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dealing with The Problem


Since she was about 3 months old, Maggie has been sleeping through the night. We were, of course, ecstatic when that milestone came along, having been constantly sleep deprived for 12 weeks.

Sometime around 6 or 7 months old, she started fighting bedtime. She still slept all night, but getting her to fall asleep was an Epic Battle. It sometimes took TWO HOURS of rocking and reading books and snuggling and singing (I cannot even estimate how many times I sang The Wheels On The Bus last October through December. IT WAS A LOT.) before she would finally zonk out- and by that time it was usually 10:00 or later… so our evening was over and it was time for us to go to bed as well. Needless to say, this got very old very quickly. So after a month or so of trying everything, we finally decided to try the ‘Cry It Out’ method.

The ‘Cry It Out’ method can be a pretty controversial one. Parents usually either swear by it or think it’s borderline child abuse. But I’m here to tell you- IT WORKS. We did the ‘progressive check’ thing- go in and check on her after 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, etc. And within a week, Maggie was falling asleep on her own at bedtime pretty consistently. We couldn’t believe it! Now, it wasn’t easy to do. It is a very simple concept, but it can be difficult to stick to your guns and it can be very upsetting to listen to your kid cry out for you and do nothing.

But we made it through and things got back to normal. She slept all night for months, with the occasional interruption if she was sick or teething or something. And even if she did wake up for a random reason, it was usually just a quick search for her pacifier and she was back down and sleeping.

Until a few weeks ago.

She recently started waking a lot, and just making sure she had her pacifier wasn’t doing the trick. She did have a little bit of a cold, so I would bring her out to the couch to snuggle. It usually only took about 10 minutes- she was back to sleep, and then so was I.

The older she gets, obviously the more aware she is of how things work. Which in most cases is a good thing. But for sleeping, not so much. Her cold is gone, and she’s fine. But the waking is still happening. And the 10 minute snuggle on the couch isn’t working anymore. Now those quick waking periods have turned into 2 hour battles of me getting her to fall sleep on me, and then I’ll carry her back to her crib. She’s asleep the ENTIRE TIME, and then as soon as she feels me lay her back in her crib, she wakes up and starts crying again. I cannot even express to you the frustration and exhaustion and Nearly every night last week, she was up for at least one 2-hour period.

It’s possible that she’s teething, but SERIOUSLY? What’s coming through her gums, steel rods??! If she is teething, it’s still ridiculous that she’s up for 2 hours each night just for that. We really think that what we’re dealing with is separation anxiety. Nothing is visibly wrong with her, and as soon as we pick her up, she stops crying and she’s fine.

And how do you combat this? She wants her mommy and daddy… you can’t fault the kid for that. But we have to somehow teach her that it’s not okay to scream her head off for hours on end in the middle of the night just because she wants to go sit on the couch with us. At almost 20 months old, she is WAY too old to be waking in the night when she’s healthy.

So last night, at 2:30am, we let her cry it out. FOR NINETY MINUTES.

It was horrible. There is nothing that can make you feel worse than hearing your kid hiccuping and crying and saying ‘MOMMY! DADDY!’ through her tears (well, actually, in our defense, there were NO TEARS. She was totally faking.) I went in every ten minutes or so to lay her back down and make sure she was alright, and at one point she was standing up by the side of her crib, so I knelt down with my face on her level and caressed her head to calm her down. She quieted for a moment, laid her head down on her blanket that she was holding, and looked at me with those eyes of hers, hiccuping and sighing. I talked to her quietly, asking (PLEADING WITH!) her to just lay down and go to sleep, and we would play in the morning. And then I had to WALK OUT OF THE ROOM. She started screaming again. And then my heart broke.

Dan and I lay in bed, both fighting the urge to go in and pick her up, if for no other reason than to STOP THE SCREAMING, OH MY GOSH. But we both knew that if we did, it wouldn’t solve anything. Tough love, baby. And it is TOUGH, let me tell you.

She finally fell back to sleep around 4am. And so did we… and we all slept in until 9. She woke up and was happy to see us, so apparently we didn’t scar her for life or anything.

It was a draining night. Who knows if it worked at all… only time will tell. We’ve prepared ourselves for the possibility that we’ll need to do this for the next several nights.

