I don’t even know what to title this entry
May 2nd, 2007 @ 10:27 am | Comments
Filed Under: life, motherhood
I feel like a freaking science experiment.
I’ve been breastfeeding Maggie since the day she was born, and overall, it has gone pretty well. The only thing unusual was that I’ve needed to use a nipple shield because Maggie had a difficult time latching on properly. According to the lactation consultants at the hospital, using the shield wasn’t a problem- and I could conceivably use it for months. I have tried here and there to get her to not use the shield, with moderate success: sometimes she will, sometimes she won’t. Most of the time I just give up and go back to the shield- at least she gets fed that way and we’re both happy.
After 4 weeks of nursing almost exclusively, except for a few nights where Dan mercifully took over feedings using my pumped breastmilk so Mommy could get some sleep, I’ve pretty much had it. Not physically, because I’m not having any pain. But I mentally, I just don’t enjoy it anymore. And I feel like a loser for wanting to ‘give up’ so soon- we haven’t had much trouble at all with nursing, but I just can’t take the trapped feeling anymore. I’m chained to the house, unable to go anywhere for more than an hour or so. I’ve tried pumping so that I can have some freedom, but that has turned out to be tougher than I thought. Apparently, I’m one of those unlucky women who can’t pump for anything. I KNOW there’s milk in there, Maggie seems to get plenty when she nurses (she gained a pound in 3 weeks!) but when I pump, I get barely enough to cover a feeding.
So I nurse instead.
Saturday, I went to my cousin’s baby’s first birthday party. During the time when Madison was eating her cake, smashing it in her hair and everyone was singing Happy Birthday to her, do you know where I was? Upstairs, nursing Maggie. I missed the whole thing. It wasn’t JUST that I missed Madison doing the cake thing (my mom took pictures for me) but it was what it symbolized: the feeling of being exiled and missing out on things. For an hour at a time, every few hours, I have to run and hide to feed my daughter. And no, I can’t breastfeed in front of others, I just can’t and will never feel comfortable doing that. So I decided I was done feeling isolated. I love Maggie and I want to do what’s best for her, but feeling so miserable is just not good for anyone.
So on Sunday, I started pumping and just feeding her bottles during the day (still planning to nurse her at night) Unfortunately, as I mentioned, I’m unable for whatever reason to pump the amount that she needs. At first I thought that maybe I was just not making enough milk in general- which put me into a bit of a panic (especially after reading several articles online about how nipple shields can effect your milk supply- CRAP) But it also seemed to explain her meltdowns last week. If she wasn’t getting enough, that would be why she was needing to eat every 30 minutes and freaking out when there was any delay. But after doing some research online, it seems that many women have trouble pumping, and a low pump yield doesn’t indicate a low milk production. Go figure. So the fact that I’m only able to pump 1 1/2 or 2 ounces in 15 minutes (that’s TOTAL, from both breasts combined) doesn’t mean that’s all I have in there. I am so freaking jealous of all of the women I read about online who are able to pump 12 or 16 or even 20 oz in one 15 minute pump! Every drop I can draw out is like liquid gold and if I drip some anywhere it’s a huge loss. These women are getting more in 1 sitting than I can pump in a whole day.
So I’m stuck wondering: am I making enough milk? (I’m pretty sure I am, because she nurses at night just fine and goes right back to sleep for 2 or 3 hours every time) And if I am making enough milk, why can’t I seem to pump enough? I spent Sunday through Tuesday pumping every 2 hours like clockwork, hoping that in a day or so my supply would increase and I’d get more each time I pumped. But, alas, it did not work.
What I want to do is pump my milk and give her bottles during the day, and continue to nurse at night. But in order to do that, I need to get ahead with my pumped milk. Right now, I end the days with maybe 0.5oz left over from what she didn’t eat- definitely not enough to stock up. Especially since next Saturday we’re going to a wedding and I’ll need to have 5 or 6 bottles ready for my mom when she babysits!
Today my plan is to nurse her since I’m not really going anywhere, and pump in between if I can (sometimes her feedings are too close together that I’m afraid to pump and not have anything to feed her when she’s hungry) I also might do some research into other pumps, because apparently simply making a switch to another kind can make a difference in yield. I’ve been using the Medela Pump in Style, borrowed from my cousin- it’s a pricey pump but apparently my boobs don’t like it! grr. There are a few pretty inexpensive manual ones, and I might try one of them- we have a ton of gift cards for BabiesRUs and using one of them might be worthwhile if it means I can get more milk out. Worth a shot, right?
