This getting back to work thing is kicking my ass.
Seriously, it is way harder than I imagined it in my head, as a non-Mom, way back when. I guess that’s just the way it is, when you’ve never had to take care of a baby around-the-clock before: I had no idea what I was talking about. And I don’t at all mean that to sound condescending to people who don’t have kids or babies… there’s nothing wrong with that! Until you experience something first-hand, anything, you really have no idea what you’re talking about. And boy, was I delusional!
Maggie is a great baby. SO GREAT. She rarely cries unless she is hungry, and she is pretty much sleeping through the night now (last night from 9pm until 7am, the little ANGEL!!) However, she has decided that daytime napping is for pussies, and refuses to sleep for longer than an hour, and even that is a miracle if it happens. And it only happens maybe twice, maybe three times throughout the day. During those naps, I have to squeeze in any number of tasks, including:
1. eating breakfast
2. brushing my teeth
3. cleaning her bottles
4. cleaning up the kitchen, empty/fill the dishwasher, run it if it needs it
5. folding laundry (not every day, but most days)
7. eating lunch
8. exercising (may seem unnecessary, but I’d like to be able to wear pants with buttons again without feeling like I’m getting cut in half when I sit down. It’d be nice.)
9. grocery shopping (again, not every day, but it’s quite the production.)
10. planning something for dinner; cooking dinner
11. cleaning (um… YEAH. OKAY.)
12. working (um… YEAH. OKAY. AGAIN.)
As you can see, my days are filled with thrilling excitement! And also, filled with a constant feeling of never being caught up.
Daycare Wednesdays ARE helping, of course. Having one day to set aside for Work And Stuff is immensely helpful, both practically and mentally. But I am not even particularly busy with work yet, just a few small odds and ends. When I get more projects on my plate, how is this all going to be possible?
Part of me says, well, then just don’t get more projects on your plate. Don’t take on too much- just one or two things at a time. But that doesn’t work so well. For one thing, we need the money to pay those things called Bills. But more than that… I feel like I worked so hard to get my business going and build a client base and now I’m just going to walk away and say ‘No thanks, I can’t.’? No thanks, I can’t. I don’t want to- I love what I do, but I also love my baby and trying to find a way to fit it all in? HARDER THAN IT SOUNDED.
On top of all of that, there’s the whole other thing: Being A Wife. My dear husband has been incredibly patient and understanding about my need to recover and adjust to my new role. But I know he’s about done being a good little boy and waiting for me to get back to my old self as far as Wifely stuff goes. And I’m trying, it’s just… I feel gross most of the time (Hello, Extra 20+ Pounds from Pregnancy) and tired and when I get some time to myself in the evenings after Maggie is asleep, I just want to watch pointless tv or catch up on work I didn’t get done during the day or, I don’t know, SLEEP. How do you ladies with kids and jobs, or just kids, or heck, even just demanding jobs… how do you keep a balance there with the Husband? Dan joked the other night that he was going to go find an old white Pontiac Grand Am and see if that stirred things up. (He drove his parents’ Grand Am when we started dating in high school… that’s all I’m sayin’. *insert girlie-giggle here*)
Really, there’s not a huge point to this entry. I don’t expect to solve all my troubles in a few paragraphs or even explain half of them. It’s just stuff that’s been floating around in my head and I need to get it out. Venting. It’s the New Black.
In other news, my new laptop arrived earlier this week and it is sexy and fast and whispers sweet nothings into my ear. Seriously, Gmail loads instantaneously on it, as opposed to being 5 or 10 words behind me as I type. An improvement over our other piece of crap. The downside is that for some reason our desktop has decided it likes to connect to our neighbor’s wireless network rather than to ours all of a sudden, even though we tell it SPECIFICALLY to connect to ours, but nope, it wants theirs. It’s been busy being slutty. Dan spent close to 3 hours each night this week trying to fix it, but nothing is working. So all my precious files are stuck on there so I have this silly backup drive hooked up to my new laptop so I can do work. So much for being wireless, I’ve got cords all over my lap! Ah well, at least the internet is working!
Also, I have cleaning people coming on Tuesday to give me a quote. I know I said before that we decided to do daycare instead of cleaning people, but now I’ve suddenly decided that maybe doing both isn’t such a bad thing. Dan’s feeling is, wouldn’t I rather be working than cleaning? And I say, Hell yes! And if not having to worry about keeping my house clean will allow me to take on another job or two each month, that’s totally worth it, right? Convince me it’s not ridiculous to have someone at my house cleaning while I’m sitting on the couch ‘playing’ on the computer. Because that seriously is what it feels like to me. Of course, nothing is set in stone- I still have to find out how much cash they want and all that… but I’m pretty sure we’ll go for it, at least for a little while. Because this? Is not something I can keep up with right now:
The hiring of a cleaning person makes me feel so self-conscious. I’m almost embarrassed to tell people we’re thinking about it, it seems so… extravagant. For one thing, it’s what my mom does for a living. So yeah. There’s that. And I guess when you grow up hearing your mom tell you that you should go to school and study hard so you don’t have to scrub people’s toilets for a living, and then you do what she says and become moderately successful and then turn around and hire someone to scrub your toilets… it’s just a little weird.
Anyway, enough with the venting and deep thoughts. How cute is my daughter? I mean, REALLY. No wonder I want to get someone to take over the housework- that way I can spend more time snoogling with her.