I hesitated to post about this, because I know how sensitive some people can get about the Cry It Out method of sleep training. But we are exhausted and frustrated and honestly, so is Maggie. We just want everyone to be back to normal and sleeping again. If it takes a few rough nights of her fussing to get us there, I’ll do it. We’re desperate. And if it helps someone else who might be going through the same frustrations as we are, then it’s worth posting about. So please, don’t be all Internet Judgey McJudgerson about this. KTHXBAI.

I’ll keep you posted on our progress. Until then- WISH US A PEACEFUL NIGHT TONIGHT!

(PS- In other news- a new blog design! I’m still tweaking some stuff here and there, getting the archives set up and organized and all that. But if you’re reading in a feed reader, click through and you’ll see something new!)

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29 Comments


  1. Corrie

    Nov 16 at 9:06 pm

    I would never judge, but we can form a club, the “Our Kids Wake Us Up In The Middle Of The Night AND WTF Is Up With That?” club. We can call it the OKWUUITMOTNAWTFIUWT for short.

    I swear to you, I am loosing my mind. Joey is almost 6 and wakes up EVERY night. I am totally typing this from his room because he woke up and when I told him to go back to bed he started to yell and I didn’t want him to wake the other kids.

    Aivlene wakes up 2-5 times a night. I think she is planning on driving me insane. I am sleep deprived. She yells and carries on. She tells me she’s so scared, so sad or so lonely. I just want to sleep.

    I know I am bogarting your comments but can I just say that all I want in life, besides a Nikon D80 is for my kids to go to bed by 8:30. I need that. I am with them all day, well just Aivlene but you know, then I work. I need some down time. I didn’t go to bed until 1 last night because Joey had a hissy fit until MIDNIGHT about falling asleep. I knew Aivlene would wake up three times after that. Then Joey woke up at 6 and was carrying on and then Aivlene woke up. WTF people!

    I am with you on this one. I am asking Santa for my kids to sleep for Christmas.

    Corries last blog post: Maker of Lists



  2. PRISCILLA

    Nov 16 at 9:33 pm

    We use the Cry It Out method as well. At Lincoln’s six month checkup, I asked the ped. what we can do to make him sleep through the night. She told us to let him cry because he had no need to get up. She said that it may take a week with several hours of crying each night. The first night we did it?…he cried for less than a half hour and hasn’t woken up since!

    Hopefully she will realize that she is okay and sleep more for you guys!!

    PRISCILLAs last blog post: Get Your Motor Running



  3. PRISCILLA

    Nov 16 at 9:33 pm

    I totally meant that he hasn’t woken up during the night since….obviously he has woken up!

    PRISCILLAs last blog post: Get Your Motor Running



  4. BethanyWD

    Nov 16 at 9:34 pm

    You will not hear “boo” from me regarding the cry it our (which I actually call “helping them learn how to sleep). Now, we’re not perfect at our house (these darn kids are so unpredictable!), but since we taught them how to get themselves to sleep at about 4-5 months, they’ve been sleeping great since then. (we night weaned by 5 months, too) My 5 year old gets up by 6:30 without fail and still enjoys climbing into bed with us in the middle of the night (but doesn’t wake us up in the process, so fine by me!). He’s in kindergarten, so he’s EXHAUSTED, and falls easily asleep by 7:30pm. My 3 year old goes to bed around the same time, but it takes her 30-40 minutes to get to sleep (she happily plays in her bed, which is okay with us). She will occasionally sleep until 7:30-8am.

    I think you and Dan are onto a great solution. You didn’t mean to, but she learned if she screamed loud enough, she would get a special snuggle on the couch. She needs the sleep and so do you! And you can still provide special snuggles on the couch during daylight hours…=)



  5. MommyJ

    Nov 16 at 9:42 pm

    I promise no judging. :) Four babies worth of experience has taught me that teaching babies to sleep on their own is not a bad thing at all… with my twins, we had no choice… you can’t really rock and cuddle two babies to sleep at the same time! You do what works, and no one knows what works for your kids better than you. My baby right now is 19 months old, and we’ve gone through a few similar episodes… I’ve done some standing at the door sternly saying, “Henry, lay down!!” cause he’s just fussing for the fun of it. Just testing boundaries… and you can’t hardly blame them. They’re finally old enough to recognize how fun it is to be with Mom and Dad, and to connect their own actions with a desired outcome. Consider it a sign of Maggie’s intelligence!