I’m giving it until the weekend. If I’m still not able to get enough milk pumped to give her bottles during the day, I’m going to start thinking about switching over to formula. Already. I didn’t want to have to do it this early (I really wanted to try to make it until 8 weeks or so) but mentally I just don’t want to nurse anymore. I want to give her my milk, but I need more freedom during the day. I need to be able to go to the store, either with her or by myself, and I need to be able to give her to someone else so I can get things done around the house. I need to not have to hide in the back room for hours at a family gathering or if we have company. I need to feel like ME again.
Like I said: I feel guilty for wanting to quit for my own selfish reasons. And I never thought I’d feel guilty- the whole time I was pregnant I thought, ‘Hey I’ll give breastfeeding a shot and if it doesn’t work out, formula is just as good!’ But something about actually making the decision is totally different.
So, I’m off for Milk Experiment Day #4. We’ll see how things go.
More posts like this:
- suckage December 10, 2006
- one point five September 23, 2008
- the great bottle debate July 7, 2008
- sharing the burden (not that she’s a burden, but you know what I mean.) April 20, 2007
- my first born January 12, 2008
May 2nd, 2007 @ 10:49 am
Oh, Jen, I just want to give you a hug! I am in TEARS reading your post because I was SO there w/ Isaac.
Short version - after being home 24 hrs he went right back into the hospital w/ jaundice. He was hooked up to a million wires and IVs and other nasty things for four days. I tried to pump - desperately - pleading w/ my body, w/ God to PLEASE make this work….I, too, felt like a complete and utter failure for not being able to nurse (he was so frustrated w/ the wires and tubes I could hardly get him to latch) and NOT BEING ABLE TO PUMP MORE THAN 1 MEASELY OUNCE.
I cried, and I prayed, and I cried some more.
Finally, I just decided that there was more than one way to do this, I needed to stop losing my mind and more than anything, my baby just needed to eat.
So, we switched to formula. At one month. And you know what, people did make me feel guilty - but we were doing what worked for us.
Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out. And remember - you ARE a FABULOUS mom.
May 2nd, 2007 @ 11:26 am
Well….you could try fenugeek if you want to smell like maple syrup. It worked for me. You could also do both formula a bottles, which I have also done. There is a smaller Medela pump, that I had http://www.toysrus.com/product.....age=family that worked pretty well. I do not recommend a hand pump because dude, that sucked so hardcore. My hand would cramp and I felt weird, like I was squeezing my boob or something.
Whatever you do, don’t feel like a failure or a loser. You rock.
May 2nd, 2007 @ 11:44 am
I can kind of see where you’re coming from. I finally realized that if I was going to nurse, I might just have to give up some of my modesty in public…I mean I was able to give birth and everyone saw my girly bits. It took me a while before I did. I still don’t just whip it out in public, but around family, I’m more comfortable than I used to be.
I know for pumping, if I am tense, I will not pump anything. Usually at one sitting I can pump 2 ounces from each side…depending on the time of the month, I have pumped up to 8-9 ounces, but my supply is starting to decline. I’ve never gotten more than 9 ounces.
I’ve used a couple different pumps, but in the last 8 months, I’ve used the Avent ISIS uno. I personally think you have the Cadillac of pumps. And pumping takes dedication…it’s a lot of work, IMO. Harder than nursing itself.
And like Sunshine said, you’re a fabulous mom. It doesn’t matter if you nurse or formula feed…you care about your baby girl and that’s what counts. Don’t let anyone guilt you into thinking you HAVE to breastfeed your child it’s what works best for you.
May 2nd, 2007 @ 1:07 pm
I’ll pray for you! Don’t worry, nobody here (who’s worth anything) will try to make you feel bad. You need to do what’s best for you and Maggie! I so hope you find a good solution.
May 2nd, 2007 @ 1:08 pm
I appreciate your honesty about everything. :)
May 2nd, 2007 @ 1:19 pm
Found your blog and love it, and particularly this post, Im due any day and hope to bf as well, but exactly what you posted is what I would think you would feel like.
A happy mommy will make a happy Maggie, I hope that things turn around with pumping in the next few days!
May 2nd, 2007 @ 2:56 pm
I personally haven’t been there (YET!) but I don’t think you can be so hard on yourself. My mom lasted a week with my brother, and a whole DAY with me. I have other friends who found after a couple weeks it was just too stressful and switched to formula.
And if you’re really having a hard time pumping, then introducing formula may not be so bad, so that she takes it when you leave her with your mom.
