large and in charge

Filed under: photos, pregnancy

So yeah. I KNOW I’ll be growing to levels I can’t even imagine now- possibly even more than with Maggie- but OMG YOU GUYS. I’m only ELEVEN WEEKS PREGNANT.

Lord help us if there are two babies in there.

favortweets! round #16

Filed under: favortweets

While I’m gone, entertain yourselves with the daily hilarity that is my Twitter friends feed. Seriously. You people are funny.

metalia (blog) I’m sure I’ve made worse decisions than feeding a toddler beets while wearing a white sweater, but right now, I can’t think of any. 6:49 PM Jan 26th

Greeblemonkey (blog) My child just told me I had morning breath. I reminded him about all those diapers I took care of for him. 9:52 AM Jan 28th

WhisperAmber (blog) I bet if Megan Fox asked Tom to take the trash can to the curb for trash pickup, he would remember to do it. 10:42 PM Jan 28th

Sundry (blog) Husband slept through 2 crying kids last night. Totally unrelated: Ex-Lax is pretty much undetectable when you mix it with someone’s coffee. 12:34 PM Jan 29th

ModernMatriarch (blog) 3-yo just stubbed her toe and yelled out “JESUS CHRIST ON A CRACKER WITH PEANUT BUTTER AND CRAP!” I died. 4:03 PM Feb 3rd

kirida (blog) Chivalry dead? Nah! Teen moved to another bus stop so I wouldn’t inhale the second-hand weed. A gentleman, indeed! 11:20 AM Feb 4th

foldinglaundry (blog) The family & I are about to do our wkly grocery shopping at Walmart on Superbowl Sunday which is basically the same as wishing we were dead. 1:21 PM Feb 7th

alimartell (blog) My hair looks ridiculously good today. I’m sure the people who work at Kroger, Walgreens, and Shell are going to appreciate its awesomeness. 9:41 AM Feb 9th

CranberryPerson When I write too fast, my “E” looks like a “G” making this assignment sheet where I marked several projects as “DONE” look pretty weird. 3:27 PM Feb 9th

mooselicious (blog) Why does my smoke alarm go off when I take a shower, but not when the burner under my tea kettle has SET FIRE TO MY CUTTING BOARD? 6:43 PM Feb 9th

jamesbainbridge I NEVER see happy people going to the gym in our building. Ever. Conversely, I DO see happy people going into McDonalds. Gyms are not happy. 12:14 PM Feb 12th

SarcasticMomLC (blog) Can’t decide whether I like or hate Google Buzz. I’m leaning towards amused tolerance w/ a dash of annoyance & a little bit of flatulance. 1:49 PM Feb 12th

SarahLena (blog) I swear, it will say “SHOULD’VE TAKEN MORE NAPS” on my death certificate. 4:20 PM Feb 13th

jonniker (blog) Caught a recent Madonna video this morning and she wasn’t wearing pants either. Madonna. You are FIFTY. NOW IS THE TIME FOR PANTS. 7:21 AM Feb 15th

Sundry (blog) Welp, I’ve signed Riley up for classes, so in case the haircut, SUV, and four-hook bra didn’t tip you off, I’m officially a soccer mom now. 11:29 AM Feb 18th

ModernMatriarch (blog) Apparently, “ISHIE KAKKA NOW” is Angry Toddlerese for “May I please have some goldfish crackers post haste?” 4:32 PM Feb 22nd

metalia (blog) I can think of no better way to work on the attribute of patience than to telephonically assist older family members place online orders. 9:01 PM Feb 22nd

CranberryPerson Giving my kid “A Wrinkle in Time.” This must be how my dad felt when giving me a football. Except I won’t tell my kid he reads like a girl. 2:12 PM Feb 24th

metalia (blog) Meteorologists, if you call a weather event a “snow hurricane,” I’m gonna be unable to refrain from making jokes about being rocked by it. 10:28 PM Feb 24th

mommywantsvodka (blog) Am in the mood for mischief and merry prankstering. Sadly, I will have to settle for a Hot Pocket. Life in the suburbs sucks. 6:09 PM Feb 25th

kdiddy (blog) I can’t wait until my kid is an adult so I can just say, “Yo, what the FUCK is your problem?” without it being, like, mean or whatever. 8:37 PM Feb 25th