    I hope all goes well in the nights to come. :)

    MommyJs last blog post: Football burritos and double standards.



  6. the ambitious mrs

    Nov 16 at 9:59 pm

    I know all about this battle. We also did the cry it out method long long ago and bedtime has always been no problem for us every since. But nighttime wakings have continued to be a problem, especially lately. I’ve been reading all kinds of books and websites trying to find a solution! The only advice I’ve found is to put them to bed earlier, which we have been doing and having some luck with. We may get to the point of letting her cry it out in the night but so far we haven’t gotten there. Good luck!

    the ambitious mrss last blog post: And We Didn’t Even Spend It All



  7. Irene

    Nov 16 at 10:15 pm

    Funny thing…I actually started writing a comment to you a few days ago asking if you had tried the cry it out method. And then I just deleted it because it is so controversial and some people get really fired up if you mention it. And I didn’t want to offend you.

    Anyway, BEFORE kids, I was against it. Yeah, now I have 3 kids and I am its biggest proponent!

    I did it with Christina at 9 mo, worked like a charm! With Kallie, we again did it at about 9 mo and it worked great. But then we had to do it again when she a little over a year. She has always been so much more difficult.

    Yes, it is hard letting them cry, but, as you saw, it is amazing how it works and how are kids just fine. I think they just get in a habit and, unfortunately, we need to break it or all of us suffer. Just like many many many other things that our kiddos start doing and we have to be the bad guy and tell them “enough”. I will bet that, yes, she cried for 90 minutes the first time, but the next time it will be SO much shorter. And before you know it, you will all be happily snoozing all night long!!!!

    Oh, I we may actually be even needing to do it again as Kallie, at 3 1/2, is starting to wake many nights! Crazy! We go in, rub her head for a second, done. But really, she is WAY to old for this!

    Kids. Fun aren’t they!??

    Irenes last blog post: Why don’t we all sing ourselves to sleep?



  8. Melissa

    Nov 16 at 10:23 pm

    Letting a child cry is certainly not cruel if they’re crying because they want to stay up and play all night. Rest is SO important, for both kids AND parents. I have never understood why mothers judge other mothers when WE ALL KNOW how bad it sucks to function on a few hours of sleep!

    We used the same method with Oliver when he was a baby, and sticking with a strict routine (ONE book, kisses, then we leave) has made bedtime easy and peaceful for all of us. It was really hard those first few days, but that’s all it took, and it’s totally worth it. I credit a lot of his good health and his almost-always good MOOD to all that good rest. Part of love is trust, and he saw that we DID come when something was wrong (like when he cried because he got his poor foot stuck between the rails a few months ago). If he doesn’t cry 99% of the time, we know to go in *immediately* if he DOES cry. So he knows bedtime is not negotiable, but he also knows without a doubt that Mama & Apu would come running if he truly needed us. He’s a happy kid and he still loves us, and we all sleep good at night–so I know we did the right thing for us.

    Hang in there! Maggie will be just fine. You are doing this in HER best interest, too. I hope you all sleep better from now on! *hugs*

    Melissas last blog post: mail call 2008!



  9. Becca

    Nov 16 at 10:32 pm

    Love the design! As far as your parenting methods, I think whatever works best for you guys and Maggie is the best method. We have friends who are parents and they use the crying method as well. It’s part of a bigger system, I don’t remember what that includes sign language and other stuff. It’s supposed to be the best thing there is because it teaches the kid that they aren’t the only human there and it’s not hurting the kid.



  10. Andrea

    Nov 16 at 10:40 pm

    You’ll be in our prayers for the next few nights while you’re going through this! I know they’ll be tough, but hang in there!!!



  11. Laura

    Nov 16 at 11:42 pm

    Poor you! I am so sympathetic. And I think I win the Bad Mom Award, because when Andrew is crying in his crib because he wants to get up, and there’s nothing wrong, I don’t feel bad at all. In fact, I just get *angry* and my resolve to not go in there strengthens. Two can DEFINITELY play that game, and I will WIN. :P
    Still, he’s never fought sleep in his life, and for that I am grateful. He is a sleepy sleeperton, like his mommy.
    This too will pass, like all things, but not before it drives you completely insane. ;)

    Lauras last blog post: card call



  12. Steph

    Nov 17 at 12:02 am

    A few months ago, Heidi started doing the same. Waking up at night and screaming. It lasted for almost a month. But I am sure its because I would get out of bed, bring her into my room and then we’d all be happy and go back to sleep. (I’d be happy because I didn’t “really” deal with it but at least she was sleeping).

