in which I try to find balance.

This getting back to work thing is kicking my ass.

Seriously, it is way harder than I imagined it in my head, as a non-Mom, way back when. I guess that’s just the way it is, when you’ve never had to take care of a baby around-the-clock before: I had no idea what I was talking about. And I don’t at all mean that to sound condescending to people who don’t have kids or babies… there’s nothing wrong with that! Until you experience something first-hand, anything, you really have no idea what you’re talking about. And boy, was I delusional!

Maggie is a great baby. SO GREAT. She rarely cries unless she is hungry, and she is pretty much sleeping through the night now (last night from 9pm until 7am, the little ANGEL!!) However, she has decided that daytime napping is for pussies, and refuses to sleep for longer than an hour, and even that is a miracle if it happens. And it only happens maybe twice, maybe three times throughout the day. During those naps, I have to squeeze in any number of tasks, including:

1. eating breakfast
2. brushing my teeth
3. cleaning her bottles
4. cleaning up the kitchen, empty/fill the dishwasher, run it if it needs it
5. folding laundry (not every day, but most days)
6. showering
7. eating lunch
8. exercising (may seem unnecessary, but I’d like to be able to wear pants with buttons again without feeling like I’m getting cut in half when I sit down. It’d be nice.)
9. grocery shopping (again, not every day, but it’s quite the production.)
10. planning something for dinner; cooking dinner
11. cleaning (um… YEAH. OKAY.)
12. working (um… YEAH. OKAY. AGAIN.)

As you can see, my days are filled with thrilling excitement! And also, filled with a constant feeling of never being caught up.

Daycare Wednesdays ARE helping, of course. Having one day to set aside for Work And Stuff is immensely helpful, both practically and mentally. But I am not even particularly busy with work yet, just a few small odds and ends. When I get more projects on my plate, how is this all going to be possible?

Part of me says, well, then just don’t get more projects on your plate. Don’t take on too much- just one or two things at a time. But that doesn’t work so well. For one thing, we need the money to pay those things called Bills. But more than that… I feel like I worked so hard to get my business going and build a client base and now I’m just going to walk away and say ‘No thanks, I can’t.’? No thanks, I can’t. I don’t want to- I love what I do, but I also love my baby and trying to find a way to fit it all in? HARDER THAN IT SOUNDED.

On top of all of that, there’s the whole other thing: Being A Wife. My dear husband has been incredibly patient and understanding about my need to recover and adjust to my new role. But I know he’s about done being a good little boy and waiting for me to get back to my old self as far as Wifely stuff goes. And I’m trying, it’s just… I feel gross most of the time (Hello, Extra 20+ Pounds from Pregnancy) and tired and when I get some time to myself in the evenings after Maggie is asleep, I just want to watch pointless tv or catch up on work I didn’t get done during the day or, I don’t know, SLEEP. How do you ladies with kids and jobs, or just kids, or heck, even just demanding jobs… how do you keep a balance there with the Husband? Dan joked the other night that he was going to go find an old white Pontiac Grand Am and see if that stirred things up. (He drove his parents’ Grand Am when we started dating in high school… that’s all I’m sayin’. *insert girlie-giggle here*)

Really, there’s not a huge point to this entry. I don’t expect to solve all my troubles in a few paragraphs or even explain half of them. It’s just stuff that’s been floating around in my head and I need to get it out. Venting. It’s the New Black.

In other news, my new laptop arrived earlier this week and it is sexy and fast and whispers sweet nothings into my ear. Seriously, Gmail loads instantaneously on it, as opposed to being 5 or 10 words behind me as I type. An improvement over our other piece of crap. The downside is that for some reason our desktop has decided it likes to connect to our neighbor’s wireless network rather than to ours all of a sudden, even though we tell it SPECIFICALLY to connect to ours, but nope, it wants theirs. It’s been busy being slutty. Dan spent close to 3 hours each night this week trying to fix it, but nothing is working. So all my precious files are stuck on there so I have this silly backup drive hooked up to my new laptop so I can do work. So much for being wireless, I’ve got cords all over my lap! Ah well, at least the internet is working!

Also, I have cleaning people coming on Tuesday to give me a quote. I know I said before that we decided to do daycare instead of cleaning people, but now I’ve suddenly decided that maybe doing both isn’t such a bad thing. Dan’s feeling is, wouldn’t I rather be working than cleaning? And I say, Hell yes! And if not having to worry about keeping my house clean will allow me to take on another job or two each month, that’s totally worth it, right? Convince me it’s not ridiculous to have someone at my house cleaning while I’m sitting on the couch ‘playing’ on the computer. Because that seriously is what it feels like to me. Of course, nothing is set in stone- I still have to find out how much cash they want and all that… but I’m pretty sure we’ll go for it, at least for a little while. Because this? Is not something I can keep up with right now:

gag me with a spoon

The hiring of a cleaning person makes me feel so self-conscious. I’m almost embarrassed to tell people we’re thinking about it, it seems so… extravagant. For one thing, it’s what my mom does for a living. So yeah. There’s that. And I guess when you grow up hearing your mom tell you that you should go to school and study hard so you don’t have to scrub people’s toilets for a living, and then you do what she says and become moderately successful and then turn around and hire someone to scrub your toilets… it’s just a little weird.