Sorry it sounds so stressful! You’ll make the right decision. I know there is a lot of pressure to “do what’s best”. good luck!
May 2nd, 2007 @ 5:09 pm
I experiences something very similar, and without going into the big long story, I started supplementing with formula at 5 weeks, and a week later, Miranda was pretty much on all formula. I will say that there are pros and cons to both. When I stopped nursing, I felt guilty, it’s been harder to lose weight, and formula is messier and more expensive. However, Miranda is perfectly healthy, gaining properly, eating happily, (and sleeping ALL night ever since), so the main issues are covered. I agree with others that you should pray about it and do what you feel is best. Maggie will let you know :)
May 2nd, 2007 @ 5:43 pm
Aww Jen don’t sweat it! You are a great Mom and breastfeeding doesn’t have any bearing on that. My Mum didn’t breastfeed me AT ALL when I was born! I know several other people who haven’t even tried it either!
I haven’t been there myself, but I do definitely understand how you must be feeling. Just do what you feel is right for YOU and don’t listen to anybody else. At the end of the day, if you are happy, then Maggie will be happy - and that is the most important thing :-) xxx
May 2nd, 2007 @ 7:28 pm
Jen, you’re missing a very big point. Her tummy is hungry. She doesn’t care where it comes from. She just wants something in that belly. Why not switch to a different manufacturor of pumps and see if that works before you give up the whole “idea”. And you can still feed her whatever you get or maybe just mix it in with the formula?
My Mom was unable to with me because I had a Partial palet - and if you’re wondering if you don’t breastfeed if you won’t bond. That’s an old wives tale. My Mom and I are best of friends.
It’s no sense beating yourself up about not being able to breastfeed, you don’t want Lil Miss Maggie catching the negativity vibes. Breastfeeding (or feeding in general) should be a quiet moment reflected between Mother and Child, no matter WHERE the milk comes from.
*hugs*
May 2nd, 2007 @ 7:29 pm
Oh and you wouldn’t be a failure in my eyes at least. And if anyone asks you, just say “Yeah, we breastfeed.” And personally, it’s none of anyones business but you, your husband and that cute little baby of yours.
May 2nd, 2007 @ 8:10 pm
Add another hug from me & Oliver. :)
Labor and delivery rarely turn out how a woman imagines they will, and breastfeeding usually doesn’t either. It’s definitely not selfish to want to be a mom and still be YOU. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to feed a baby. Maggie will love you no matter what.
May 2nd, 2007 @ 8:27 pm
I think the best thing for you and for Maggie is for you to be happy. I think that is more important than breast milk or formula, really. Plus, you have 4 weeks behind you — that’s better than none!
May 2nd, 2007 @ 11:28 pm
I don’t know if this will help, but I do have breastfeeding woes too.
Like you, I do feel trapped with this whole breastfeeding issue. That if without me, my kid won’t be able to survive… so drama, I know! Also, my kid HATES drinking from the bottle, so it was extra tough for me.
I breastfeed in public, I don’t really care now. I use a sling, which gives me privacy and it allows for my kid to drink as and when she’s hungry.
I don’t pump out as much too. The most I manage out at a time was about 150ml from one boob. But that’s very rare. After I went to NY for a week for work, my milk supply’s drop tremendously and I’m down to 20-40ml a side. It sucks big time, but I’m still pressing on.
A good pump to invest in is either the Avent manual pump, or the Medela Pump In Style Advanced. They are fabulous. I bought the Medela one just a few months back (when Clare’s was 5 months) because I really wanted to increase output.
Anyhow, Clare’s currently 6.5 months and it is a lot easier feeding her now - she takes solids too - and I don’t feel as left out / trapped as I did before. I still do sometimes, but it’s something that I’ve gotten used to.
I know it’s hard to believe this now, but it gets easier. You’ll find your comfort zone and it will work out for you. *hugs*
May 3rd, 2007 @ 8:00 am
I totally feel for you. I could have written your post word for word. I felt very similar emotionally at the four week point too. I ended up using a nipple shield for six months, the entire time I breastfed. I never could get my daughter to latch on without it. I don’t know why I ever let the lactation consultants at the hospital talk me into using it. Hindsight is 20/20 though and I was just happy to be able to be breastfeeding without pain, so I continued to use it. It made me very apprehensive about feeding out in public or around family. There was that one more step to get the shield attached, maneuver a baby to the boob and hide all of it under your shirt or a blanket. Plus, those shields leaked like crazy for me and I always ended up soaked after nursing. I pumped and tried to store up for when we were going out to avoid nursing away from home. Like you, I felt like I couldn’t go anywhere if I didn’t have enough pumped. Looking back, I don’t know why I stressed over it and just didn’t break out the formula for the outing. I felt like I was the terrible Mom for feeding my baby formula. I continued to stress over it and somehow we made it to month six. It was a pretty miserable six months. Eventually, my daughter became less interested in nursing after she started solids. I had to pump and feed her a bottle after every nursing session. I grew tired of it quickly and we switched to formula. It was the best decision for us and we are all happier now.