Sundry (blog) If security asks why I have this small tupperware of peanut butter in my carryon I’m telling them it’s my lucky fecal sample. 3:28 PM Feb 26th

mamaspohr (blog) In seven days I’ll be six weeks post-op & I’ll have no excuse not to exercise. You know what that means: time to fake an injury! 9:02 PM Feb 26th

metalia (blog) I would like to invite all teenagers to my safe sex program, called “Watch Me Clean Up Baby Barf From Everything, Including–Yes–My Hair.” 9:46 AM Feb 28th

CranberryPerson Talking with the dad of a kid my son bit at daycare today. I think he was going to yell at me until he saw how powerful my jaws look. 6:25 PM Mar 1st

Sarcomical (blog) the Chilean earthquake knocked Earth off its axis enough to shorten a day by 1.26 microseconds. i knew i felt rushed yesterday. 2:37 PM Mar 2nd

ModernMatriarch (blog) You know what’s awesome? A cat that drools. He’s like a really hairy independent dog that shits in sand. 9:27 PM Mar 2nd

change of plans

Filed under: life

Last week I survived 6 days as a Single Parent with morning (oh who are we kidding? ALL DAY LONG) sickness. It was a very. long. week.

I have to stop here: SINGLE PARENTS? YOU ARE MY FREAKING HEROES. I just… I don’t know how you do it. You deserve a medal. And a super-long vacation. Alone. With umbrellas in your drinks.

Anyway, so this week was going to be another round of Single Parenting- shorter this time, just three days, a quick work-related trip. However, plans have changed. Instead, Dan and I will be traveling to Baltimore for a few days for his grandmother’s funeral, and Maggie will be spending the time with my parents.

Funerals for grandparents are always a strange experience. I mean- ANY funeral is sad, especially when it’s someone you knew well and loved. I remember when my own grandmother passed away right after we were married. It was very sad and hard to be there and of course I cried. But we were also celebrating her life- her long, family-filled life of 80+ years, with four kids and numerous grandchildren and even a few great-grandchildren. And in the case of Dan’s grandmother, it’s a similar sentiment, I think. She was a wonderful woman, funny and extremely intelligent (I believe she was a member of Mensa? Dan comes by his nerdiness honestly!) and until the last few months, she was very independent and lived a normal life. The cancer came on quickly and suddenly, and last weekend Dan and his dad went down to see her. A week later, she passed away.

So, that’s where we’ll be the next few days. (Robbers and bad people, please don’t break into our house. We have BIG SCARY DOGS! (or not.) AND A SECURITY SYSTEM! And stuff. Plus our neighbors are awesome and will see you and call the police.) I’ll be the one carrying around a giant bag of snacks everywhere I go. Because I can’t wander too far from my crackers and cheese. I don’t think Granny would mind.

weekly winners, volume 48

Filed under: photos, weekly winners

curly girlie

bathtime

long hair

a repeat from earlier in the week, but it’s just. that. good.

OH THE HUMANITY

Filed under: motherhood, photos

Just in case Dan decides I’m being dramatic when he gets home from his trip this week and I tell him that Maggie was an absolute MONSTER, I have proof.

Keep in mind, this was AFTER a 30 minute scream-fest at the top of the stairs, during which she refused to walk down the steps on her own, claiming her ‘foot hurt’ even though she had been running around the house for hours, climbing up and down the steps with no problems. It was a battle of wills and I needed to win it. I refused to give in and that led to a massive tantrum (from her) and a timeout (for her). After lunch, she decided she needed another bandaid for her (microscopic) cut on her thumb, and then apparently it was crooked or I covered up Ariel’s shoes or something ABSOLUTELY UNFORGIVABLE LIKE THAT, and that gives you the above photos.

A few hours later, she fell asleep in her closet.

So you know, maybe she was tired. Or just possessed by Satan.

you can do this

Filed under: life, motherhood, pregnancy

The scene: Husband (Very Helpful Husband) is out of town unexpectedly. Ten people are coming to your house for a candle party tomorrow night. House is a mess. You are feeling every bit like you’re in the first trimester of pregnancy because- HEY! Guess what! You are! Long day of work. Headed to pick up your toddler at daycare and then headed to your parents’ house because you are not above letting someone feed you and watch your kid while you lay on the couch and drool.