Anyway, enough with the venting and deep thoughts. How cute is my daughter? I mean, REALLY. No wonder I want to get someone to take over the housework- that way I can spend more time snoogling with her.

reading a book


  1. Laura

    July 13, 2007 2:56 pm

    I hope you can find a good balance. I don’t have a balance now and I don’t have a baby yet. I don’t think some magical balance will come upon me, but I guess I’ll do what I can. :)

  2. Jen

    July 13, 2007 2:58 pm

    I guess that’s the trick, isn’t it? Just do what we can :) I’m just trying to take a day at a time, because if I think farther ahead than that, I get all panicky and stressed out!

  3. Athena

    July 13, 2007 3:20 pm

    So, this is everything that went through my head 2 1/2 years ago…word for word. It seemed impossible. Every day I said I wanted to quit working but I couldn’t. There is no easy way to do it ALL – except that the babies get older. Only then does it seem that you can get more done in a day….

    Couple things that worked for me:
    *This was the biggest help: Switched Jackson’s nap to one long (4 hours) nap late morning/early afternoon. He was 5 or 6 months old, maybe a little younger. He was napping in late morning for 2 hours and then again at dinner time for 2 hours and he didn’t want to go to bed until 10 pm. One long nap worked for us. And then I could get a ton of work done after lunch.
    *My mom comes once a week in the morning to entertain Jackson. Gives me a solid 3 hours to get ALOT of work in.
    *Keep to a schedule. Made my life so much easier and Jackson knows what to expect.
    *I did hire a cleaning person, only biweekly though. I felt weird about it too. But it helped save my sanity. Was about $80 for the whole house every other week.
    *Patience (not my strong suite) but it does get better, faster than you’ll realize
    *Wonderful husband :)

    Of course, now I’m back in the same situation again, with another baby and a 2 1/2 year old and trying to work from home and a husband who works 80-100+ hours a week…. why do we do these things to ourselves???

    By the way, she is adorable. But you already knew that!!!

  4. Kellie

    July 13, 2007 3:33 pm

    I’m a SAHM, my daughter is almost 11 months and I feel like I’m finally starting to get everything balanced and keep my head above water. Once she got on a regular nap schedule, short 1 hour morning nap and longer 2-3 hour afternoon nap, then I was able to get things done. It’s nice to have nap time to look forward to. It also seems like she entertains herself for longer periods of time now so I can get some stuff done when she’s awake too.

    As for the cleaning lady, you need to do what works for you. I’ve learned to live with not having the super clean house that I had before the baby. I’ve also learned to ask for help from my husband too. I feel bad about it sometimes, because he’s the one who works all day so I can stay home. At first he was sort of reluctant, but then he stayed home with our daughter one day by himself and realized how hard it is. I think he thought I watched Soaps and ate Bon Bons.

    Good Luck! Like Athena said, have patience because it does get better (in the wifely areas too)!

  5. Melissa

    July 13, 2007 9:05 pm

    I’m about to start back to work part time and I understand your frustration! I hope I can find some kind of balance too.

    I can’t keep up with housework either. Oliver went down to ONE nap at 11 months. And the older and more mobile he gets, the longer and wider the trail of destruction that I get to pick up after he’s in bed! I’d totally get a cleaning service once a week if we could afford it. I do understand your reservations… but who WOULDN’T want to be with cute little Maggie instead of the broom and toilet? :)

    As for Wifely Matters, well, we pretty much went back to “normal” after the first couple postpartum months. I guess it’s because we don’t get to spend that much time together while he’s in law school so our precious Adult TimeOuts are some of the only times we get to really feel like a husband and wife again, and not just roommates seeing each other in passing. Having a baby takes adjustment as parents AND as a couple. Things will get better for you guys, don’t worry! :)

  6. Nichole

    July 13, 2007 9:09 pm

    I dont know how women work and have babys, I wake up everyday and think to myself how would I do all this if I had a “real” job!! I feel for you!! One thing everyone told me before I had Sami is that never feel bad asking for help, If I did still work outside my house the one thing I would get was a house cleaner!! On the bright side it will get easier Sami is 9 months old, I baby proofed the house and let her play in the room I am cleaning! when I make dinner she plays with my tupperware! and I Vaccum with her in a back pack carrier. things will get eaiser I promise! And by the way you look beatiful!!!!

  7. Jane

    July 14, 2007 9:30 am

    I know I will be in the same place you are in about a month! Right now I struggle to maintain the house and my sanity. I have always had time to do things I want, and now feel so tied down. I LOVE my Maria, but she is a handful! My question is how do women do it with 2 children and a job!?

  8. Sunshine

    July 14, 2007 2:12 pm

    All I”ll say is that eventually, it does get better. So much better, in fact, that you decide to get all crazy again and have a second one!

    You’ll get a rhythmn going, I promise. It’ll just take longer than you want.

  9. Dana

    July 16, 2007 9:38 am

    Do what works for you and your family. If you need daycare and a cleaning lady, do it. It doesn’t make you a bad Mom :) It will probably make you a better one and a saner wife :)

    Also, keep a schedule. Most babies THRIVE on schedules. It certainly made for a happier baby in our case.

    About the wife/hubby thing – it takes time and honestly, it will never be the same. Sorry! But, it did help us to *schedule* a day for us, or night, or whatever. Plan a date night after the baby goes down, even if it’s just movies and dessert at home — you’ll be surprised — I bet you’ve been missing the closeness too only you’ve been too tired to notice :)

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