Comments on: so no one told you life was gonna be this way

By: Priscilla

Priscilla — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 20:29:20 +0000

haha…I just read my comment and when I said, “you are a good person”….does that remind you of a certain 7th grade math teacher?!

By: sparkyd

sparkyd — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 17:26:32 +0000

I don’t have any specific feeling guilty/jealous stories to share (although those were probably elements that just didn’t recognize at the time), but I did have to let go of what had been a very close friendship several years ago because I just didn’t have the energy to deal with it anymore. I had been soooo close to this person. We lived together, had done some travelling, talked on the phone for ages when I lived out of town etc., etc. Then some stuff happened and instead of her working it out with me she withdrew and turned to the new guy in her life and cast me aside. A couple of overtures by her (with written apologies and flowers, even) to maintain the friendship were made and there seemed to be hope, but the actual follow-through and actions instead of lip-service just weren’t there. I had to cut the cord. It’s sad. But I guess that’s just the way things go sometimes.

By: Kelly

Kelly — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 17:18:57 +0000

I’m with Allison on this one, lost my patience for girls a long time ago. I’ve been Jealous, I’ve been Guilty, I’ve been the Outcast. Girls are just too judgmental and if I don’t meet your prissy standards without jumping through hoops, well, you just aren’t worth my time.

On the other hand:
You can’t stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.
-Winnie the Pooh

By: Sunshine

Sunshine — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 13:06:15 +0000

It’s hard to be friends with women. It’s also hard to toe-the-line and know when to speak up about things being/turning uncomfortable and when to just let it slide.

I know you don’t want to hurt your friend, but would it even be possible to talk it out? I mean, just to get it out in the open? Sometimes that makes issues so much less of a big deal. And, unfortunately, sometimes, it makes them a bigger deal…but then (again, unfortunately) you’ll have your answer about how good of friends you two really are.

And, at the risk of sounding cheesy – REAL friends, though, in my opinion, don’t stay jealous. There are moments, I suppose, where we can look at each other, and wish we had what they had, or whatever, but if the person is really truly a friend, you know they worked hard for it, or waited a long time for it, or absolutely deserve it, and you can be GENUINELY happy for them. And only a teensy bit jealous. :)

By: Allison

Allison — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 02:36:03 +0000

I don’t have any advice, unfortunately. I’ve never really been much of a girls girl. Growing up I was always friends with one or two girls, but mostly boys.

The jealousy thing is tough, as is the guilty. I hope you can find a way to work it out with your friend…just talk about it–sometimes hashing everything out is all it takes.

By: Bethany

Bethany — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 01:45:21 +0000

Jen,
Being a woman is difficult. We play a strange role in the world. We have to support and encourage our husbands, we have to raise and love children, we have family obligations, etc. It seems that whatever time we have left for ourselves is spent venting or resting. It is hard to squeeze in friendship time. And just my word choice of “squeeze” shows where it falls on my priority list.
I have found that I turn to my mom and sister for my friendship needs. Most of the time this works out just fine, but I fear that my friends need me to invest in them more.
I suppose I would encourage you to not feel guilty about whatever blessings come your way. A real friend will eventually realize that she loves you more than she wants what you have. And, I would think, knowing the great girl that you are, that when those natural feelings of jealousy and wantonness pop up, that you will be honest about your feelings, be happy for your friend, and count your blessings.

By: Priscilla

Priscilla — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 00:47:45 +0000

I don’t know what to say, it seems lots of us are having friendship difficulties right now!!

If you figure it all out, let me know! I have known you for…let’s see….18 years or so?! You have always been kind, caring, supportive and just awesome. I hope you know that you are a good person and a great friend.

Maybe the whole seasons of friendship thing is true…it seems to make sense.

By: kirida

kirida — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 05:50:26 +0000

I nodded my head so much while reading this. I’m neither the feeling guilty or the jealous friend, i’m the friend in mourning because other friends are no longer the same and I have to move on from the good memories and accept the way things are now. You’re right, it is a cycle and oftentimes it doesn’t have to be, we can still be adults and happy for each other in good times and supportive in less happy ones. *sigh*

By: Andrea

Andrea — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 04:38:52 +0000

I thought the whole jealousy and competition thing ended after high school!?!? Guess I was wrong- Sheesh. :)

I have to be honest, I’ve been on both ends…. When I was the Feeling Guilty Friend, I tried to not be give advice (never worked,) be defensive (I’m not going to apologize for making good decisions,) and I tried not talk about the things that made the other person feel, inadequate (not sure if that’s the right word.) Our problem was always about finances. So, the Jealous Friend was always complaining to me about their troubles. Now, that the Jealous Friend is back on their feet, they are always telling me (bragging) about all the cool, new stuff they have. It’s just too much for me, so I’ve just let the friendship slide. And apparently they feel the same way b/c we haven’t talked in QUITE a while.

When I was the Jealous Friend, I was trying so hard NOT to be the Jealous Friend…. But I was, and I knew it. Outwardly, I don’t think I burned any bridges, but I also don’t know that for sure. I was trying to get pregnant for years and everyone around me was having babies. It wasn’t one particular person, it was just the timing of everyone! (Yes, all you friends with two and three year olds, I’m talking about you….) :) It helped if I actually told people what was going on. Everyone was always so supportive, it was hard to be upset. And then I finally had a kid… Who knows when life situations will change for your Jealous Friend and make things instantly better from her end. That doesn’t mean instantly YOU will feel better and your relationship will be healed, but then it may be something that both of you can stop focusing on.

I think, as the Feeling Guilty Friend, all you can do is be understanding and honestly try not to feel guilty for your _____ (success, nice hair, smart kid, or whatever the problem is…) Also, I don’t think there’s a whole lot you can do if the Jealous Friend doesn’t want to share (or even admit) what’s going on… But, #1 it never hurts to ask kindly (I think there’s no need to “call someone out.” Personally, I think if it’s coming to that, just let the friendship slip away. I think there’s no recovering from a harsh confrontation.) And #2 keep in mind, you may be surprised- the problem may not be exactly what you think it is….

Now that I wrote a book, Good Luck! and *hugs*

PS- I just want to air this out between us… I’m one of your Jealous Friends…. When you lost all that weight after Maggie, and your butt was shrinking and your boobs were GROWING! That, my friend, is totally not fair! :) *Phew* I feel better! :)

By: Melissa

Melissa — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 02:00:01 +0000

Yep. I feel ya. I’m the same way, my internet friends know more about me than most of my real life friends do! heh.

I am the Feeling Guilty Friend when it comes to two particular Jealous Friends of mine. I was the one who had a boyfriend first, got married first, lost a lot of weight, etc. And I think it speaks volumes that I am now over 21 weeks pregnant and these two close long-time friends DO NOT YET KNOW. They are sisters, and I can’t tell one without the other… so I haven’t told either of them yet. This is because one of them has been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half, unsuccessfully, and she has been extremely jealous of my four fast conceptions (despite the two miscarriages). This has come between us and it hurts me a lot because of course I WANT her to be happy, and she probably has no idea that I pray for her every single night. But her jealousy makes everything so uncomfortable. I dread making the Big News phone call this week.

I wish I had some advice, but I’m trying to figure this out too! I guess it’s only natural that friendships either evolve or fade over time, and new friendships develop, and it’s a constant cycle. But you are a great person and anyone would be lucky to have you in their lives to any degree.

P.S. I sang the post title in my head, complete with clapping. Hee :)