Kid has hurt her foot playing Ring Around The Rosies at school. For the rest of the night, she is hesitant to walk on it and occasionally whispers ‘OUCH!’ while playing. It doesn’t look bruised or swollen. Two hours after going to bed (and just TWENTY MINUTES after you fall asleep) your kid wakes up sobbing and screaming about her foot hurting. After 30 minutes of trying to calm her down, you give up and head downstairs to watch Finding Nemo. The XBox (which is also the DVD player) controller has dead batteries (OF COURSE) so you spend the next moments frantically searching in the dark for batteries. Finally you borrow some from the remote, but not until after your kid works herself into such a frenzy because Nemo isn’t starting yet that you fear she may throw up. And you are nauseous and exhausted and your Puke-Cleaner-Upper is hours away. And you’re pretty sure Grandma wouldn’t appreciate a midnight phone call to clean up puke from TWO of her girls.

At 1am, you finally convince the kid to go back to bed. The next morning, she’s still favoring her foot and sometimes refuses to walk on it. Call your mom (I WANT MY MOMMMMYYY), decide to head to urgent care. Since you’re knocked up, you need someone to come along in case x-rays are needed because no way is your 2 year old going to do it alone. Grandma agrees to come along.

Shower while the kid plays in her room. While you’re getting dressed, she hobbles in, crying about her foot. HER OTHER FOOT. There’s blood on her sock. An investigation leads to a discovery of a teeny tiny puncture on her big toe. You ask what happened. “I stepped on da ICE!” ICE? What the-? “What ice?” “From da pit-cher!”

A picture frame. Glass. Broken. Stepped in. Good Lord. Band-aid. Wrong one. Must be Jasmine. Band-aid is ‘boddering’ her toe. WHINE AND CRY. Take it off, sock back on. Head to urgent care. Pretty sure your kid is trying to KILL YOU.

X-rays are all clear, many princess stickers are received, instructions for Motrin and rest. Doctor doesn’t notice her other toe, child services is not called. Thankful.

Home for lunch. Nap. House is STILL a wreck, people coming in less than 7 hours. Force yourself to lay on the couch because if you don’t rest now, you will pay for it later. Momentarily regret planning this candle party, even though when you scheduled it, you had no idea you were pregnant. Mom comes over early to help- shovels snow, sweeps floors, is Goddess. Throw some food together, get dressed, hair looks halfway presentable. Party is fun, lots of laughs and wine is consumed (not by you, of course. Preggo.)

That night, your kid suddenly decides that she can’t fall asleep unless you are sitting on the floor next to her bed. It’s probably your fault since it’s nearly 11pm and you two were both partying too late. She’s not even LOOKING IN YOUR DIRECTION, nor does she want you to touch her, hold her hand, or sing to her, but if you try to leave, she grabs your arm and cries, “I NEEEEED YOUUUU!” You sit on the floor for an hour until she passes out. Repeat at 5am.

TIRED.

Sunday is a blur. Husband returns home for 12 hours before he leaves again in the morning for a 4-day work trip. He’s exhausted from his weekend, you’re exhausted from yours, you feel guilty for throwing the kid at him the moment he walks in. You cry while he’s upstairs calming down your child who AGAIN IS CALLING FOR MOMMY TO SIT ON THE FLOOR WHILE SHE FALLS ASLEEP. Feel like a crappy mom, all the while knowing that it’s the hormones and exhaustion making your mind crazy.

Pass out in bed at 9pm. Monday comes. You can do this. It’s only four days, right? (Except he’s leaving AGAIN next week for 3 days. But let’s not think about that now, mm-kay?)

Consider the ramifications of blogging about Husband being out of town. Hi Stalkers and Bad People! I’m hormonal and pregnant, you probably don’t want to come mess with me. Plus, I might have a gun. (I don’t.) (OR MAYBE I DO.)

Today is better. Productive work day. You eat chicken nuggets for dinner with your kid in the kitchen while watching Barbie Swan Lake. She dances, you smile. She goes to bed (seemingly) without incident. You have Gilmore Girls on the DVR, only slightly nauseous tonight.

Things are looking up.

You can do this.