep 21st

ohhkatrina people that use their facebook statuses as a continuous shout out to god freak me the hell out. he’d obviously be a twitter man. 2:41 PM Sep 21st

AllisonB (blog) I declare it ice cream o’clock. 9:42 PM Sep 21st

loveisblonde (blog) I have been a Productivity Rockstar this morning. Probably because I am drinking coffee from a mug decorated with cats dressed up as cowboys 12:25 PM Sep 22nd

SarahLena (blog) My child is throwing an I AM NOT TIRED overtired tantrum of massive proportions. Am manually tying ovaries as we speak. DOUBLE KNOTTED. 4:33 PM Sep 22nd

2 Comments

  1. samantha jo campen
    @samanthajcampen

    Okay, a handful of those made me laugh out loud. Well played, Twitter.
    .-= samantha jo campen’s last blog post: The Sound =-.

    Sep 23 1:15 pm


  2. sparkyd

    I love favortweets. Much laughter. In fact, I just joined twitter hoping to get some daily laughs without relying on your list. Sadly I’m not so amusing myself.

    Sep 24 10:10 pm