As far as pumping goes, I think you have a good quality pump. I have the Medela PIS Advanced and it worked better than the two hand pumps I owned, an Ameda (the one the hospital gave me) and an Avent Naturally. It sounds like you might be pumping a pretty good amount for four weeks. It took me a while to get up to four, five, and six ounces. I never got more than that at a time. They say the baby is way more efficient than any pump out there. I know you said your pump was borrowed. Did you buy new shields and valves? I know my valves (the little white rubber things) would wear out and when I replaced them it seemed to help.
Congratulations for making it this far, you’ve given Maggie a great start. In the end you have to do what works best for you and your family.
May 3rd, 2007 @ 9:46 am
1. You’re a great Mom.
2. the first 4 weeks of breastmilk is the SUPER milk, so you have given her a great start!
3. Formula is NOT NOT NOT bad
4. Read up milk production if you want to continue pumping!
5. Do whatever is best for you and your baby. You will never make everyone happy all of the time.
6. YOU ARE A GREAT MOM!
May 3rd, 2007 @ 10:32 am
I don’t have any experience with breastfeeding myself (I gave up after only a day and a half with Jada) but I can tell you that millions of moms out there, myself included, have been formula-feeding for decades and the kids are fine.
Nobody out there or around you will feel that you have failed or are a loser because you are not breastfeeding. I only hope that I can make it as long as you have with this next baby.
Don’t be discouraged in your efforts, you have done very well and like the others said, you have given Maggie a great start. She won’t grow up angry if you switch to formula.
You’re a great mom and I know I’m one of many to say that but you really are.
May 3rd, 2007 @ 1:17 pm
I second everyone’s comments about your situation and give a ditto to the fact that you’re a great mom! Some moms wouldn’t even try to breast feed…and the fact that you’re giving so much weight to this decision shows heart.
I went through the same thing…in fact we thougth my son was colicky the first month of his life because he was ALWAYS crying. I couldn’t pump enough and he latched on just fine…but an hour later he’d cry AGAIN. Finally after going to the doctor and having him weighed before and after breastfeeding, they discovered he’d only gotten an ounce. One ounce - I wasn’t producing enough! I We tried supplementing breastfeeding with a tiny syringe that also gave him formula while he latched on and then I’d have to pump so I could try to increase my milk supply….
That last two weeks. I was so tired because I felt like all I was doing was feeding and pumping, feeding and pumping. THere wasn’t any downtime, which is what I thought the pumping was for!
We made the switch to formula and the “colicky” baby I thought I had did a 180 overnight and was smiles from that point forward. He was just…hungry! You’ve given her some good milk in the first few weeks and if it makes you and your baby happier, then the answer is clear.
(this is the stuff they don’t talk about in those breast feeding books, huh?)
May 4th, 2007 @ 1:07 pm
i’ve done both. i breastfed jayden for only a few short weeks before switching him to formula entirely. ethan, on the other hand, is still being breastfed at a little over a year now. both of my boys are rarely sick. both of them are healthy as can be. truthfully, i haven’t noticed much of a, if any, difference. and in the beginning with ethan, i did feel like quitting. however, we didn’t because a.)formula is expensive and b.)he wouldn’t take a bottle for anything anyway. so i breastfed, hoping it would get better/easier. which it did. and now it’s just like second nature. but i completely understand where you’re coming from.
however you decide to feed your child is up to you, and only you. formula is NOT evil, no matter what some may want you to believe. you know what’s best for your baby, and a disgruntled mama isn’t helping anyone.
May 5th, 2007 @ 8:51 am
Please don’t give up so soon!
First, why are you trapped in the house? You can take your baby with you to breastfeed. Wear two tops so that you can pull your breast out between the two and bring Maggie to it, using the top shirt to cover whatever breast may be showing.
Pumping: pumping is never as efficient as breastfeeding is. For the longest while I pumped three to four times a day to get five to six ounces worth - and this was pumping during the times when my son was full and/or sleeping.