Poop-casso

Hi! What did you do today? Did you spend 3 hours trying to get your child to quit whining and just TAKE A NAP ALREADY? Only to have her PAINT HER CRIB WITH POOP?

No? Well, you totally should have come over to our house, because that’s what we did! You really missed out on the fun. We’ll try and call you next time so you can be there for the festivities. (Dear God, Please let there not be a ‘Next Time’. Love, Me.)

Today started awesome. (And it ended pretty good too, thankfully.) After 2 nights of not sleeping very well, thanks to a cold and some teething (why do they ALWAYS happen at the same time?) Maggie slept through the night and we all woke up at 8:40. EIGHT-FORTY! Praise the heavens! Got up, had breakfast, cleaned up the kitchen, Maggie and Dan went outside to play.

Everything was fine until around 11 when Maggie walked into her room and pointed to her crib, like she wanted to take a nap. Okay then! I said, let’s take a nap! Twenty minutes later, she still wasn’t sleeping and was fussing, so I brought her out and gave her some lunch. Tried the nap thing again after a while. She seemed into the whole idea and was quiet in her room for a while. Then I heard her crying again, so I went in to investigate.

As soon as I opened the door, I could smell it. I said, Did you poop?

Nooooo, she said, shaking her head. Of course I knew she was lying, I could totally smell it. And then… I SAW IT.

On the crib rails. On her hands. On her back. On the back of her pants. (Thankfully not on her face or her mouth or OH MY GOSH I WOULD HAVE PUKED.)

You see, she has recently taken to this habit, a very Al Bundy-type habit, of sticking her hand down the back of her diaper when she’s just kind of hanging out. I keep telling her ‘Get your hands out of your pants, please.‘ but she just keeps doing it. And up until now, it’s been okay. Clean diapers, you see. But this time… not so much.

As soon as anything like this happens as a parent- puking, poop everywhere, whatever- you instantly click into Survival Mode. Must be something that happens when you birth a kid, I dunno. What do I need to do to a) contain the mess? and b) clean it up? Dan was downstairs working out, listening to his iPod and I knew he would never hear me yelling for him. I picked her up and just kept saying ‘Don’t touch anything! Keep your hands up!‘ and she (mercifully) listened to me. I stripped her down, tried to wipe things up as best I could, all the while I was stomping on the floor as hard as I could to try to get Dan’s attention. Amazingly enough, it worked after a few minutes (but not before I had Maggie cracking up at my goofy stomping. What a sight we were- me stomping around with my poo-covered kid laughing at me.)

Dan came in, and I told him Fill the tub! We have poop! I got her in and cleaned up, and Dan changed her sheets, cleaned (and Lysoled!!) her crib rails, and everything was back to normal (except for the faint odor in her room… heh.)

But then, SHE DID NOT NAP. We were supposed to be going to his grandma’s house later for a birthday party, so she REALLY needed to take a nap. But soon it was nearly 3pm and she was showing no signs of slowing down. We tried all the usual tricks, but nothing worked. Finally we loaded up the car, took the long way to Target, and by the time we got there, she was out. Dan went in to get a few things while I sat in the parking lot with a sleeping kid and Dan’s Blackberry to keep me entertained. Thankfully she slept until we got to his grandma’s house, so she had a good hour nap. Not her usual 2 hour nap, but it was better than nothing.

And then? After being Ms. Cranky-Pants McNotGonnaNapToday? She was an absolute ANGEL at the party. Seriously. Totally charming the pants off of everybody, never whined or fussed once, performing all of her ‘tricks’ (‘What’s a chicken say? What’s a duck say?‘ This is totally why people have kids, it’s like a constant variety show!) Why do kids do this? Parents tell horror stories of miserable, cranky kids, but it seems like family and friends always get to see the Good Side. Which is obviously a good thing in this case, because Dan and I were able to take a breather for a few hours and let everyone else watch our kid and just have a few moments of peace at the end of a crazy, crazy week.

So, the day ended just fine. Started well, ended well… just with some poop in between. A poo-sandwich, if you will.

Also: You are welcome for the free birth control.

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