    Then, after many arguments with the hubs, we decided we have to let her scream (cry..as you put it) it out. She did (which was absolute torture) for about 2 weeks, and then she stopped. It works. Its hard but it works. And it doesn’t mean that I don’t love her.

    Another thing we did sort of recently was we removed the crib rail and converted it into the day bed. She loved the transition.

    Stephs last blog post: My Subconscious Turmoil



  13. Sunshine

    Nov 17 at 8:03 am

    Oh Jen, you’re not alone, and it gets better and sometimes it gets worse…and eventually they go off to college and sleep somewhere else! :)



  14. JenniferC

    Nov 17 at 8:10 am

    Love the new design!

    Re: CIO, no judging here. Just lots of fingers (and maybe eyes) crossed that it’ll only take a night or two to get her back on track.

    We struggled with something very similar for years (eep – sorry, didn’t mean to scare you). Illness was always the setback trigger. I almost wished for a bubble to stick her in just so she’d stop getting sick and stop wanting to sleep in our bed.

    JenniferCs last blog post: Wordless Wednesday: Me and my shadow



  15. Jaime

    Nov 17 at 8:35 am

    My kid is younger than Maggie but we’ve done the same thing. She’d wake up and just want us. My husband “makes” me wait at least 15 minutes (after the initial check to make sure she’s ok) to go check on her. If she’s going through a bad spell, sometimes it will take an hour or so but she usually gets the picture pretty quickly.

    Hopefully things will get better soon!

    Jaimes last blog post: All I want for Christmas



  16. Jenn W

    Nov 17 at 10:29 am

    I guess I would see NOT letting them learn how to go back to sleep on their own as mean! For some reason, these kids don’t come out of the belly knowing how to sleep (most kids, anyway!). It is so hard to listen to them cry and carry on, but keep telling yourself that she really IS okay and she really won’t be scarred for life :) Our 3 1/2 yr. old has sleep issues now. Until we moved her out of the crib, she was an awesome sleeper–at least 12hrs. a night. And even when she did wake up in the mornings, I never heard her b/c she was happy to sit in there and play until I woke up and heard her playing. Not so much now, but that’s a whole different story (don’t do the big bed change only a couple months before a new baby comes and while she’s sick…not a good outcome!).
    Anyway, all that to say it will get better if you’re consistent and stick to your guns! Rest is so important and everyone will be happier in the end. Praying for lots more sleep tonight for all of us!! ha

    Jenn Ws last blog post: Wedding ring



  17. red pen mama

    Nov 17 at 1:27 pm

    First: Love the design. Very cool. Exactly the type of thing I would do if I could code.

    Second: You are doing the right thing trying to teach Maggie how to sleep. Good Luck. You have my sympathy — we were, overall, very lucky in the sleep department with our girls.

    ciao,
    rpm

    red pen mamas last blog post: How to Turn a Shopping FAIL into a Shopping WIN



  18. Rachie

    Nov 17 at 1:41 pm

    Of course I can’t compare it to anything but I think we would try the Cry It Out method too. I wish you luck and hope that you don’t have to put up with it much longer.

    This layout is gorgeous btw. Very simple and clean. Love it.

    Rachies last blog post: 16 hours down



  19. janet

    Nov 17 at 4:03 pm

    from everything I’ve read/heard, CIO sucks to do, but it WORKS. and I highly doubt Maggie will be scarred by it. Good luck! :)

    janets last blog post: eleven eleven



  20. Jaime

    Nov 17 at 4:16 pm

    I thought of another thing. For us, it usually works better if my husband is the one who goes in to lay her down. It usually only takes him one time in and she’s asleep. The jury is still out on whether she knows that he won’t give in to her cries and I will or she’s slightly less attached to him right now, than to me. It works!

    We both work (he works a bit more than me) so I don’t feel too guilty asking him for night-time help, although I usually shoulder the brunt of that responsibility.

    Jaimes last blog post: Not a whole lot. . . .



  21. Allison

    Nov 17 at 5:16 pm

    Ugh :( I feel your pain. I’m not much of the CIO myself, but I do let him cry a bit because often he’s faking it ;)

    I hope she gets back on track. I’m sure she will.

    And can I just say that I am SO jealous that she started sleeping through the night at 3 months!

    Allisons last blog post: Digging for Gold



  22. Burgh Baby

    Nov 17 at 7:11 pm

    I have a feeling Maggie and Alexis are cut of the same cloth. Not that I’m trying to say you’re stuck with a I Want to Cuddle All the Time Sleeper who is still going to be fighting you two years from now, but y’know. We tried CIO. A lot. It worked for a while, right up until it didn’t.

    At least we can be sleep-deprived together.

    Burgh Babys last blog post: Splish Jump Score



  23. Holly

    Nov 17 at 7:14 pm

    I did the CIO for both. Hard, but it worked for me. You gotta do what ya gotta do. Judgey McJudgersons can go fly a kite. Just my 2 cents.

    Hollys last blog post: fortune cookies & chopsticks: part 2



  24. Jen

    Nov 18 at 9:17 am

    @BethanyWD: You are so right- that’s exactly what happened! When she was sick, we took her to the couch for a snuggle. Then she figured out ‘hey, this is cool!’ and didn’t want it to end. So now we have to un-teach her that :/ Thankfully after Night #3, it seems to be working! But yeah, definitely not a fun training period…



  25. Jen

    Nov 18 at 9:19 am

    @MommyJ: LOL yeah I guess looking at it as a sign of her smarts is a good way of seeing it! It’s so true, she’s totally working us!! Especially with the no tears thing, the big faker :P It seems like the CIO is working, only 5 mins last night at 4:30am!



  26. Jen

    Nov 18 at 9:21 am

    @Laura: Oh the anger and frustration is a HUGE part of it. There have been doors slammed and pacifiers thrown… and not by the kid in the house ;) It’s been the most frustrating thing I have ever done, by far. The only time I start feeling bad is when it gets so bad she’s practically hyperventilating and choking… then the guilt sets in :/ Not a good combo with frustration and anger!!



  27. Jim

    Nov 19 at 8:15 am

    I’ve lurked here for years and now I have something to comment on!

    Letting your child cry it out is the hardest and best thing you can do. The techniques should be emailed to every new parent 6-9 months AFTER their baby is born. I resisted it and fought with my wife over doing it but in the end, looking back, the best thing we ever did. I remember laying in bed, mad as Hell that we had to do it, but it WORKS!

    Unfortunately, first-time parents often hear about it AFTER their kids learn to talk. There is nothing worse than having your kids scream for you, then your wife/husband, then back. You feel like you’ve abandoned your child. It’s so hard. SO HARD! But, after 3-5 days the change is amazing.

    We had a relapse with my daughter after she transitioned to her toddler bed so we went BACK to the book to find out what to do when there is no crib and your kids can “get out” and the advice – again – was awesome. It suggested a child safety gate at the door to your kid’s room and then treat the room as a crib.

    Anyhow, there’s nothing worse than not sleeping and having your poor little one miserable all day because they’re exhausted. No allow your children to carry on at night and not sleep only to make you short-tempered with them is cruel. Letting them cry themselves to sleep is FAR from cruel.

    I hope it gets easier for you guys and keep doing it. It does work. GOOD LUCK!



  28. Jen

    Nov 19 at 3:27 pm

    @Jim: oh I totally agree! We did do this last year (she was around 9 months) but that was for going to bed at night- not staying asleep later. So I guess it’s just something a lot of kids go through at this age- sleep regression. IT SUCKS. lol But the last 2 nights have been SOOO much better, so I’m hoping the worst is behind us.

    The tip about the gate on the room is great too- I keep thinking ahead to when she can get out of her bed on her own and I start to panic a bit! I want to keep her in her ‘cage’ as long as I can!!!



  29. Grace

    Nov 20 at 7:23 pm

    I’m glad there are still people out there who believe in this method. MANY people think it is bad for your child, when in reality you are really just being a good parent. A good parent is to teach your child the basics of life: when it’s time to go to bed, GO TO BED. It pains me to see couples have children who literally run their lives. Somehow, they’re not the parents anymore…it’s turned into “whatever the child wants, the child gets.” That’s not always good!

    Getting a child to sleep can be a huge pain in the butt, but exerting your authority as a parent to teach them the right times to do things (appropriate times to sleep, eat, play, etc) is rewarding for everyone.